on top of my mind

1. an average person falls asleep in 7 minutes.

i often have to lie down for hours, staring at the ceiling (entertaining wild thoughts) before i finally manage to move to Dreamland. 

i dont know if that means i'm not average, or i'm not a person.

2. in French class, i learnt :

Il est bien, mais ses amis sont bizarres !

which means : he's all right but his friends are weird. 

the lecturer said that this sentence is surprisingly useful. claims that she uses it everyday. being in Tronoh, i'm not surprised (and if you're wondering where Tronoh is, you've just proved my point heheh). Just saying.

3. lately, i keep finding myself on the brink of giving up. but each time, you pulled me away from the ledge. if it wasn't for you, i would've been able to tell you what is in the abyss by now. thank you for babysitting me.

4. I came across this video :

It's a French version of 'Hold Me Tight' by Les Baronnets. Sure, they aren't as good as The Beatles were but the song is still pretty cute.

5. as much as i try to remind myself, i keep forgetting that some things are unexplainable. these things ought to be left by itself for if you try too hard to make sense of it, before you know it, you will be carted off to a psychiatric ward. i should know, there has been too many nights in which i broke down crying simply because i was thinking too much and i couldnt make sense of the thoughts in my head.

6. do you realize that time passes by really fast when you're not doing anything? which sucks because it is when you're at your laziest and not in the mood to do anything that datelines try their hardest to smother you. and when you're taking the time to be as useful as humanly possible, that is when the weekend never seems to come around. whose idea was it again to have a 7 day week ?

i miss writing for the sake of writing.

i do.
writing without any pretense has it's own ways of liberating you.
you know, some people attempt suicide in the search of freedom, some write.

okay.
that sounds a bit grim.
hahaha.

ive been somewhat trapped in between growing up and craving for the ability to freeze time.
it's kind of a limbo, really. (not the same ones like in Inception)
there has been plenty of contentment and just as much confusion.
and i guess for the longest while, i havent been able to put it into words.

im rambling now, arent i?
you know, i tend to ramble when im sleepy (not that i am at the moment, though). i'll talk nonsense (and non-stop) until at some point i realize that i'm not making any sense at all.

i'd then go all

'am i making any sense to you? cuz im not making much sense to myself. i have the tendency to do this each time im sleepy. are you following what im saying? cuz if you're not, perhaps you should force me to go to sleep. that way, you can skip the whole rambling session...' 

and ill go on and on until somebody either :

a) stop me

b) pop sleeping pills in my mouth/drink

c) hand me a pillow

see. there i go again.
perhaps i am sleepy after all and was just being in denial.
pillow. now. please.

God does not change men's condition unless they change their inner selves.

I am the kind of person who cannot handle rejection of any kind. The fear of things not going my way is then used as a cork to stop me from taking any form of action.

For example, i've had the idea to write a story for quite sometime now. I've got the characters and the plot all mapped out, but somehow, out of the fear that i am not able to construct the plot well enough or not being able to narrate the story well to the point that i'm a disappointment to my writer self, i refuse to get started.

I refuse to click on the 'New Document' button and type my thoughts away. It sounds pathetic, yes. Most of the time, i would avoid my problems, half expecting that it will sort itself out if i just leave it there long enough (which we all know is absolute crap). 

I mean, this is hardly a scene in Cinderella where a Fairy Godmother flicks her wand, chants 'Bippity Boppity Boo' and POOF! the pumpkin changes into an obscenely fabulous carriage!

Despite being aware of all that, it's not really a habit I could kick. Regardless of how many times i tell myself that it's better to simply face the inevitable and change along with the circumstance, my entire body will automatically stiffen when the mind gives out the command.

Though, if there's one thing that i learnt this week, perhaps the same shit is happening to you because you keep making the same mistakes in dealing with it. For as long as you refuse to learn from your mistakes, adapt to it and change your ways, your problems will never go away.

And if it provides any additional incentive to get you going, the relief that you get the moment you start taking control of the situation, is completely monumental!

I actually have plenty more to say but at the moment, I'm kind of distracted thinking about how my friends are doing in Egypt. And the fact that the online media restriction that our government plans to impose on us is looking frighteningly like what's happening in Egypt now is of no assurance whatsoever.

Give me a good few hours to finish reflecting. Perhaps then, i will be back to share silly stories instead of talking about life 'revelations' which might have just put a few of you guys reading to sleep already. Tee hee.

