We Loved With A Love That Was More Than Love

I love driving by myself at night, when the sky is pitch grey, and it feels like i'm floating in space.

There's nothing else.
There's only Quiet, the Night Sky, Light Speckles and THIS playing in the background :

The best thing about these drives on these nights is that you go places, you travel - both physically and of the mind.

On any particular night,
my trail of thoughts are bound to jump from one seed of theory onto another,
and it is not particularly necessary to have a hypothesis drawn from this random jumps. .
Not on nights like these, anyway.

Today, for no more reason other than me feeling like it, I'll let the virtual world take a peek into my trail of thoughts.

One time,

I thought that Love is not being with someone because you need them in your life. Love is wanting to be with someone even though you don't need them.
I truly, with all my heart, place my belief in that. 

After all, God is Almighty and Fair. 

If you were meant to fall in love and consequently, develop the need for this person to be around in order for you to be happy and vice versa, then whatever's gonna happen to one of you when the other person cease to exist?
No no no. That really can't be the conclusion. 

Life is supposed to be good, and a relationship with this other person just makes it even better. That's how it should be. It shouldn't have to mean being stripped off from your survival capability the very moment your partner is no longer part of the picture.

In another fragment of time,
I'll remember the words of Yasmin Mogahed, in an article called Nameless.

There's salvation in admitting defeat.
The peace of prostration.
Just stay still in that position,
With your head lowered.
Freeze.
Wait.
Stay humbled.
Wait.
Stay lowered. Until He raises you.  

They've searched the world
for what can be found in the quietest corners of a room.
They search a million words for what can only be found in silence.
They create a million names for the nameless.
For what can only be found in wordless thought.
Nameless states.  

Maybe I need to live between,
Between the words, the heart,
the space between earth and sky.  

Maybe I could live there.
In the space between knowledge and understanding.
Between love and letting go.
In the place where it stops hurting to be so far away.
In the nameless.

And then, jump, to another thought.

In explaining this particular thought, i will need to, once again, borrow the words of the more eloquent.

There are at least 2 types of love.  

There will be some people you love because of what you get from them :
 what they give you, the way they make you feel.
This is perhaps the majority of love - which is also what makes much of love so unstable.  

But, once in a while, people enter your life that you love - not for what they give you - but for what they are.
The beauty you see in them is a reflection of the Creator, so you love them.
Now, suddenly, it isn't about what you're getting, but rather what you can give.
This is unselfish love.
This second type of love is the most rare.
And if it is based in, and not competing with, the love of God, it will also bring about the most joy.  

To love in any other way is to need, to be dependent, to have expectations - all the ingredients for misery and disappointment. 

Pause.

Breathe.

There's so many things happening all at once, it sometimes gets a little overwhelming trying to make sense of them all.
An endless amount of 'figuring out' left to do.

But it's okay, because as of right now, the drive is over.
These trail of thoughts will be continued. Next drive, maybe.
On a similar night in the future :
Where there's only Quiet, the Night Sky, Light Speckles and THIS playing in the background :

xxx

Valentine's Day

Red hearts strewn carelessly,
Perky umbrellas in the colourful cocktails,
The festive air consumes you each time you breathe it in.

Ladies in evening gowns
and pretty dresses
And the men, all clean shaven,
a bouquet in their hands.

'I Love You's and 'Be My Valentine's spread all over Hallmark cards.
And I,
I sit here gazing in the eyes of my past, my present and (hopefully) my future.
Laughter invading my face each time he cracks a joke.

And even though i know he might not stay for long,
tonight,
it's enough that he is with me.

Tonight, I am complete.

This.

hey !
i need to tell you this
you need to find someone to feed you.
to make sure that you get fed.

and you need to find someone
who can make you smile
(because things are better when you smile, really, they are)
better than that, 
someone who can bring out the quirk in your smile.

although, this person that you're gonna find?
she's gonna have to be okay with your shaggy hair
because that's one of your best parts
and i wouldn't change it for the world.

i dont understand why
you seem like you have the answer
but are refusing to share them with me
so you left me wondering

i dont understand why
you create a barrier between you and people
between you and me
between you and spaces

and i dont understand why
i think you're one of the best people i have had the chance to meet in this lifetime
i wish i had understood you more
i wish i had tried harder
i wish i had been enough

and so, i am sad, yes
but i do not regret This.
feeling This. and being This.

