Tuesday, March 31, 2009

how to avoid being heartbroken

1) Instead of waiting to have your heart broken, be the heartbreaker first. The moment you see yourself falling deep, make a run for it. Run, and dont turn around.

2) As soon as the relationship ends, hook up with someone new. It doesnt matter who it is, as long as its not a sheep or a dog. Have as many one night stands as you need to get over the current heartbreaker. Its okay to end up as the asshole who fools around or the cheap hussy. Its even okay if you break a few hearts in the process of healing your own.

3) Aggravate the person who broke your heart. Get a makeover and make them drool at how hot you've become. Let them know what they're missing out on. Go on dates where you'll definitely bump into them. Watch in triumph as you see them smack their forehead with the invisible bubble on their head going 'why did i ever let him/her go?"

4) Be as mean as you can afford to be. Whenever possible, try to make their life hell. But be careful not to appear that you are obviously heartbroken. Otherwise this method will get you laughed at instead of getting you a delicious revenge.

5) Do stupid things that will ruin your life. Be a gigolo. Take dangerous chemical substances that others call drugs. Be a junkie. Get wasted every night. If possible, make sure that you contract AIDS / HIV and then try to spread it to the person who caused the heartbreak in the first place.

6) Turn gay.

7) Cry. Eat dozens of chocolates everyday. Eat to fill in the hollow void that they left in your life. Put on 74 kgs. Ta-da! Now you can expect to find an uglier partner(due to your immediate weight gain). You know what they say about uglier people being nicer. :)

p/s: yes, i was just being terribly sarcastic.

i dont need you to understand. i just need to lash out.

Kmk udah penat lalu mok keja rah sitok.

Baruk jak 4 bulan, kmk udah stress lalu. Jaik bah company tok. Benda nok bukan salah kmk pun mok blame kmk. Udah la workers sitok jakun lalu. Kedak sik penah tangga pompuan jak. Maren kmk udah ready mok numbuk muka sidak monyet rah kilang. Gago bah sidak nya org.


Mun dapat chance, kmk mok belasah nyaorg kendirik. Mok denga excuse apa nya mok kasik for being such an asshole.

Paling sik tahan skali, nyaorg suma kedak sik pernah tangga pompuan smoke tauk sik? Byk jak nok maok comment. Mun kmk sik mok kelaka ngan nyaorg, start la, padah kmk sombong la apa .

ISh bodoh seyh.

Monday, March 30, 2009

My Three French Musketeers

I just have to say this, hoping itll reach you guys over at the other side of the globe.


Friday, March 27, 2009

how to get a girl to like you

i feel like being a Dr. Love today.
based on past experiences(mine and other people's), i came up with a guideline for you moronic boys out there.
tee hee.

1) dont ask a girl out and then just sit there staring at her boobs. dont expect her to do all the talking. when i say that, i dont mean you should ramble on about the new underpants that you bought last Saturday. and we dont want to know your preference of underwear, be it Y-fronts, boxers or even homosexual g-strings. we want substance.

2) the above rule applies to phone conversations as well. dont waste your credit talking about the weather. we already know that it rained like a dog this morning and that it was blazing hot the day before. we want to talk to you, not the weatherman.

3) the moment we ask you whether or not we're fat, dont pause. dont think of the answer. without any hesitation, quickly answer no. we dont care if you're lying. we just want to hear what we want to hear.

4) if you have the intention to get some action at the end of the date, dont talk about it beforehand. we probably want the same thing too. but the moment you discuss it, it will automatically push us away. nothing turns us off faster than a guy who says:
i want to kiss you and do this and that to you at the end of the night. do you want to do it at my place? or if that is an inconvenience, the backseat of my car is always available.
it doesnt matter how good looking you are, the cuteness level will drop exponentially the moment you appear desperate like that. if you wanna do it, just do it. dont talk about it.

5) we know you want to impress us, but please draw a line between that and boasting(which makes you appear like an arrogant fuck). there's a reason why people say, less is more.

6) play a tad bit hard to get. i know we complain a lot about guys who fails to give us attention. but calling us every half an hour to ask what we've been up kinda screams 'i dont have a life'. not exactly attractive, boys.

7) we know you are born horny. but please try to keep it in your pants for at least a few dates. it doesnt make us feel good to have you pawing at us on the first date. makes us feel like a cheap one night stand.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The bastardization of English

What I would say to Thomas, the German intern :
Why is it like that?

What I would say to Vicky, the Indian hottie :
Why la liddat?