Til next time! :)

only believers go to heaven?

for the past two months or so,
i have had to take my sister to the hospital every other day for her physiotherapy appointment.
(she had a bad swimming accident, during which she almost got her finger cut into two. she's fine now if that's what you're wondering. just remember, dont wear rings when you swim! dont say i didnt warn you!)

anyway.
during one of the visits, we got to talking with this old Chinese uncle.
from talking about the Reproduction Chapter of high school Science, we somehow ended up talking about religion.

the uncle then told us about one of his encounter with a Catholic friend.
the friend preached to him about his religion and claimed "You have to embrace it because anyone other than the believers will NOT make it to heaven!"

the uncle then thought for a while and replied, "Well, in that case i dont want to go to heaven! All of my friends are from other religions."

back from hibernation

1. sorry for having been gone for so long. ive been happy and distracted, that's why.

2. i finally have something to be depressed about, and thus am back scribbling and typing away.

3. no, im not gonna tell you what is it that im depressed about, so that should save 5 seconds of your time that it takes to ask me the dreaded question. perhaps a lil bit later, when i'm not feeling as peaky as i am now? :)

4. 2010 has been utterly dreadful to me, and for the past 11 days, ive been living in the fantasy that 2011 will be the my Resurrection Year. It doesnt look too good now, but i'm forecasting better days to come give and take a few months. 

5. Life is uncertain and it sucks that we have to waddle through the uncertainties. But im pretty sure that the only reason we keep ending up at dead ends is that we have yet to learn from our mistake and made the best decision there is.

6. I am thinking of writing a novel. Do you guys think i should? I mean, if i were to write one, would any of you consider forking a small sum of your hard earned cash simply to read my ramblings? Eh ni honest question ni tau. I need answers so jawab laa eh if that's not too much to ask for. Hehe.

7. This is actually just a mock post to let you guys know that im virtually back from my month long hibernation. Am gonna finish the real post that has been sitting as a draft sampai dah berhabuk dah pun. Mneyh.

Later people. 

Love,
Tasha

#3 : My Favourite Television Programme

this post is dedicated to Igniz.

the best combination of six people in the entire world

If you've never heard of the show before, I only have one thing to say to you :
WELCOME TO PLANET EARTH.

I grew up watching FRIENDS.
But it wasnt until 6 years ago that i started watching the show religiously.

In UTP, in the beginning of each semester, ill start watching the show from the Pilot episode and work my way through the 10 seasons. Usually, in 4 months, i wouldve finished watching it at least twice.

I mean, what is there not to love?
Exactly. Nothing.

The jokes are out of the world and original.
The characters are all both charming and weird at the same time.
The mere ease of them blending in together with each other.
The way they make you reaching out for tissues at the end of each season.

All my life,
this is all ive ever wanted.
this is all im asking for.

people who are there during the breakups and the proposals.
friends who stick through the fights and the makeups.
soulmates whom you want around you at all occasions.

i can talk about Friends day in day out.
i could make this post go on and on til you would start cussing at me for writing such a long piece that nobody wants to read (which is why, im trying hard not to start talking about favourite episodes).

this is the only TV series that made it 10 seasons and stayed awesome throughout the way.

p/s : i suka The One Where Joey Speaks French. kelakar gila tolong lah.

oh Tuhan, benci nya bila lapar macam ini

bila ada harimau mengaum dalam perut
sambil cakar cakar
segala usus, segala isi

bila mula terbayang bayang segala macam jenis makanan.
hari-hari biasa, makanan dah terhidang depan mata pun eksyen tak nak makan.
tiba-tiba malam ni teringin nak homemade sandwich yang ada Pistachio Chicken slice dan cheese sekeping dua dan cili sos dan mayo yang melimpah ruah.

tapi ini Tronoh.
Bukan Toronto.
jadi pada pukul 2.06 pagi, bila tiba tiba teringin benda bukan bukan macam tu, jangan harap lah ada supermart buka 24 hours nak layan kerenah perut.

ok fine.
beli burger Ramly pun ok jugak.
tapi tak boleh.
sebab hujan.
dan bila hujan lebat, abang yang selalunya buka burger stall tak jadi buka kedai,
sebab kalau dia buka jugak, nanti baju basah kuyup kena hujan.

dekat Petronas UTP ni dulu patutnya ada McD.
Tapi tak jadi.
sebab ada pihak-pihak yang tulis surat bangkang pembukaan McD sebab itu franchise orang Yahudi, maka kita tak boleh support dan biar mereka untung besar dan guna duit tu untuk attack orang Islam.

mangsanya? saya yang kelaparan pukul 2 pagi sebab takde tempat lain jual burger 24 jam.
saya pun Islam jugak!
huhuhu.

uish. panjang nya rant pasal lack of makanan.

kan, lagi senang kalau tulis :

AKU LAPAR WOI.

settle.

Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder

If you got here expecting to read a medical observation, you are in the wrong place.
This is just a rant, with no solid facts at all.
Go on. Hit the 'X' button, i will not be offended, i promise.
:)

anyway,

ive had a few telltale symptoms of OCPD.

then again, maybe it is just a few perfectionist traits due to my being born under the Virgo sign

but then OCPD sounds more fun! 

heheh. so im gonna stick to it.

im getting giddy, so im listing out a few of my quirks :

1. each time i write notes for class or exams, it has to have more than one colour. that is why i never go to class without my colour pens. in fact, it is so bad there was this one time that i had only just covered one out of ten topics for my paper which was due the next day, and i refused to simply doodle some quick notes using just my pencil. even though im just rewriting other people's notes or doing past year papers, the answer has to be neatly written in at least two colours. otherwise, i wouldnt be able to remember what ive written.

2. the work that i send in has to be perfect by my standard. lets say ive got an assignment that consists of 3 questions. if i only manage to get the answers for two of the questions, but not for the last one, i would rather not send in the assignment at all. -_-'

3. my room is a mess most of the time. but each time i want to study, the room has to be spick and span. (kalau tak, memang jam, baca apa pun tak kan boleh masuk). that is probably why last minute studying has proven to be ineffective in my case. because ill spend more time cleaning the pig-sty of a room than actually studying. 

4. at certain times, i will have a random need to read a certain book out loud. i dont know why, but i just have to do it. during this 'storytelling' phase, i will read a book and each time i mispronounce a word, i have to re-read from the top page. it is tedious and seriously annoying but i seriously cant stop doing it. 

5. every single time i park my car, after a few seconds, ill walk back towards the car to make sure that ive locked it. and it's pathetic because i know for sure that the first thing i do after getting out from the car is to lock it. yet, i have to make sure. every single time. it doesnt sound so bad if im just a few steps away from the car when the compulsion hits me. but sometimes ill be in the shopping mall, a few floors away from where i parked my car, and like it or not, i just have to walk back to the car to make sure that it has been locked. it's either that or i have to spend the rest of the time worrying about my car being stolen. 

this is getting a tad bit long and a tad bit embarrassing. so im gonna stop. 

have YOU got OCD/OCPD tendency? ;)

randomites.

1. im having one of those days. that day where i feel like strangling strangers.

2. ive been stuck at Freecell game #169 for thirty minutes and i still havent been able to solve it. at this rate i will be 45 when i finally finish game #1000000.

3. FRIENDS is still the only thing that's making me feel better on an awful day.

4. i used to think that Kristin Stewart was an abysmal actress. turns out it was just Bella Swan who was an airhead. 

5. the idea of synchronised swimming is really appealing right now, but i cant even swim to begin with so i might as well forget it.

6. i really dig Kevin McHale who plays the dude in the wheelchair in Glee. comellll.

of enjoying life and going with the flow (just like a fish!)

Fall in love or Fall in hate.

Get inspired or Be depressed.

Ace a test or Flunk a class.

Make babies or Make art.

Speak the truth or Lie and cheat.

Dance on tables or Sit in the corner.

Life is divine chaos.

Embrace it.

Forgive yourself.

Breathe.

And enjoy the ride.

-Solbeam-

p/s : on another totally unrelated note, i am - since last night - determined to play Freecell from game #1 right up to #1000000 . so far i've reached #58. :)

Selamat Hari Raya! now lets go out and main mercun!

fuh fuh.
tiba tiba teringin nak conform dengan society.

I would like to publicize sesi pemohonan ampun maaf sempena Hari Raya.

I am, by nature, a loud person. To add to the damage, i am also (most of the time) incapable of watching the things i say. As a result, i might have unintentionally (and sometimes, bila tengah bad mood, intentionally) caused you to add your own dosa sebab marah/simpan dendam/maki maki dekat i due to sakit hati. Teramat amat lah sorry kalau ada such a case (which im pretty sure, ada).

And sometimes, the things that i do are incomprehensible to other (more) normal beings. I wont apologize for being myself and jumping up and down and kadang kadang tergelak extra kuat, but i will say sorry if you happen to be on the same table and malu due to my 'tak cover' behaviour.

I'm only human. I make mistakes. And sometimes i break hearts. Sometimes i provoke and instigate others. Sometimes i do impulsive things that may result in tragedies.

For all of that, saya susun sepuluh jari (i still do not understand the relevance behind this symbolism) and Minta maaf dari hujung rambut sampai hujung kaki. Halalkan makan minum i (or if you insist, claim la lepas i dapat duit raya ni).