I am better because of This.

aku, dia dan ...

pagi pagi sejuk baru lepas hujan macam ni,
mesti tak sah kalau tak reminisce zaman zaman lalu.
kadang-kadang bila ingat balik drama yang dah jadi,
rasa macam tak boleh comprehend the kind of journey that you've had.

tapi sebab tu lah teenagers are stupid.
sebab memang they are meant to be.
so that they will do stupid stuff that will teach them a lesson
yang akan jadikan mereka semua smart adults.

memang cycle dia vicious that way.
terima je lah.

nak dengar cerita?

saya tak tahu lah kenapa,
dan macam mana,
saya boleh tercicirkan hati, bila;
tertentang saya dengan bulatnya mata
terkelu saya dengan senyum manisnya

saya memang teramatlah kagum
sebab tak pernah saya jumpa species serefreshing itu
seolah olah selama ni saya hidup dalam dunia 2 dimensi
dan tiba tiba dimensi ketiga dibentangkan depan mata

saya macam tak sangka
bagai bulan jatuh ke riba
haha
rasa gembira tapi tak faham apa yang saya dah buat untuk deserve rasa sedemikian rupa

tapi,
biasalah
kadang kadang gembira tu tak datang lama
sebelum diganti dengan kecewa

walaupun sedih tetap ada
tapi saya baru sedar bahawa bersyukur sajalah
sebab ; sekurang kurangnya, yang sempat ada cumalah memori indah saja
jadi takkan ada yang dapat tarnish imaji imaji yang dah terlekat dalam kepala

so, perhaps, it was for the best after all
kalau ada, bagus lah tu
kalau takde, adalah yang lebih baik yang menunggu

:)

at the end of the day, win-win juga kan?
jadi gopoh- gapah sangat pun tak guna juga.
hehe

to you awesome women

Dear Baizulikha and Zalikha,

this is for you beautiful (inside and out) ladies.

Such was Zuleika, such around her shone
The nameless charms unmarked by her alone -
The light of love, the purity of grace,
The mind, the Music breathing from her face,
The heart whose softness harmonized the whole,
And oh! that eye was in itself a soul!

The Bride of Abydos,

Lord Byron

Hati yang agak fragile

Aku memang pelik sungguh dengan kamu.
Kamu cuma punya satu hati, bukan?
Bukan belasan mahupun puluhan?
Dan hati kamu, fragile bukan?
Sekali ku ambil, milik aku sampai bila pun.

Ya, mungkin akan ada yang lain menyusul selepas aku

Tapi yang kau mampu beri pada mereka cuma hati retak

Benar, bukan?

Jawablah sayang,

penat aku bertanya.

Jika benar kata aku,
   mengapa kamu hadiahkan aku hati kamu
   mengapa kamu biarkan aku tinggalkan tanda pada hati itu
dan tiba tiba, kamu menghilang diri.

Bila muncul semula,

kamu buat seolah-olah kita tak pernah punya kaitan

seolah-olah, pada satu masa, kau bukan penyelamat aku

dan aku bukan selimut kamu.

Cebis cebis hati kamu masih pada aku
Aku pelik sungguh,
tak mahu kah kamu tampal semula cebis-cebis yang aku genggam

Aku tak mampu faham

   agenda kamu yang sebenar

Atau mungkin aku salah faham perkataan 'istimewa'

Mungkin kame ada lebih satu hati, mungkin.

Atau mungkin kamu robot yang tak pentingkan rasa jiwa.

Aku masih rindu.

p/s : i found this written at the back of my Design of Steel & Prestressed Concrete exam paper from a long time ago. Cheers.

Relationship Revelation #24 (ni nombor main petik je ni)

I rasa (I ni memang suka rasa macam macam kan?), for a relationship to work, you dont need someone perfect. I have once read :

Love isnt about finding a perfect person. It is seeing an imperfect person, perfectly.