What Vicky would say to me :
Why la dey?

What Alvin, the Chinese MU freak of an IT guy would say :
Why liddat hor?

The question remains: why do we rape the language?

Monday, March 23, 2009


Today, i feel like :
  • going someplace to eat, ask for 20 piece of tissues, use one and throw the rest away
  • standing over people's shoulder and staring at their computer screen while they are doing their work
  • speaking in annoying schoolkid sms language "kitew windu awak lew"
  • getting into the elevator, smack my forehead repeatedly and mutter to myself "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP"
  • pick up phonecalls, tell the people on the line to hold while i put myself on the line, and start singing in the most off-tuned manner possible.
  • staring at people and when they ask why, grin at them and tell them "I have new socks on!" excitedly.

what happens in Sunburst, stays in Sunburst

During concerts, you can see people who are willing to do just about anything in order to get the things that performers throw from the stage.

They would jump, shriek, step on other people’s foot, flash a lil summin summin to get the attention of said performer, make a human ladder to maximize their height and thus catching the freebie.

Heck, I think, if they were given the chance, they would take their car, ram through the crowd and stop right before they take the whole stage down, jump on stage, remove a number of clothing from the performers and make a run for it.

Now, if it was a brand new guitar with the guitarist’s signature on it, I would understand if people would stab others to get to it. I even get the excitement over drumsticks. And sweaty clothes. But mineral bottles?
Are you freaking kidding me??

You cant do shit with the mineral bottle. Cant show it off and cant sell it on E-bay. Who’s gonna believe that the bottle's genuine? People are hardly gonna do a DNA test on a stupid RM1.20 bottle (or RM3 in the case of Sunburst) are they?

So darlings, why the hassle?

Friday, March 20, 2009

RM8 for a nap?

i went to catch a movie with Dzul and Nyet despite being dead tired.

they were so excited at the thought of watching The International that i hyped myself up to match their excitement.

when i thought that they wouldnt notice, i silently closed my eyes and took a 'short' nap. i figured, even if i missed the ending, i could always just ask them.

the moment i woke up, the credits were rolling and the lights were already switched back on. and i saw the two happy monkeys sitting next to me, sleeping.

in the end, not one of us knew the ending of the story.

we walked to the car, too exhausted to drive. so we decided to take another short nap before we drove off.

we slept at 12. and woke up at 3 plus in the morning. OU's parking lot was deserted by then.

and I am sleepy at work today.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

the true soul of an asshole

When the dusk, gives way to the dawn
When I’m sleepy, and have started to yawn
You came in, and jumped on the bed
Rubbed here and there, and then called me fat

When the month, comes close to an end
When I’m broke, and have not paid the rent
You walked up to me, and rummaged through my purse
Took all my money, and started to curse

When I’ve waited for hours, by the pretty lake
With dinner, presents, and your birthday cake
I waited and waited, but you never came
You stood me up, and put me to blame

When I’ve grown tired, of you and your crap
When your true colour, started to unwrap
I pack my bags, and wrote you a note
“I hope somebody will slit your throat”

p/s : poem ini adalah rekaan semata-mata. tiada kena mengena dengan yang hidup atau pun yang telah mati.
pp/s: no animals were harmed during the production of this poem.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

the day i didnt get enough sleep

it was 3am.

i had only had about 30minutes of sleep when the banging started.
i thought i was dreaming that my parents were having it off. (read:gross)

after it reached a point when the banging became too loud for it to be a dream, my mom came in.

"Sha, tolong pecah kan pintu kejap."

I thought she was stoned. (ok, perumpamaan tak kena)

Turned out, my dad was locked in the toilet and couldnt come out. My mom has used every tools available to saw it off, screw it off, break it open. All to no avail.

And saya kan yang suka berlagak macam superhero and perasan saya kuat gila. Turned out, i wasnt that strong after all.
My kaki felt like it was coming out of its socket from all that kicking. Half dreaming and pretending to be one of Charlie's angels, i kicked and kicked. The bloody door didnt budge open.
In the end, my sumo wrestler of a cousin had to come over and bust our door open. There goes a good night's sleep. XD

whatever happened to 'i love you too'?

i walk around and listened attentively.
from all four corners of the room, i can make out the dirty whispers.

this is the season, eh?

when posed with

instead of saying

people are replying

whatever happened to the Hallmarks of true love?

Monday, March 16, 2009

go gunners!

