When the Clock Strikes Midnight

it's midnight.
your phone starts ringing and beeping.
look at that!
birthday wishes in bulk!
there's the long heartfelt text from your bestfriend,
and the template impersonal 'Happy Birthday' message from your friend from primary school whom you have not met in almost a decade.

you are finally 20.
a proper adult, you think to yourself.
while you browse through your Facebook wall, attempting to personally reply each and every one of the virtual wishes that you received, you stop for a while and wonder how much life will be different now that you are no longer a teenager.

from that point on, every word that comes out of your mouth sounds like a piece of wisdom (to yourself of course. others might beg to differ).

sometimes, when you sit by yourself and reflect on the past, you shudder at all the mistakes that you've made, and promise yourself that you'll never be as foolish again.

fast forward to three/four/five birthdays later.
your Facebook birthday wishes have exponentially replaced text messages and phone calls.
you would prefer nothing more than to enjoy a quiet evening with the people that you love rather than have a huge celebration filled with people you barely know.


once you get the opportunity to entertain your thoughts, you realize that the 20 year old you was just as dumb as the 15 year old you.

how could the 20 year old you not know how foolish and naive it was to think that the era of screwing up your own life is over the moment you become an adult? how could you miss the fact that it's only ever going to get worse?

Since your birthday three/four/five years ago,

you have fallen in love,
fallen out of it,
perhaps even do the whole thing a few times over.
at the end of the day, you'll question if you will ever settle down and find the real thing.
if you are lucky enough to have found the real thing, somewhere along the line you will be too comfortable and forget that sustaining anything good involves a lot of effort. and thus make a mess of everything.
repeat cycle as many times as necessary.

you have realized that the course you are taking in university/college is not really what you want to be stuck doing for the rest of your life.

you have also come across the revelation that you are NOT one-of-a-kind or unique in any sense at all. you are just another face in the crowd.

you have had dreams of changing the world.
and those dreams have been shattered in front of your own eyes.
because the world and everyone in it (including yourself) is so fucked up and there's too many wrongs around you and there's nothing you can do to challenge the government and the society.

It is as it is.

I will always love you, so go easy on yourself.

I know you don't want it to matter right now. That's why it matters the most.

I'm actually having one of the biggest writer's block I've ever had. I have tried approximately 74 times (this statistic is bound to be rigged with a pinch of exaggeration) to write a blog post, and failing ever so gracefully.

I am facing a huge loss.
And honestly saying, i dont know how to deal with it.
I go to class and read books and talk about life and humanity with my roommate in an attempt to fill the void, but a void becomes a void for a good reason.
Otherwise, it wouldve been filled with something else already.

Sometimes we live within memories, not realizing that memories are all we have.
Sometimes we get really good at distracting ourselves.
Sometimes we wish someone was here, and at others, we wish them the best.

Because after all,
......

you are expecting me to say something poignant that sounds deep and believable, arent you?
Come on,
you don't need me for that.
you don't need a random person on the net to tell you that everything is going to be fine in the end.
or that there's a very important reason for you to go through all that you've been through.

because deep down inside, you already know.

p/s : This one goes to Fasheeha Adnan, for getting me up from my lazy chair and out of my rut.

lost

i did not stop writing because i dont care.
in fact, it's quite the opposite.
i stopped writing (as much) because i care too much.

i care that the society that we are living in is hypocritical in nature.
i care that people are selfish.
and i care that they are hard to please.

and i am part people, part society.
so yes, im aware that i am also a part of all the traits that i mentioned above.

picture this.
a couple is sitting side by side,
and lets say the girl tells the guy that she got a new job.
an opportunity of a lifetime - in another country.

so,

Situation A : he makes a fuss about it, because moving so far away insinuates jeopardizing the relationship. she gets upset because he's being selfish and asks herself why couldnt he just be happy for her.

Situation B : he smiles and congratulates her for getting the job. and he tells her to go for it. she gets upset because it seems like it didnt matter to him one bit being far away from her.

see? hard to please.

still not convinced?

okay, lets take the issue of cronyism.

If somebody gets a job over you because they know somebody important, you call it cronyism. but if you get that job over others because you know somebody important, then you call it networking.

Selective truthfulness - hypocrisy at its worst (or best?)

People are unpredictable, and they are constantly changing (as am I) and that scares me more than anything else. Because i never know if i've said too much or too little, if i have screwed up or if it's still fixable.

There are just too many things to be said, but I'm afraid i'm not in the best state of mind to say them all. Perhaps when I've gotten better, i'll come back and splash my soul to these pages. Perhaps.

In the meantime, just know that i still care and probably always will. I just need to find the words because as of now, I am kind of lost.

...

it gets worse.
it gets infinitely worse.
your issues, your problems, your fears,
it gets worse when you refuse to face it.

take it from me.
ive been putting a brave face on for too long.
and the funny thing is, i didnt even realize that i was being in denial.
seems apt, no?
i was in denial that i was being in denial.
if these things were happening to someone else, i might even consider it as a LOL moment.
but since im the one who has to face all these, it doesnt tickle me all that much.

im running scared. all over the place.
because i dont even know in which direction im supposed to run.
and it is infinitely worse because i cant even confide in the one person who knows how to handle me in this state.

this sounds depressing, i know.
i sound depressed, i know.
but i really just need to rant.
because ive been hiding under this shadow for too long.
and i dont know what other way to go about this.


ahhhhhh tak tau lah.
tak tau nak kata apa dah.