When the Clock Strikes Midnight

it's midnight.
your phone starts ringing and beeping.
look at that!
birthday wishes in bulk!
there's the long heartfelt text from your bestfriend,
and the template impersonal 'Happy Birthday' message from your friend from primary school whom you have not met in almost a decade.

you are finally 20.
a proper adult, you think to yourself.
while you browse through your Facebook wall, attempting to personally reply each and every one of the virtual wishes that you received, you stop for a while and wonder how much life will be different now that you are no longer a teenager.

from that point on, every word that comes out of your mouth sounds like a piece of wisdom (to yourself of course. others might beg to differ).

sometimes, when you sit by yourself and reflect on the past, you shudder at all the mistakes that you've made, and promise yourself that you'll never be as foolish again.

fast forward to three/four/five birthdays later.
your Facebook birthday wishes have exponentially replaced text messages and phone calls.
you would prefer nothing more than to enjoy a quiet evening with the people that you love rather than have a huge celebration filled with people you barely know.


once you get the opportunity to entertain your thoughts, you realize that the 20 year old you was just as dumb as the 15 year old you.

how could the 20 year old you not know how foolish and naive it was to think that the era of screwing up your own life is over the moment you become an adult? how could you miss the fact that it's only ever going to get worse?

Since your birthday three/four/five years ago,

you have fallen in love,
fallen out of it,
perhaps even do the whole thing a few times over.
at the end of the day, you'll question if you will ever settle down and find the real thing.
if you are lucky enough to have found the real thing, somewhere along the line you will be too comfortable and forget that sustaining anything good involves a lot of effort. and thus make a mess of everything.
repeat cycle as many times as necessary.

you have realized that the course you are taking in university/college is not really what you want to be stuck doing for the rest of your life.

you have also come across the revelation that you are NOT one-of-a-kind or unique in any sense at all. you are just another face in the crowd.

you have had dreams of changing the world.
and those dreams have been shattered in front of your own eyes.
because the world and everyone in it (including yourself) is so fucked up and there's too many wrongs around you and there's nothing you can do to challenge the government and the society.

It is as it is.

I will always love you, so go easy on yourself.

I know you don't want it to matter right now. That's why it matters the most.

I'm actually having one of the biggest writer's block I've ever had. I have tried approximately 74 times (this statistic is bound to be rigged with a pinch of exaggeration) to write a blog post, and failing ever so gracefully.

I am facing a huge loss.
And honestly saying, i dont know how to deal with it.
I go to class and read books and talk about life and humanity with my roommate in an attempt to fill the void, but a void becomes a void for a good reason.
Otherwise, it wouldve been filled with something else already.

Sometimes we live within memories, not realizing that memories are all we have.
Sometimes we get really good at distracting ourselves.
Sometimes we wish someone was here, and at others, we wish them the best.

Because after all,
......

you are expecting me to say something poignant that sounds deep and believable, arent you?
Come on,
you don't need me for that.
you don't need a random person on the net to tell you that everything is going to be fine in the end.
or that there's a very important reason for you to go through all that you've been through.

because deep down inside, you already know.

p/s : This one goes to Fasheeha Adnan, for getting me up from my lazy chair and out of my rut.

lost

i did not stop writing because i dont care.
in fact, it's quite the opposite.
i stopped writing (as much) because i care too much.

i care that the society that we are living in is hypocritical in nature.
i care that people are selfish.
and i care that they are hard to please.

and i am part people, part society.
so yes, im aware that i am also a part of all the traits that i mentioned above.

picture this.
a couple is sitting side by side,
and lets say the girl tells the guy that she got a new job.
an opportunity of a lifetime - in another country.

so,

Situation A : he makes a fuss about it, because moving so far away insinuates jeopardizing the relationship. she gets upset because he's being selfish and asks herself why couldnt he just be happy for her.

Situation B : he smiles and congratulates her for getting the job. and he tells her to go for it. she gets upset because it seems like it didnt matter to him one bit being far away from her.

see? hard to please.

still not convinced?

okay, lets take the issue of cronyism.

If somebody gets a job over you because they know somebody important, you call it cronyism. but if you get that job over others because you know somebody important, then you call it networking.

Selective truthfulness - hypocrisy at its worst (or best?)

People are unpredictable, and they are constantly changing (as am I) and that scares me more than anything else. Because i never know if i've said too much or too little, if i have screwed up or if it's still fixable.