Though, just like cliche cliche yang lain, the saying above were obviously exaggerated. Heck! Perfect tu, by definition, is SEMPURNA tahu tak? There's no such thing as perfect (except when it comes to God which is a different story. Itu kena tunggu blogpost lain la pulak)

I think it's just human kalau the person you are with sometimes do things that annoy you a little, or has traits that you probably wouldnt tolerate if it was in someone else. But IT IS OKAY! Like i said, it's only human.

Yang penting, despite all that, they still complement you and YOUR annoying traits (apa kau ingat dia je ada flaw, kau takde?) and somehow it just works. 

It might not be a fairytale. Maybe, not even macam drama melayu pun. Tapi who cares? You cant expect your story to turn out exactly like a plot from a romance novel.

Just make it work! and then you can write your own book with your own customized storyline!

Be grateful je lah if you already have someone who:

• will laugh at your jokes (both funny and not) hjtg
• comforts you even when you are (unattractively) crying and sobbing sampai mata lebam keluar hingus semua
• listens when you're raging and pretend for a moment that they hate the guts of the person who caused you grief

Cant always expect people to change in order to suit you. Sebab you know that you yourself pun susah nak change to become somebody's fantasy partner.

What you have is probably already great. Just have to have faith in it je.

:)

i could but i dont wanna

ahh.
i could be all poetic and ambiguous in telling you what i feel.
i could use big words and metaphors in every sentence.

but i choose not to.
because i want to be obvious.
and i want the world to know how smitten i am.

more importantly,
i want YOU to know, that,
"My atoms and chemicals could've been made anywhere in the universe, but they were made here, near you. Near yours."

bisik bisik sebelum terlena

hey!

tahu tak?

just like physical strength, 

willpower tu boleh didevelop.

nak buat the right thing,

nak stay on the right path,

memang uber-susah.

sebab :

nak dapat diamonds

memang lebih payah dari nak obtain pasir.

aku memang lemah semangat

tapi aku lucky,

aku ada kamu.

kamu yang sacrifice macam macam untuk revive balik semangat aku.

(dan kamu yang distance kan aku,

dari syaitan syaitan yang bisik di telinga tanpa jemu)

hey!

tahu tak?

kalau jumpa manusia istimewa

yang boleh pimpin ke jalan bahagia

jangan sakitkan hati dia

jangan sia sia kan peluang yang ada

the path to discovery, and to happiness

is never a straight journey.

(buka mata besar besar, tengok signboard betul betul!

dan bilamasa instinct dah terjerit jerit, jangan jadi ignorant)

hey!

jangan takut takut.

aku tak pergi mana mana.

aku ada, untuk kamu.

p/s : the boat may rock, and it might scare you. but i promise ill be in that boat with you, not once letting go of your hands. ini janji aku, sampai kapan pun. :)

Science Application in Love (tak sia sia belajar kimia)

Pernah dengar ura-ura bahawa opposites attract?

Petang tadi aku bereksperimentasi

Cuba buktikan teori laknat itu

Kamu tahu apa jadi,

bila asid sulfurik ditambah dengan sodium bikarbonat?

Jadi neutral, tenang,

serasi dan tak akan meletup.

Dalam bikar aku,

Aku lihat chemicals yang sizzle sesama sendiri.

Oh, jangan mimpi mahu lihat fireworks!

(Apa, kamu ingat, ini cerita dongeng Disney?)

Fireworks, dalam makmal, adalah equivalent dengan destruction!

Makanya, hipotesis aku terbukti!

Konklusi aku?

Ya benar, opposites attract!

Jadi, tak apa kan, kalau kita tiada similarities?

:)

you are my anti-depressant.

Writing is my theraphy.
Some people shop, some people drink, some people get high.
And I,
I write.

When you, (a crush), first said hello,

I'd come home and i write.

When you, (a friend), helped me find revelations deep in the night,

I'd open my book and i write.

When you, (a stranger), says something witty or does something amusing,

I'd remember and i write.

