of nothing and everything

I had a great weekend.

(Disclaimer : This post will not venture into lists of all the awesome food I ate and the mundane things I did described in details. Oh wait. Actually, it will!)

I saw the faces that I love,
and I spent hours conversing about existentialism,
about friendship,
of limits and boundaries,
and of course, about love (and non-love and dislove and unlove).

We stayed in bed until the mornings gave way to the noons.
We sat on the porch,
We played silly boardgames while eating goreng pisang and keropok lekor in our kaftans and jammies.

With the phone left uncharged and dead, i had uninterrupted non-virtual interactions for the whole span of the weekend. Based on the experience, i am reminded of something i once read, and can conclude that the writer knew what they were talking about :

"I want raging nights : dark and wild, lit only by the city, bonfires & cigarettes.
 I want sun kissed mornings : breezy and free, interrupted only by the voice of lovers and friends."

The Things That Iylia Elena has Taught Me Over The Years

1. Pray every day but only use words if they are really necessary for words make the most beautiful weapon.

2. Maybe God brings us one another, for us to get close to Him.

3. Niat kena betul, yes. Cara pun kena betul, yes?

4. To conquer yourself, you have to know what you want, and try to understand and accept what you need.

5. Be kind, for it brings ease to the universe. After all, the universe is also fighting a battle.

6. If it breaks, you put it back together.    If it doesn't work, you try again.    If that doesn't work, you chuck it away. You get a replacement.    If you can't find any, you'll learn to not need it.    If you're lucky, you'll realize that you really don't.

7. Ingatlah, jangan sesekali engkau menyerah dan berserah pada yang lain, selain Tuhanmu.

And this list is just a small, small fraction of the things that she has taught me/reminded me of/helped me discover. I thank God for the existence of the Iylias of the world (take note, they are of the Special Edition species, they weren't made in bulk, and it's really hard to find one in ready-stock) and I consider myself very very lucky that i managed to wrangle myself one.

Because, you see, she is one of those people who stay strong even when they have every right to break down.

She turned 24 at midnight.
And I do wish that many more midnights will witness her growth into a fine, fineeeeee human being/lady/friend/wife/mother and that I will be there, each midnight, cheering her on at every leap she makes.

Happy Birthday Vixen.
I love you.

If you really want to know...

Being the eldest child, I grew up without having a brother to bully me into cool-dom or a sister who blasts her stereo to Pearl Jam and Radiohead, subconciously teaching me the value of good music as opposed to being exposed to the boring drone of malay DJs who somehow get their kicks out of talking while repeatedly pausing and playing dreary music.

All these lessons that second, third and consecutive childs take for granted, i had to pick up the hard way from my bestfriend. All of it. Down to mastering the art of basic social conduct. And in so many ways, it was her who inspired me to write. Because she writes so beautifully, it feels like she bares her soul to you when you read her words that it makes you physically ache. She taught me the power of words. And how it can touch souls.

For example, she would say "in a love story, reality is a thin line between ultimate corniness and the impossibles" or "what is the poetry of happiness, when the extent of it can't even be contracted into lines; you just look at the sky and smile, and these feelings, you can't really put down"

She went on crazy adventures so so so many miles away from me. And it is through words that she relived her accounts to me. And it is through those same words that I travelled and grew with her.

A wild-haired vixen constantly reminds me that words make the most beautiful weapon (honestly she's like a conscience brought to life!). And it is with these knowledge that I tread along these lines - very very carefully.

And i have honestly missed writing just for the sake of ranting, without any specific destination that the words are expected to reach. I am writing tonight simply because I am in love with words and for some reason, I have been reminded of that love.

And i would say that this is the kind of love that goes a long way. This is the love that fixes me up when all the other loves fail me.

And for this, i have my bestfriend to thank. Ma chérie, c'est pour toi.

i have endless questions on my mind

maybe (i am hoping), you can give me the answers, 

maybe (i am hoping) that YOU are the answer.

Dont We All Hate Goodbyes?

You can't deny, some goodbyes you hate more than the rest.
Some filled with anticipation,
Some with uncertainty,
Some with regret (of unspoken words).

Any which way, it's inevitable.

So for now, you deal with the goodbyes and linger on waiting for the hellos to intercept.

I would love to tell you everything about him, but then you'll fall in love with him too.

