There's ALWAYS a Reason.

There's always a reason.

If there's anything that my engineering education has taught me, it is this. Anything that moves will stay in its motion and direction until an external force is exerted on it, changing its course. This external force is the reason.

There's a reason why you got trapped in traffic with a friend whom you have a lot to catch up on.

There's a reason why randomly touching stranger's hair (even little girls') in an elevator is frowned upon by society (because it's weird).

There's a reason why some questions take a longer time to be answered than others.
There's a reason for lovers becoming strangers. And strangers becoming friends.

There's a reason for goodbyes. And a reason for hellos.

There's a reason why you need to get away.
And another for you to come back.

There's a reason why I wrote this.
And there's a reason why you're reading it.

There's always a reason.

Lunar Blues

The full moon is peeking at me from beneath the clouds - only showing glimpses at a time. 

It is as if the moon is not quite ready to share its greatness with me.

And so I lay sprawled on my back,
silently urging the moon to come out and show itself to me,
yearning for a little piece of magic. 

**

My Cookie Jar

My excited squeal resembled more of a 5 year old finally getting her small hand into a humongous cookie jar after weeks of eyeing said jar. Except that i'm not 5 and it wasn't the content of a cookie jar i was getting excited about!

The forecast predicted a thunderstorm.
In this day of tsunamis and hurricanes, that is not a prediction you would want to hear when you are heading to the beach.

Fortunately enough for us, Nature decided to pick our side and give the forecast a run for its money.
The sky was completely cloudless and the whole stretch of infinity was filled with scattered stars for as far as your eyes can take in.

"We're dancing beneath the stars!! I dont't care about the fact that I sound corny saying this! Hell man! We're dancing beneath the stars!!"

And my friends - they just beamed and nodded, because there wasn't much else to say to that.
:)

Take Me Away

I still can't quite believe that we're closing in on mid-November already.
In my head, it's still 2009, so each time the calendar reminds me that it's not, it usually leaves me a little dumbfounded (and I will put on my 'broken machine' act that involves having a monologue that goes along the "2012 is almost over. i can't believe this, i can't!" line being played on repeat in my head for a couple of seconds - sometimes, minutes).

I'll be leaving, in a day's time.
A much needed break, I think.
I'll come back (invigorated, I hope) and possibly continue fretting on and on about how fast time flies (Tch! As if people didn't already know!)

Yesterday, on the streets, i saw people holding hands and not holding hands,
People flicking cigarettes and pushing strollers.

But tomorrow,
tomorrow I will smell salt in the air,
and have sand grains in my hair.

Sun and Moon. Sand and Wave.

Everything in the world is of equal balance.
Every yin has a yang.
I believe this is important to ensure that the Universe is in equilibrium.

You know at which point a relationship becomes dissatisfying?
When it's unbalanced, that's when!
When you give one month's worth of sentiments in a two month's relationship.
THAT is when it will feel unworthy.

So now you have two options :
Give it all you've got and milk its worth for as long as it lasts
or
Cut your losses early - as soon as you feel like you have nothing more to give.
 - not a feel, not a care
Let it go.

Life is short.
Go for what you want. And go for what wants you.

We Loved With A Love That Was More Than Love

I love driving by myself at night, when the sky is pitch grey, and it feels like i'm floating in space.

There's nothing else.
There's only Quiet, the Night Sky, Light Speckles and THIS playing in the background :

The best thing about these drives on these nights is that you go places, you travel - both physically and of the mind.

On any particular night,
my trail of thoughts are bound to jump from one seed of theory onto another,
and it is not particularly necessary to have a hypothesis drawn from this random jumps. .
Not on nights like these, anyway.

Today, for no more reason other than me feeling like it, I'll let the virtual world take a peek into my trail of thoughts.

One time,

I thought that Love is not being with someone because you need them in your life. Love is wanting to be with someone even though you don't need them.
I truly, with all my heart, place my belief in that. 

After all, God is Almighty and Fair. 