Selamat Hari Raya.
Maaf Zahir. dan Batin (hanya kepada golongan golongan tertentu sahaja).

Dont indulge too much with raya food yaww! Jangan menyesal di kemudian hari!

Akhir kata, maju lah sukan untuk negara!

ini semua gara gara baca perihal politik in the light of the celebration of Independence.

1. bilamasa fahaman dan ideologi terbit secara membabi buta, kesedaran patut ada bahawa we are treading on the wrong track. 

2. bilamasa ketidaksetujuan tidak lagi diiringi dengan rasa hormat, muncul lah golongan golongan lancang yang hanya mahu kan kemenangan, bukan lagi kebenaran.

3. bilamasa aku sudah bicara tentang perihal perihal yang randomly righteous, sudah pasti maksudnya telah sampai waktu untuk aku tidur lena.

:)

banana split personality

saya baru baca blog Tidak Best (nama je Tidak Best, tapi best!) yang mengingatkan saya tentang perihal alter ego.

Baru malam semalam waktu otak berpinar pinar, saya terkenangkan alter ego saya sendiri.

Kelakar.

Rasa macam deja vu pun ada.

Eh. Takde kena mengena.

Saya rasa saya yang menulis dan saya yang bercakap adalah dua being yang lain.
Sesungguhnya lain.

Yang menulis ;

mungkin lebih matang
mungkin lebih bijak menilai keadaan
mungkin lebih faham tata manusia

Yang bercakap ;

masih rancak bergelak ketawa
masih hilang dipimpin rasa
masih terkedu masih ternganga

Saya yang ke kelas dan saya yang bermalas di atas katil adalah dua jiwa yang beza.

Sesungguhnya berbeza.

Adanya tembok di tengah.
Yang kiri itu malas,
Yang kanan rancak menari.

To those who only know me virtually ;

jangan terpedaya dengan manis kata

yang hakiki ini tidak lah segah mana.

p/s : sorry termerepek panjang lebar terikutkan perasaan. :)

Random #2 : My Favourite Movie

Just like music, i find it hard to pick just one movie.
Senang cerita, two is always better than one (three four five apa lah lagi kan?)

oooh btw this reminds me of my 'Two Boyfriends Are Better Than One' top. ngahaha. mana baju tu hmmm?

back to what i was saying, movies. Hmmm. i have sooo many favourites la. how to pick just one?

I love most of Quentin Tarantino's work. Kill Bill, Pulp Fiction, Four Rooms, Reservoir Dogs, and obviously Inglourious Basterds (that goes without saying). Deathproof was okay i guess. I didnt like it as much as i liked the others. Tarantino has that special knack of creative directing. It's a challenge trying to figure out his hidden message.

Stanley Kubrick was also pretty good. I think Kubrick was a visionary of his time. Lolita was great (in a slightly disturbing manner, of course). So was Dr. Strangelove, A Clockwork Orange and Full Metal Jacket. Eyes Wide Shut too was eerily pointless.

I repeat watching romance movies like The Notebook and matter-of-fact stories like 500 Days of Summer. I adore musicals like Across The Universe and The Boat That Rocked. Rock N Roll Nerd has a collection of awesome songs. Same goes for Once.

And there are the odd ones like Monty Python and the Holy Grail, A Fish Called Wanda, Who Killed Gilbert Grape, Catch Me If You Can. Those are all brilliant movies. Some foreign ones are good too. Like, the French Love Me If You Dare and Le Fabeleux destin d'Amelie Poulain. Or the Japanese Departures. 

OF course, there are also some exceptional local movies from Allahyarhamah Yasmin Ahmad. I loved all of her movies. Rabun, Sepet, Gubra, Mukhsin, Talentime, Muallaf. She brings out real emotions from me.

Like I said, theres just too many to choose from. Im fickle that way, remember? Do you get me now when i tell you that i simply cant pick any certain one?

But suggesting good ones, THAT i can do. Try movies that were based on Chuck Palahniuk's books. Fight Club, Choke, disturbingly goood. And i heard that Invisible Monsters, Lullaby, Rant and Haunted will soon be made into movies too so that's bound to be explosive.

Cant wait cant wait. :)

one last night with Iylia Elena

I hope I wont forget this tomorrow!

*voice gets squeaky*

I know! I'm gonna write this down!

*voice gets squeakier*

Ooooh! I shall tweet about this!

*voice goes down 2 notches*

I dont think I can fit all these in a single tweet. This'll have to go in my blog!

And, so, here it is.

(I eventually forgot what it was that i feared i would )