a geeky past

it's sad.
REALLY.
but sometimes, it's inevitable.
and by it, i mean changes.

i cant help but feel that just yesterday i was only 16.
in a few blinks (ok obviously it has been more than a few but it sure felt like a lot less than that) of an eye,
5 years has already gone by.

(fuck. tak nak accept that im no longer a teenager)

i looked at my old photos a few days back.
and i laughed. hard.

because like it or not,
i have to admit that i looked like a cross between an Indonesian maid
(which was why i was so ashamed to bear the name Kartika back then agaknya)
(oh. and memang tak la nak tunjuk korang gambar Zaman Kegemilangan tu. hahahaha. Nehi nehi)
and a geeky bookworm yang budget best.

i guess we tend to overlook our past and forget all about it.
forget what we were
and the person we used to be.
i forgot.

but today, it came to haunt me back, those memories.
perhaps they weren't such great memories
and just because, i struggled hard to push them at the back of my mind.

i found my diary from back when i was 11.
there were only 20 pages all in all.
(nasib baik tak tebal lagi)
but it was enough to make me cringe.
and remember.

sempena bulan baik ni, i have to be honest and admit that the kid i was a decade ago is different.
heck!
to say that she was the total opposite of me sekarang would be an understatement.

In fact,
without realizing it,
the 11 year old me is the epitome of everything i despise and complain about nowadays.

The way i conversed
The broken English (hahah! ini paling tak boleh blah. Sangat tak blh blah sampai tak rasa mcm nak tunjuk example)
The self delusions
The strong desire to be liked by everyone
The fact that i did not have my own opinion
The sad realization that i could not stand up for myself

(senyum sikit bila teringat)

it's sad to remember that i was really pathetic back then.
but what was even lagi sedih is that i have no recollections of experiencing the things that i wrote about in the diary.

kosong habis.
tak ingat langsung what it was like to be 11.
or 16. or 17.
apa apa lah.
serious. zilch.

i guess,
for a very long while in my teenage years,
i spent too much of my time concentrating on my silly conquest of making myself likable and yearning for people to like me and think that im worthy of their time,
that i guess i sort of forgot what was really important.

monologue dalaman:
So yeah Tasha,
maybe (aku kata MAYBE),
you're not so much of a loser as you were back then

but you have also successfully turned your back against everything that you ever believed in.

Berbaloi ke Sha, berbaloi ke?

(oh saya tak bitter sekarang. nor am i angry with myself. cuma, kadang kadang these reflections are necessary to bring you back to earth no? *senyum* )

Then again, changes are necessary in order to grow.
(haa. bila tak cukup tidur, mula la kau keluar cliches budget philosophical kau tu kan Tasha. hehehe)