If you were meant to fall in love and consequently, develop the need for this person to be around in order for you to be happy and vice versa, then whatever's gonna happen to one of you when the other person cease to exist?
No no no. That really can't be the conclusion. 

Life is supposed to be good, and a relationship with this other person just makes it even better. That's how it should be. It shouldn't have to mean being stripped off from your survival capability the very moment your partner is no longer part of the picture.

In another fragment of time,
I'll remember the words of Yasmin Mogahed, in an article called Nameless.

There's salvation in admitting defeat.
The peace of prostration.
Just stay still in that position,
With your head lowered.
Freeze.
Wait.
Stay humbled.
Wait.
Stay lowered. Until He raises you.  

They've searched the world
for what can be found in the quietest corners of a room.
They search a million words for what can only be found in silence.
They create a million names for the nameless.
For what can only be found in wordless thought.
Nameless states.  

Maybe I need to live between,
Between the words, the heart,
the space between earth and sky.  

Maybe I could live there.
In the space between knowledge and understanding.
Between love and letting go.
In the place where it stops hurting to be so far away.
In the nameless.

And then, jump, to another thought.

In explaining this particular thought, i will need to, once again, borrow the words of the more eloquent.

There are at least 2 types of love.  

There will be some people you love because of what you get from them :
 what they give you, the way they make you feel.
This is perhaps the majority of love - which is also what makes much of love so unstable.  

But, once in a while, people enter your life that you love - not for what they give you - but for what they are.
The beauty you see in them is a reflection of the Creator, so you love them.
Now, suddenly, it isn't about what you're getting, but rather what you can give.
This is unselfish love.
This second type of love is the most rare.
And if it is based in, and not competing with, the love of God, it will also bring about the most joy.  

To love in any other way is to need, to be dependent, to have expectations - all the ingredients for misery and disappointment. 

Pause.

Breathe.

There's so many things happening all at once, it sometimes gets a little overwhelming trying to make sense of them all.
An endless amount of 'figuring out' left to do.

But it's okay, because as of right now, the drive is over.
These trail of thoughts will be continued. Next drive, maybe.
On a similar night in the future :
Where there's only Quiet, the Night Sky, Light Speckles and THIS playing in the background :

xxx

Journeys and Destinations

I have loved quotes for about as long as I have learnt what the word 'quote' means..
Having put that in context, i shall start this post by quoting Pablo Neruda who wrote, amongst many others :

We, of that time, are no longer the same 

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her 

My voice tries to find the wind to touch her hearing 

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses. 

Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes. 

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her 

Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

(Pah. If i had a penny for each time i quoted Neruda!)

And today,

as I looked through (clicked on, more like) old pictures, I got to thinking that there should be a word for that feeling when you look at someone (or images of them) from the past and remembers a time when their built were yours to seek comfort in, and their cheeks were yours to pinch when you felt like it, and their hair were yours to tousle when you want it messy.

You remember this feeling, while at the same time, being fully aware that these are merely figments of your memories. That it is no longer applicable.
Yes, there should definitely be a word for that feeling.

Having said that, I shall place an interval of another quote right about here :

Remember, you are part of a beautiful story that did not start when you were born.
As your body cuts through the air, think of only the things that made you smile, the people that made you love, the ideas that made you strong.
Remember, those things will never happen again but they cannot unhappen.
Remember, what you felt can't ever be taken away.
Remember, you are part of a beautiful story that did not start when you were born.
And it will not end when you die.
Remember.

And so I have decided to go on retreats (not that I needed an excuse to want to go on retreats in the first place!) so i can remember and forget. So I can ask questions and receive answers. So I can get lost and be found.

I think it's gonna be a much needed break from monotony (look at that! now I'm a BFM marketer!).

After all, Terry Pratchett said

"Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving."

I have realized that the past and future are real illusions, that they exist in the present, which is what there is and all there is.

My eyes grew heavy, and my heart, even heavier.
The question in my head screamed for an answer. An answer that my heart couldn't give.
Because it wasnt a series of whys and hows. It was a series of whens and whos.
And those answers were never mine to be given out, anyway.
It belongs to Time and are only answerable with time.