You, all of you,
You are

my Valium,

my Prozac, 

my Xanax.

For it gives me pleasure to write
and someday in the future,

I'll read all about you (and you and you)

and I'll smile. 

:)

Why Would You Want To Blend In When You Can Stand Out?

I'd like to tell you that i'm different.
and that i am unique.

That i was uncool way before it was cool to be uncool.

That i am not like anything and anyone that you've ever met before.

But that would be a lie.

Worse still, that would be a cliche.

So many have claimed that they are different.
And it makes me think, what's so bad about being the same as everyone else?

Cuz i can bet you all the money i have

(which is really not that much, heheh)

that whatever you've been through,
there are others who have been through the same thing.

And why do some people insist on being different?
Do you really have to state your uniqueness?
If you're truly different,won't it simply radiate out of you without you having to make a single statement?

Dont take this the wrong way, ive done it too in the past.
At the time, i felt it was as if people only saw one side of me.
And i wanted people to know that i was more than what they saw.

Macam,
what? just because i wear shorts pergi mamak, does that mean i am not the kind yang baca Yassin every Thursday night?
Just because i buat statement bimbo tak ingat dunia, does that mean i am incapable of discussing anything remotely intelligent?

Siapa ajar korang buat stereotype macam tu haa?

But maybe the lesson to be learnt here is that,
IT'S OKAY if society doesnt see you as who you entirely are.
Because there will be this one person,
who will come into your life

(atau mungkin they are already in it as im typing this)

and this person, will take the time to discover every nook and cranny of you
and love you as who you are.

Regardless of you being different,

or just the same as everyone else.

when i think about you

you are
something that fills in my blanks

the punchline to my jokes
the chorus to my songs
the dimple to my smile
the sparkle in my eyes

you are
the missing piece of my puzzle

reading is better than sex.

i dont know about you guys, but reading is my escape from reality.

seronok kot.
for a few short hours, you dont have to think about your breakup.
you dont have to be reminded of the fact that 'Oh shit! duit dah habis!'
you dont have to constantly think about engineering subjects yang buat you rasa mcm nak tampar muka sendiri sampai you hear ringing in your ears.


you dont have to think about the weight you couldnt lose
or the fact that kereta kau dah 3 minggu takde minyak
or having friends who backstab you
or (sila include your daily worries here, penat la semua i nak buat kan. hehe)

semua benda boleh tolak ke tepi.

for that few short hours,
you can be both princess and pauper.
you can travel back in time and talk to Einstein about theories and philosophy.
you can be a team of angel and devil on the way to plan Armageddon.
you can be contestant in an Indian reality show.
you can have wild romping sex on top of a roof.
you can live in magical lands where rabbits talk.

eh banyak lah you can do.

and you know what they say, theres no image better than the ones that you let your imagination paint for you.
that is why, movies based on books sentiasa sentiasa kena kutuk dengan readers.
because what they present is rarely better than the depiction that we already have in our minds.

disebab kan kecintaan terhadap buku yang teramat sangat,
i think im gonna start a book blog.
buat review buku buku yang dah baca.
(ha tasha, engkau bab bab mcm ni memang rajin kan? assignment Steel dah buat?)

on a totally serious note,
if you have any mind-boggling problems,
instead of finding the nearest bangunan tinggi to jump off from,
cuba baca buku instead
(dalam masa masa suicidal, saya syor kan baca Al-Quran)

it helps, really.

im seeing purple canopies and white bouquets!

my baby is getting married in december!
and i shall be tukang kipas!
wheeeeee.

im hyperventilating sebab excited sangat!