Thoughts of him infiltrate every inch of my head.
It is as if someone took a butter knife and spread a thick layer of him all over my mind.

This is bordering on ridiculous.

(but a nice kind of ridiculous, if i may add)

***

And by now I'm guessing a couple of people have already started rolling their eyes (some possibly smiling sheepishly to make up for the fact that they are rolling their eyes) at the current theme my blogposts has been following. But i'm pretty smitten, so I really dont care.

The thing is, nothing is ever for certain and you can never ever be dead sure of something.
You can spend half of your life working on something, and it might just go bust in a blink of an eye.
On the other hand, you can also be waltzing about, not expecting anything, and getting something that is much better than what you would have thought to ask for in the first place.

At the end of the day, you can't tell which is which.
That's why you should just fully indulge yourself in the current blessing (enjoy your present!) and hope to God that THIS will stick around.

And i'm sure, somewhere deep within, you'll know if this is just like all the other times, or if it's really something else.

When The Universe Speaks To You Through Soundtracks

And for tonight, it's the much awaited for Angels - The XX

It doesn't have to be on Valentine's Day. 

It doesn't have to be by the time you turn eighteen or thirty-three or fifty-nine. 

It doesn't have to conform to whatever is usual. 

It doesn't have to be kismet at once, or rhapsody by the third date. 

It just has to be. In time. In place. In spirit.

It just has to be. 

- David Levithan

I think I'm a little too agitated tonight to be able to write my own words. 
Because there has been a word-supply shortage, lately. 
Good thing there's an endless amount of messages that the Universe has been kind enough to lend me.

(Before i forget, cheers to songs that give you goosebumps and make the hairs at the back of your neck stand up ; Songs that make you both want to cry and laugh at the same time)

Again, in the words of Mr. Levithan, "You know that feeling when you treat someone's every word as if it weighs more than anyone else's but you don't even know why?"

You know? No? Know?

Behind The Scenes

because i'm smiling underneath these hands that cup over my face.
because the instant i hear your voice, i let out a sigh of relief
because i both understand and don't understand at the same time
because all the cliches finally make sense
because, well, because,

*avoids eye contact and takes a sip of water*

Second Chances

If you ask me, i'll tell you that second chances are the best kind of blessings that one can get.

It comes in various forms and sizes -
a retest for a paper you did badly in the first time around
a new canvas for a do-over of your artwork
a dejavu of a previous relationship (a Re-relationship?)

This time around :
learn the formulas
make sure there are no more careless mistakes
hold your brush well
dont anticipate the result - just enjoy the process
tread carefully, watch what you say, and most importantly
handle the feelings of others the way you'd like your sentiments to be handled.

Public Service Announcement

Please don't be stuck in the past.
Because there are people in the present waiting for you to make an appearance.
To make a difference only you can make.
And without you in the Now, the Future cannot occur.

Lost and Found

I believe that I was/am found by love. 

Now i find myself being ridiculously lost in it. 

- Baizulikha Aminullah

Eavesdropping

I overheard a conversation between my two baby cousins during their konon-konon slumber party.

Cousin #1 : Kenapa fingernails awak panjang?
Cousin #2 : Sebab kalau ada orang nak culik kita, kita boleh cakar dia.

Well done Malaysian kidnappers for instilling and igniting this kind of concern in the minds of 8 year  olds who should otherwise be discussing names to be given to their Barbie dolls.

What Is Lost Will Be Found

I think relationships are kinda like driving.
You can be the most careful driver in the world, but sometimes you'll get into an accident anyway because of someone else's recklessness.
The best we can do is to just be mindful of the way we steer so that we won't end up breaking bones - or worse, hearts.

Sometimes it's not enough to know what things mean, sometimes you have to know what things don't mean.

Understand that people change.
Understand that things and circumstances cant be forced to fit your liking.
Understand that matters of the heart are rarely easy to comprehend.
But most importantly, understand that you can't possibly stray from your path when your actions are based on good intentions and lined with faith.

Shhh it's a secret

The art of being vague is beautiful because when the person the vagueness is posed to gets the underlying meaning, it serves as a proof that both of you are treading on the same page.

And on this page, you see the same colours and hum the same tunes, and everybody else who's peeping into this abstract might think they understand what's going on, oh but they dont they dont!

This is a secret. Between you and the person the ambiguity is intended for.