In, the meantime,
I have found that the temporary-cure lies in moments.

That moment in between a hectic workday, where you sit with a friend, next to a commercialized lake in a commercialized bit of town, basking in the Surrogate Nature that lies in front of you, in all its polluted glory, breathing in polluted air. And you talk about complete nonsense. You debate about favourite animals actually being the form that you see yourself projecting to the world. For 15 minutes. Maybe 20. 30, if you're lucky. And then you go back to your hectic workday, feeling slightly okay with the routine that followed a wholesome break.

That moment at the end of the day, when you are simply brimming with discoveries, with stories, with realizations - and you took all of that, to meet your favourite person. And you sit on cushy sofas with  your feet up, recounting bits and details. And as you came to the Conclusion of the Day, you realized that this moment was just like the favourite animal conversation you had the other day.

That moment when you take a day off and spend it lazing idly by the roadside, with sunshine gazing directly at you, The XX and Jack Johnson playing in the background, chasing cars that rushed by with your eyes. And you realize that most days, you are one of those cars - chasing appointments and other people. But today is not most days. Today, you are allowed to bask under the sun, not worrying and not caring.

Find these moments.
Revel in it.

What Ive Collected Over 23 Years.

As far as i'm concerned, this has been the fastest-passing year that I've ever experienced in my 23 years of life. So much has happened, so many things have changed, I dont even know where to start. But let me just try with this.

- For every one thing that you are unhappy with, there are a couple of other things that you can be grateful for.

In the past year, I have survived the heartbreak that comes along with the end of a quasi long term relationship. In the same year, I was also shown that THAT heartbreak passes. And if despite all that has happened, i can find a way to be happy and okay again, then i will always be able to make a point to choose to be happy rather than glum, no matter what happens.

In the past year, I have sat in circles (of friends, with friends), singing and talking (about nothing, everything and anything in between). I have loved and felt loved. I have read and written. I have smiled, and more importantly, I laughed : a lot, uncontrollably, with weird facial expressions, at places i shouldn't have been laughing.

And these made me realize that I had people around me -
to sing with
to talk with
to love
to read to
to write about
to smile at, and,
to laugh at/with.

In the past year, I have learnt not to ignore the voices in my head. They might sound like nutcases most of the time, but those nutcases know what they're talking about man!

In the past year, i was taught about Acceptance. Just because you don't understand something, it doesn't mean that it wasn't the best thing that should happen to you.

In the past year, i found out the importance of being graceful when you receive something. Be it a good or a bad something. And even more so when you give something. Give sincerely, receive gracefully (and graciously)!

My goodness, just listen to the tone of this blogpost! The year has certainly taught me how to be a granny! It's just gonna sound draggy, whatever I write beyond this point. So i'm gonna stop now.

24, bring it on.

LookSee

You say you want to learn -

So, learn. 

Learn. and Travel.

Some people are sometimes your home, or destination.

With some, when you let your thoughts interlace with theirs, it would somehow be like you've known this person your entire life. You understand every nuance that crosses their minds. You can read them like you can a book.

However, with some other, as you connect to them, you realize that this is a person that would require you to try hard to discover and to uncover them, but somehow, you know you want to be spending the rest of your days (and most possibly, nights) continuing to discover and uncover them.

So Travel. and Explore.

R. L Stevenson said : and the best that we find in our travels is an honest friend. He is a fortunate voyager who finds many. We travel, indeed, to find them. They are the end and the reward of life. They keep us worthy of ourselves; and when we are alone, we are only nearer to the absent.

And if along your journey, you find someone you can respect and trust (and if you truly believe that there's something about them that can make you continue to respect and trust them, until the end of time), stretch your hand out as far as it can be stretched, find a way to pull this someone close to you, and whatever you do, never let a false sense of security trick you into not appreciating this person.

This lady is a genius!