There are just too many things to be said, but I'm afraid i'm not in the best state of mind to say them all. Perhaps when I've gotten better, i'll come back and splash my soul to these pages. Perhaps.

In the meantime, just know that i still care and probably always will. I just need to find the words because as of now, I am kind of lost.

...

it gets worse.
it gets infinitely worse.
your issues, your problems, your fears,
it gets worse when you refuse to face it.

take it from me.
ive been putting a brave face on for too long.
and the funny thing is, i didnt even realize that i was being in denial.
seems apt, no?
i was in denial that i was being in denial.
if these things were happening to someone else, i might even consider it as a LOL moment.
but since im the one who has to face all these, it doesnt tickle me all that much.

im running scared. all over the place.
because i dont even know in which direction im supposed to run.
and it is infinitely worse because i cant even confide in the one person who knows how to handle me in this state.

this sounds depressing, i know.
i sound depressed, i know.
but i really just need to rant.
because ive been hiding under this shadow for too long.
and i dont know what other way to go about this.


ahhhhhh tak tau lah.
tak tau nak kata apa dah.

Valentine's Day

Red hearts strewn carelessly,
Perky umbrellas in the colourful cocktails,
The festive air consumes you each time you breathe it in.

Ladies in evening gowns
and pretty dresses
And the men, all clean shaven,
a bouquet in their hands.

'I Love You's and 'Be My Valentine's spread all over Hallmark cards.
And I,
I sit here gazing in the eyes of my past, my present and (hopefully) my future.
Laughter invading my face each time he cracks a joke.

And even though i know he might not stay for long,
tonight,
it's enough that he is with me.

Tonight, I am complete.

This.

hey !
i need to tell you this
you need to find someone to feed you.
to make sure that you get fed.

and you need to find someone
who can make you smile
(because things are better when you smile, really, they are)
better than that, 
someone who can bring out the quirk in your smile.

although, this person that you're gonna find?
she's gonna have to be okay with your shaggy hair
because that's one of your best parts
and i wouldn't change it for the world.

i dont understand why
you seem like you have the answer
but are refusing to share them with me
so you left me wondering

i dont understand why
you create a barrier between you and people
between you and me
between you and spaces

and i dont understand why
i think you're one of the best people i have had the chance to meet in this lifetime
i wish i had understood you more
i wish i had tried harder
i wish i had been enough

and so, i am sad, yes
but i do not regret This.
feeling This. and being This.

I am better because of This.

what i love

1. sitting at a coffee place with a light book in hand, and great company that makes you laugh.

2. the sound of guitars that have just been tuned.

3. the feeling i get when i look at old pictures of me and realize how much Ive grown since then.

4. having silly crushes.

5. the idea of sitting in a neat cafe/bakery somewhere out of town in France, with old kitsch French songs playing in the background with a book in my hand and fresh croissants in front of me.

6. being near someone I like, and letting the smell of his perfume fill the space between us and intoxicate me.

7. the sound a sharp scissors make.

hello arsenal, it's been a while

i think it's been blindingly obvious why i havent written about Arsenal in such a long time.
the team has been distant to me and i am merely reciprocating the gesture.

ive had a 6 years love-hate relationship with the club.
6 years.
and not once have i had the pleasure of jumping up and down with an imaginary trophy in hand.
and after a while, i guess i sort of have gotten used to it.

somehow though, being the optimist that i usually am,
i still have faith (even though it is diminishing fast).

Wenger claims that it's about time that the game changes.
Obviously it's about bloody time!

1st May shall determine everything.
Everything.

tu me manques

Everyday,
as one heart flutters, another will break.

Oh, but when the heart flutters,
isn't that just the most precious feeling in the world?

When you go crazy from thinking about that person too much. Like, literally crazy.
When you can't stop wishing the phone will ring, and that person's name will appear on the screen.
When everything you see reminds you of that person,
and when everything you want to do, you'd like to do it with them.

And to all of you, 
who just found love,
who just found hope,
who just found meanings,
you, my dear, are blessed.

And to all of you,
who just had a heart broken,
who just had a hope crushed,
who just had lost your way,
things, my dear, will be better.

dimples

being me can sometimes be unnecessarily confusing.
at times, i feel like an old hippie stuck in the middle of little kids,
and at others, i feel like a naive teenager amidst the adults.

either way,
the conversation is not headed in the direction i expected it to.
and somehow,
somehow,
i got lost in translation.

you known graphs?
i am now standing above the number zero.
at number 18, i can see myself moving on (and forward)
at number -4, i can see me being left behind

it makes moving harder than it seems.