The weekend was without doubt, a great one. I mean, hello! Arsenal kicking ass, MU getting their ass kicked and I got my share of my afro-disiac. Cant complain much there. :D

Arshavin proved himself worthy of the 15mill price on his tag. The game itself kicked off pretty early on. I mean, hello, TWO MINS?? Surely that’s better than bendtner’s 4 mins glory over WBA. Yeah, I know its an own goal and shit. But that goal was definitely not entirely due to Ooijer’s stupidity. Heheh.

Macam ni baru la aku semangat sikit nak pakai jersey sendiri pergi tgk game kat mamak. LOL.

As for the Liverpool – MU match. Im just happy that MU’s ass got wiped. The moment Torres scored despite Vidic’s best effort to stop it, and the goal obliterated Ronaldo’s smug smile, that was my ‘Hallelujah’ moment.


Aaaaaaand, the afro part was the best, though I cant say much here. Haha. Tralalalala.

Oh. And congrats to Seannie boy who just got married on Sunday. Shiiiiit, dah besar siot. Hahaha. It was an awkward moment when he asked me and Zul when our turn was gonna come. Hahaha. Kena couple blk dulu kot baru blh kahwin. XD

Anyways, it has been a long time since our Panda days. I miss the craziness back then. And im fucking disappointed tak dapat jumpa all the Pandas. But oh well. Guess I just have to wait for Rainforest je la kot?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

encik dzulhazmi, awak kat mana?

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

big teeth

there was this guy at work who said to me:
i just noticed that you have abnormally big teeth.

im still not sure whether he said teeth or tits.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

clear your conscience - RECYCLE.

dont think of yourself as an ugly person. think of urself as a pretty monkey.

1) today, my car got hit again. not from the front. this time, Moe got sodomized from behind. It got tailed so hard that my rear bumper came off. Tsk. Im telling you, i didnt fucking do anything. I was parked and this car was going to get into the parking space next to mine and hit Moe from behind. Apa la nasib aku. Haihhh.

2) A month ago, while driving to work, i had the sudden urge to donate a kidney. I would have a kidney less by now if it wasnt because of my parents forbidding me to do "something stupid".

3) Two weeks ago, while driving by the same road in number 2, i wanted to kiss a girl. Like, seriously. Like seriously seriously. Haha. The entire day at work, i couldnt stop thinking about kissing a girl.
Whether or not i did, haha, thats for u to figure out. *winks*

4) The sudden urge for today is to jadi a radio presenter. Siapa nak bawak saya pergi tryout kat Hitz or Fly? Im willing to start from the bottom rung. Saya jadi coffeemaker dulu pun takpe la(my coffee is really good!) as long as i get a chance at making a fool of myself in the ears of the entire nation.

5) You know how ive been totally bitching about the Pointless Bitch no? I havent been hiding the fact that i dont like her. Last weekend, i found out that she has been bitching about me too on her facebook la tapi. This was what was said between her and a friend(an equally pointless one):

"ada ke dia nak lawan mulut dengan aku."
"babe, kau ajak la dia lawan pingpong. mesti dia menang kan sebab dia punya kan extra bouncy."

seriously gila. haha. you wanna bitch about me, but ur focusing on my asset instead of my flaw. sorry la baybeh ur flat as hell. ive known walls bumpier than your chest. haha. tolong la cari point munasabah sikit kalau nak kutuk pun.

6) He and I have decided tak payah kot couple2 blk, kahwin je terus! :D kurang masalah.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


i swear i saw the end of a rainbow last Monday!
sumpah tak tipu!

im good at bowling!

I am terribly EXCELLENT at bowling!

Im serious. Im such a natural at it.

Last Saturday, I went for a bowling training session for an office tournament on Sunday.

Better than getting 10 strikes in a row, what I did was attempt to swing the ball as hard as I could. But instead of going forward, the ball went backwards and rolled to run over the feet of the people standing behind me.

After a few shrieks, and without any serious injury, I went on to show off my skills.

I was taught that it increases the ball’s velocity if u take a few steps while u roll the ball. In the effort to be the best, I ran, accidentally stepped on the slippery bowling alley, and slipped flat on the bum.

I was lying there on the floor, thinking that things like these only happen on Cartoon Network and Jim Carrey’s movies. I was half wishing that the hit on my head was hard enough to give me a fainting fit. I wasn’t so lucky.

I had to endure the shame of getting up with my colleagues in the next lane, laughing at my sorry ass.

So, yeah, nobody can beat that hey?