Instead of Mom,
she's gonna call me Point B
because that way she knows that no matter what happens
at least she can find her way to me

and i'm gonna paint the solar system at the back of her hands
so that she has to learn the entire universe
before she can say
'oh i know that like the back of my hand'

she's gonna learn that this life, will hit you,
HARD
in the face
wait for you to get back up
so it can kick you in the stomach
but getting the wind knocked out of you
is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air

there's hurt, here,
that cannot be fixed by band aid or poetry
so that the first time she realizes that Wonder Woman isn't coming
i'll make sure she knows that she doesnt have to wear the cape all by herself
cause no matter how wide you stretch your fingers
your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal
believe me!
ive tried!

and 'Baby,' ill tell her
'dont keep your nose up in the air like that
i know that trick
you're just smelling for smoke
so you can follow the trail back to a burning house
so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire
to see if you can save him
or else find the boy who lit the fire in the first place
to see if you can change him'
but i know that she will anyway

so instead i will always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rainboots nearby
because there's no heartbreak that chocolate cant fix
- Okay, there's a few heartbreaks that chocolate cant fix
but that's what the rainboots are for
because rain will wash away everything if you let it

i want her to see the world through the underside of a glass bottom boat
to look through a magnifying glass of the galaxies that exist on the pinpoint of a human mind
because that's the way my mom taught me
that there'll be days like these
when you open your hands to catch
and wind up with only blisters and bruises
when you step out of the phone booth and try to fly
and the very people you wanna save are the ones standing on your cape
when your boots are filled with rain and you're up to your knees in disappointment
and those are the very days you have all the more reason to say Thank You
cause there's nothing more beautiful
than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline no matter how many times it is sent away

you will put the win in 'Win some, lose some'
and you will put the star in 'starting over, and over, and over'
no matter how many land mines erupt
be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called Life

and yes, on a scale from 1 to Overtrusting,
i am pretty fucking naive
but i want her to know that this world is made out of sugar
it can crumble so easily but dont be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it

'Baby,' ill tell her
'remember, your mama is a worrier
but your papa is a warrior
and you are the girl with small hands and big eyes
who never stops asking for more

remember that good things come in threes
and so do bad things
and always apologize when you've done something wrong
but dont you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining

your voice is small
but dont ever stop singing
and when they finally hand you heartbreak
slip Hatred and War under your doorstep
and hand you handout on the streetcorners of Cynism and Defeat
you tell them
they really oughta meet your mother!'

of nothing and everything

I had a great weekend.

(Disclaimer : This post will not venture into lists of all the awesome food I ate and the mundane things I did described in details. Oh wait. Actually, it will!)

I saw the faces that I love,
and I spent hours conversing about existentialism,
about friendship,
of limits and boundaries,
and of course, about love (and non-love and dislove and unlove).

We stayed in bed until the mornings gave way to the noons.
We sat on the porch,
We played silly boardgames while eating goreng pisang and keropok lekor in our kaftans and jammies.

With the phone left uncharged and dead, i had uninterrupted non-virtual interactions for the whole span of the weekend. Based on the experience, i am reminded of something i once read, and can conclude that the writer knew what they were talking about :

"I want raging nights : dark and wild, lit only by the city, bonfires & cigarettes.
 I want sun kissed mornings : breezy and free, interrupted only by the voice of lovers and friends."

The Things That Iylia Elena has Taught Me Over The Years

1. Pray every day but only use words if they are really necessary for words make the most beautiful weapon.

2. Maybe God brings us one another, for us to get close to Him.

3. Niat kena betul, yes. Cara pun kena betul, yes?

4. To conquer yourself, you have to know what you want, and try to understand and accept what you need.

5. Be kind, for it brings ease to the universe. After all, the universe is also fighting a battle.

6. If it breaks, you put it back together.    If it doesn't work, you try again.    If that doesn't work, you chuck it away. You get a replacement.    If you can't find any, you'll learn to not need it.    If you're lucky, you'll realize that you really don't.