.
.
.

on a totally (un)related news, if you have Rs. 50 000 in Bangalore, you can get yourself a dimple. :')

antara hidup antara semesta

 jika aku disuruh
memetik baris baris kata dari kotak minda
dan disuruh menyulam kata dengan rasa
ini lah yang akan tercipta :

hidup,
adalah gabungan antara -
kata putus, yang tercipta dari benak benak jiwa ;
percanggahan rasa, yang mula ada sejak wujud manusia ;
tangisan airmata, yang terbit tanpa dijangka ;
dan senyuman gembira yang datang tanpa dipelawa.

on top of my mind

1. an average person falls asleep in 7 minutes.

i often have to lie down for hours, staring at the ceiling (entertaining wild thoughts) before i finally manage to move to Dreamland. 

i dont know if that means i'm not average, or i'm not a person.

2. in French class, i learnt :

Il est bien, mais ses amis sont bizarres !

which means : he's all right but his friends are weird. 

the lecturer said that this sentence is surprisingly useful. claims that she uses it everyday. being in Tronoh, i'm not surprised (and if you're wondering where Tronoh is, you've just proved my point heheh). Just saying.

3. lately, i keep finding myself on the brink of giving up. but each time, you pulled me away from the ledge. if it wasn't for you, i would've been able to tell you what is in the abyss by now. thank you for babysitting me.

4. I came across this video :

It's a French version of 'Hold Me Tight' by Les Baronnets. Sure, they aren't as good as The Beatles were but the song is still pretty cute.

5. as much as i try to remind myself, i keep forgetting that some things are unexplainable. these things ought to be left by itself for if you try too hard to make sense of it, before you know it, you will be carted off to a psychiatric ward. i should know, there has been too many nights in which i broke down crying simply because i was thinking too much and i couldnt make sense of the thoughts in my head.

6. do you realize that time passes by really fast when you're not doing anything? which sucks because it is when you're at your laziest and not in the mood to do anything that datelines try their hardest to smother you. and when you're taking the time to be as useful as humanly possible, that is when the weekend never seems to come around. whose idea was it again to have a 7 day week ?

people can't be there for you, if you don't let them in.

it's not fair that you wallow by yourself,
and you push people out,
and then you blame them for not being there for you.

it really is not fair.

people always leave. but sometimes they come back.

Speak when you're angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

when you are angry, stay silent.
why?
becauseeeeee..

1) even though you're raging inside, the least you could do is to rage gracefully.
2) it gives you time to come up with good comebacks.
3) 99% of the time (excuse the made up statistic), you'll end up saying something you'll regret or something you dont mean or something that you simply cant take back or something that .. well you get the drift
4) angry people dont look good. (dont believe me? go ahead! scrunch your forehead and flare your nostrils in front of the mirror. and THEN you tell me whether or not you look good!)
5) because you wouldnt want me taunting you later with 'I-Told-You-So's, would you?

;)

Mesej komuniti ini dibawakan kepada anda oleh Jabatan Kesihatan Mental.
Sila take note.

i miss writing for the sake of writing.

i do.
writing without any pretense has it's own ways of liberating you.
you know, some people attempt suicide in the search of freedom, some write.

okay.
that sounds a bit grim.
hahaha.

ive been somewhat trapped in between growing up and craving for the ability to freeze time.
it's kind of a limbo, really. (not the same ones like in Inception)
there has been plenty of contentment and just as much confusion.
and i guess for the longest while, i havent been able to put it into words.

im rambling now, arent i?
you know, i tend to ramble when im sleepy (not that i am at the moment, though). i'll talk nonsense (and non-stop) until at some point i realize that i'm not making any sense at all.

i'd then go all

'am i making any sense to you? cuz im not making much sense to myself. i have the tendency to do this each time im sleepy. are you following what im saying? cuz if you're not, perhaps you should force me to go to sleep. that way, you can skip the whole rambling session...' 

and ill go on and on until somebody either :

a) stop me

b) pop sleeping pills in my mouth/drink

c) hand me a pillow

see. there i go again.
perhaps i am sleepy after all and was just being in denial.
pillow. now. please.