Hafizah,
ever since i promised you my heart and my soul some 9 years ago,
ive been looking forward to this day where you shall be happy with the man of your dreams,
and i will be a (huge) part of that union day.

seems like, after years of talking about this boy that broke hearts, and that boy who's an eye candy, you found your happily-ever-after, after all.
(now its time for us to find one for me jugak! hehe)

Mizah and I will go all Monica, trying to set up THE dream wedding.
(jangan risau sebab we will instill fragments of OUR dream wedding in yours)
and dont worry, no air sirap will be involved.
(for fear of Jamal making stupid statements kat wedding sendiri).

bottom line dia :
aku excited gila sekarang nak design baju bridesmaid. heheh. i love you Fizah!

loads and loads of love,

dah balik UTP, confirm la kena start excessive blogging balik!

ya allah.
this is so silly.

i was bloghopping.
and randomly terjumpa the blog of this guy i used to know a loooong time ago.

back then, he was quiet a flirt.
walaupun at the time, dia ada gf.
he's sort of known for his lady-fetish.
and secara tak sengaja, for a brief moment, i sort of got sucked into a minor drama.
(tapi takde la bitchfight tarik tarik rambut ye)

long story la.

but i never so much as talked to his gf pun.
and i kinda stopped talking to him altogether.

adalah dengar update update about him and the gf via kawan kawan.
tapi setakat dengar je la, tak ambik port sangat pun cuz it has nothing to do with me sejak berzaman dah.

i heard from the little birds that some shit came up.
and that shit turned him into a real gentleman.
and he got married to the gf.

and as i mentioned before,
baru beberapa saat yang lalu, i came across both their blogs.

read their rants dated from yeaaaaars back,
and saw their pics together.

upon seeing their wedding pics (dan gambar yang lain lain),
i suddenly realized air mata dah menitik jatuh.
terharu gila babi seeing how loving they are now.
and how grown up they both seem.

to know that he is no longer the childish impish boy i knew,
and that he is now a man who is soooo in love and soooo responsible,
rasa macam 'oh wow, he finally found what he's looking for in life'.

and it made me so happy.
even though it doesnt have anything to do with me.

tonight, they made me realize that even the relationship with the craziest rollercoaster ride pun has the potential to be 'The Real Thing'.

Tolong jangan tanya if it's THAT time of the month, sebab menangis tiba tiba baca stranger punya blog. Terharu okay. This is a beautiful moment! Let me wallow in it.

;)

Kepada Encik X dan Puan Y,
Though you guys may never read this, please note that i am touched by your love for each other.

Yang benar,
Fithri Natasha Merissa Kartika.

dont say i didnt warn you!

it is extremely easy to fall in love with me.

in the beginning, you might be in denial and claim that being in my company is out of mere convenience.

but soon enough, you will realize that i'm like no other.
with me around, you get to do whatever it is that you've always wanted to.

in other words,
i liberate you.

be aware, though.

the romance will not last forever.
once you get too fixated in my embrace,
too mesmerized by my presence,
that is when i shall break your heart.

forgive me,
it isnt intentional.
im not doing it on the sole purpose of hurting you.

i'm doing it
because i can.

for i am money.

'She'

SHe told me that she is heartless.
I think that she is strong willed, independent, and hard-headed.
But she was not heartless.

SHe told me that she is heartless,
because she feels indifferent when confronted with the emotions of others,
and because she does not empathize.

I think it's bullshit.
I think her heart is warm and aglow.
I think she cares, more than she'll admit.

I dont think she is heartless.
And i like it that way.

:)

An Ode To A Future Lover

Talk to me
Let me indulge in your succulent voice

Allow me in
Let me explore all of you

Share with me
your deepest fears
For i shall hold you close and not let go

Make me fall in love with you
As i already am so very nearly there
All it might take is just
a simple phone call, or
a charming cheeky smile

You see,
i look at numbers and facts,
but it's your name that jumps off the page.

You see,
it's driving me nuts thinking of you this way,
but i can't stop, it's simply too mesmerizing.

Aaaah yes, you still haunt my dreams.
Each night, each time.
So save me.
Save me from falling into this bottomless pit.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs

tonight,
i shall dream about
you and me

in that faraway land
(or perhaps a land that is not too far away)
hand in hand

where we shall
make love to good music
where we shall
have enchanting conversations
where we shall
get intoxicated by the magic
that YOU, wouldve cast on ME.

tonight,
i shall dream about
you and me

you and me
ahhh
what a saucy rendezvous

oh what a lovely dream that shall be.

:)