7. Ingatlah, jangan sesekali engkau menyerah dan berserah pada yang lain, selain Tuhanmu.

And this list is just a small, small fraction of the things that she has taught me/reminded me of/helped me discover. I thank God for the existence of the Iylias of the world (take note, they are of the Special Edition species, they weren't made in bulk, and it's really hard to find one in ready-stock) and I consider myself very very lucky that i managed to wrangle myself one.

Because, you see, she is one of those people who stay strong even when they have every right to break down.

She turned 24 at midnight.
And I do wish that many more midnights will witness her growth into a fine, fineeeeee human being/lady/friend/wife/mother and that I will be there, each midnight, cheering her on at every leap she makes.

Happy Birthday Vixen.
I love you.

If you really want to know...

Being the eldest child, I grew up without having a brother to bully me into cool-dom or a sister who blasts her stereo to Pearl Jam and Radiohead, subconciously teaching me the value of good music as opposed to being exposed to the boring drone of malay DJs who somehow get their kicks out of talking while repeatedly pausing and playing dreary music.

All these lessons that second, third and consecutive childs take for granted, i had to pick up the hard way from my bestfriend. All of it. Down to mastering the art of basic social conduct. And in so many ways, it was her who inspired me to write. Because she writes so beautifully, it feels like she bares her soul to you when you read her words that it makes you physically ache. She taught me the power of words. And how it can touch souls.

For example, she would say "in a love story, reality is a thin line between ultimate corniness and the impossibles" or "what is the poetry of happiness, when the extent of it can't even be contracted into lines; you just look at the sky and smile, and these feelings, you can't really put down"

She went on crazy adventures so so so many miles away from me. And it is through words that she relived her accounts to me. And it is through those same words that I travelled and grew with her.

A wild-haired vixen constantly reminds me that words make the most beautiful weapon (honestly she's like a conscience brought to life!). And it is with these knowledge that I tread along these lines - very very carefully.

And i have honestly missed writing just for the sake of ranting, without any specific destination that the words are expected to reach. I am writing tonight simply because I am in love with words and for some reason, I have been reminded of that love.

And i would say that this is the kind of love that goes a long way. This is the love that fixes me up when all the other loves fail me.

And for this, i have my bestfriend to thank. Ma chérie, c'est pour toi.

i have endless questions on my mind

maybe (i am hoping), you can give me the answers, 

maybe (i am hoping) that YOU are the answer.

Dont We All Hate Goodbyes?

You can't deny, some goodbyes you hate more than the rest.
Some filled with anticipation,
Some with uncertainty,
Some with regret (of unspoken words).

Any which way, it's inevitable.

So for now, you deal with the goodbyes and linger on waiting for the hellos to intercept.

I would love to tell you everything about him, but then you'll fall in love with him too.

Thoughts of him infiltrate every inch of my head.
It is as if someone took a butter knife and spread a thick layer of him all over my mind.

This is bordering on ridiculous.

(but a nice kind of ridiculous, if i may add)

***

And by now I'm guessing a couple of people have already started rolling their eyes (some possibly smiling sheepishly to make up for the fact that they are rolling their eyes) at the current theme my blogposts has been following. But i'm pretty smitten, so I really dont care.

The thing is, nothing is ever for certain and you can never ever be dead sure of something.
You can spend half of your life working on something, and it might just go bust in a blink of an eye.
On the other hand, you can also be waltzing about, not expecting anything, and getting something that is much better than what you would have thought to ask for in the first place.

At the end of the day, you can't tell which is which.
That's why you should just fully indulge yourself in the current blessing (enjoy your present!) and hope to God that THIS will stick around.

And i'm sure, somewhere deep within, you'll know if this is just like all the other times, or if it's really something else.

When The Universe Speaks To You Through Soundtracks

And for tonight, it's the much awaited for Angels - The XX

It doesn't have to be on Valentine's Day. 

It doesn't have to be by the time you turn eighteen or thirty-three or fifty-nine. 

It doesn't have to conform to whatever is usual. 

It doesn't have to be kismet at once, or rhapsody by the third date. 

It just has to be. In time. In place. In spirit.

It just has to be. 

- David Levithan

I think I'm a little too agitated tonight to be able to write my own words. 
Because there has been a word-supply shortage, lately. 
Good thing there's an endless amount of messages that the Universe has been kind enough to lend me.

(Before i forget, cheers to songs that give you goosebumps and make the hairs at the back of your neck stand up ; Songs that make you both want to cry and laugh at the same time)

Again, in the words of Mr. Levithan, "You know that feeling when you treat someone's every word as if it weighs more than anyone else's but you don't even know why?"

You know? No? Know?

Behind The Scenes

because i'm smiling underneath these hands that cup over my face.
because the instant i hear your voice, i let out a sigh of relief
because i both understand and don't understand at the same time
because all the cliches finally make sense
because, well, because,

*avoids eye contact and takes a sip of water*

Second Chances

If you ask me, i'll tell you that second chances are the best kind of blessings that one can get.

It comes in various forms and sizes -
a retest for a paper you did badly in the first time around
a new canvas for a do-over of your artwork
a dejavu of a previous relationship (a Re-relationship?)

This time around :
learn the formulas
make sure there are no more careless mistakes
hold your brush well
dont anticipate the result - just enjoy the process
tread carefully, watch what you say, and most importantly
handle the feelings of others the way you'd like your sentiments to be handled.

Public Service Announcement

Please don't be stuck in the past.
Because there are people in the present waiting for you to make an appearance.
To make a difference only you can make.
And without you in the Now, the Future cannot occur.

Lost and Found

I believe that I was/am found by love. 

Now i find myself being ridiculously lost in it. 

- Baizulikha Aminullah

Eavesdropping

I overheard a conversation between my two baby cousins during their konon-konon slumber party.

Cousin #1 : Kenapa fingernails awak panjang?
Cousin #2 : Sebab kalau ada orang nak culik kita, kita boleh cakar dia.

Well done Malaysian kidnappers for instilling and igniting this kind of concern in the minds of 8 year  olds who should otherwise be discussing names to be given to their Barbie dolls.

What Is Lost Will Be Found

I think relationships are kinda like driving.
You can be the most careful driver in the world, but sometimes you'll get into an accident anyway because of someone else's recklessness.
The best we can do is to just be mindful of the way we steer so that we won't end up breaking bones - or worse, hearts.

Sometimes it's not enough to know what things mean, sometimes you have to know what things don't mean.

Understand that people change.
Understand that things and circumstances cant be forced to fit your liking.
Understand that matters of the heart are rarely easy to comprehend.
But most importantly, understand that you can't possibly stray from your path when your actions are based on good intentions and lined with faith.

Shhh it's a secret

The art of being vague is beautiful because when the person the vagueness is posed to gets the underlying meaning, it serves as a proof that both of you are treading on the same page.

And on this page, you see the same colours and hum the same tunes, and everybody else who's peeping into this abstract might think they understand what's going on, oh but they dont they dont!

This is a secret. Between you and the person the ambiguity is intended for.

Stomach, meet butterflies.

"Tell me something. Tell me anything."

The request took him by surprise.

I have found that when your gaze gazes into someone else's gaze, and you ask them to randomly tell you something, you always end up discovering something curiously interesting.

***

You can tell me to 'Stop wondering!' but it's not gonna work.
I'll listen to it
I'll acknowledge it
but I'll wonder anyway.

I can't help it.
My mind's got a mind of its own.

Of love (and lovers)

Sometimes

you are convinced of it

but the conviction is not reciprocated.

Sometimes

you wholeheartedly immerse yourself in it

but the circumstances just won't allow it

and

Sometimes

you dont put any expectations on it

but the tingles you feel under your skin simply cant be ignored

'My life has been the same. Nothing new. How about you?' is no longer a language currency that we accept. Please find another method of payment

Answer me this.

Does it really matter whether or not someone (whom you yearn and pine for, but are not together with - be it a Lost Lover or a Lover Who Is Not Yet Aware That He's A Lover) equally misses you?
Is it not enough that YOU felt the magnitude of missing this person, down to your very core?
Is the joy of missing (an indication that you are feeling and living) not sufficient that you need an outright reaction in return?

One Chance is All It Takes

The night was calm, as it naturally is on occasions like these. 
Dare I tell you about the stars? Oh, the stars!

Warm glows were emanating from them, and everything else shuddered in silence. 

Enough about the night, lets move on to the companion.
He had the kind of smile people fall in love with .

It's the kind of smile infatuations are born from. 

And, just then, looking at THAT smile, something in me raced fast. 

As if on cue, he placed his ear right above my heart. 

"Your heart is beating really fast."

Unable to come up with a suitable reply, I just stared into the depths of his eyes.
He gazed in return while still keeping an ear on my heart rate.
While everything was passing by in a dreamlike manner, I found myself thinking,

"I wouldn't mind spending all my time simply staring into these pair of eyes."

The realization that this person has managed to make me THIS happy, simply with his eyes and smile, overwhelmed me. 

I remembered feeling momentarily nervous and something in me paused for a while, trying to make sense of the new sensation.
At the exact moment I crinkled my forehead in confusion, he looked up at me and slowly said, 

"I dont know how to tell you this, but your heart LITERALLY just skipped a beat."

What he said set me floundering in my own thoughts. 'Did i hear him right?' 

That whole scene seemed like everything was a plan simply waiting for the cue to come on for it to be executed. 

Who says things like that in real life, anyway?
For the life of me, until this very moment, I didn't even know that 'heart skipping a beat' was a real sensation.
I've always thought it was a sentiment fully romanticized by Hallmark and the likes.

And at that moment, I smiled.

Because if you give people a chance, sometimes they might just surprise you. 

dig deep. got dug.

I promised a lot.

But never that I wouldn't get back up after you knocked me down.

Never that my broken remains wouldn't catch fire. 

Never that I wouldn't burn through the ice and snow one more time.

And you can slam your glaciers into to me, so slowly, and even though they hurt, I will not go numb from the cold, I will not pass out from the pain, I will look up at you and the world and whisper through bloody teeth

"More..."

- The Sun Will Freeze Before I Do, I Wrote This For You

I loved this.
I believe 'this' loved me too.

And all that loving, all that twisted longing, it made me feel invincible.

Even for a while.
Even for a short while.
It will keep me going.

on things that dont make much sense

There is a friend of mine, who quite frankly, is one of the best guy I know.
I should think anyone would be lucky to be granted his companion.
But as no one has ever promised that life will be easy, it is only natural to be greeted with downfall after downfall, I guess.

However, from where I am standing, it looks like he's growing up, one heartbreak at a time (so at least some good is coming out of it right?)
Which led me to thinking that we are all simply being prepped up for when the time is right.

So, as long as we strive to be a little bit better at a time, it should all be good, yes?
Please. Someone needs to confirm this bit.
I'd like to think that happiness can be achieved given enough effort and goodwill.
Clarification on this theory will be greatly appreciated (in fact, any feedback at all will do).

one

The first night I met him was intoxicating.
The full moon was out, positioned smack in the middle of a spread of stars across Nature's canvas.
The wind was breezy enough to give us a placebo effect of hanging out by the beach, but not so much that we were shivering.
A movie setting couldn't have been set better.
Like I said, it was intoxicating - and we, we were intoxicated.

He bore too much resemblance to a Spanish David Beckham that i dismissed him on auto-pilot initially.
I fell for the biggest misconception of them all - such a pretty face couldn't possibly be fronting an equally pretty mind.
By the time he was finishing off my sentences, I had to admit to myself that I've committed the most common sin of all - I judged a bloke entirely by his floppy brown hair and his surfer's physique.

Getting high on life, I did not want the night to end.
We were playing guitar by a lake that was speckled with reflections of pretty lights, our taste buds consistently savoring munchies.
The night did not end. It went on, and on, and on.
Through the crack of dawn, through the chirping birds and the trees with 7 shades of green.
Through breakfast, through morning classes.
The night just went on. As did the conversation.