Valentine's Day

Red hearts strewn carelessly,
Perky umbrellas in the colourful cocktails,
The festive air consumes you each time you breathe it in.

Ladies in evening gowns
and pretty dresses
And the men, all clean shaven,
a bouquet in their hands.

'I Love You's and 'Be My Valentine's spread all over Hallmark cards.
And I,
I sit here gazing in the eyes of my past, my present and (hopefully) my future.
Laughter invading my face each time he cracks a joke.

And even though i know he might not stay for long,
tonight,
it's enough that he is with me.

Tonight, I am complete.

This.

hey !
i need to tell you this
you need to find someone to feed you.
to make sure that you get fed.

and you need to find someone
who can make you smile
(because things are better when you smile, really, they are)
better than that, 
someone who can bring out the quirk in your smile.

although, this person that you're gonna find?
she's gonna have to be okay with your shaggy hair
because that's one of your best parts
and i wouldn't change it for the world.

i dont understand why
you seem like you have the answer
but are refusing to share them with me
so you left me wondering

i dont understand why
you create a barrier between you and people
between you and me
between you and spaces

and i dont understand why
i think you're one of the best people i have had the chance to meet in this lifetime
i wish i had understood you more
i wish i had tried harder
i wish i had been enough

and so, i am sad, yes
but i do not regret This.
feeling This. and being This.

I am better because of This.

what i love

1. sitting at a coffee place with a light book in hand, and great company that makes you laugh.

2. the sound of guitars that have just been tuned.

3. the feeling i get when i look at old pictures of me and realize how much Ive grown since then.

4. having silly crushes.

5. the idea of sitting in a neat cafe/bakery somewhere out of town in France, with old kitsch French songs playing in the background with a book in my hand and fresh croissants in front of me.

6. being near someone I like, and letting the smell of his perfume fill the space between us and intoxicate me.

7. the sound a sharp scissors make.

hello arsenal, it's been a while

i think it's been blindingly obvious why i havent written about Arsenal in such a long time.
the team has been distant to me and i am merely reciprocating the gesture.

ive had a 6 years love-hate relationship with the club.
6 years.
and not once have i had the pleasure of jumping up and down with an imaginary trophy in hand.
and after a while, i guess i sort of have gotten used to it.

somehow though, being the optimist that i usually am,
i still have faith (even though it is diminishing fast).

Wenger claims that it's about time that the game changes.
Obviously it's about bloody time!

1st May shall determine everything.
Everything.

tu me manques

Everyday,
as one heart flutters, another will break.

Oh, but when the heart flutters,
isn't that just the most precious feeling in the world?

When you go crazy from thinking about that person too much. Like, literally crazy.
When you can't stop wishing the phone will ring, and that person's name will appear on the screen.
When everything you see reminds you of that person,
and when everything you want to do, you'd like to do it with them.

And to all of you, 
who just found love,
who just found hope,
who just found meanings,
you, my dear, are blessed.

And to all of you,
who just had a heart broken,
who just had a hope crushed,
who just had lost your way,
things, my dear, will be better.

dimples

being me can sometimes be unnecessarily confusing.
at times, i feel like an old hippie stuck in the middle of little kids,
and at others, i feel like a naive teenager amidst the adults.

either way,
the conversation is not headed in the direction i expected it to.
and somehow,
somehow,
i got lost in translation.

you known graphs?
i am now standing above the number zero.
at number 18, i can see myself moving on (and forward)
at number -4, i can see me being left behind

it makes moving harder than it seems.

.
.
.

on a totally (un)related news, if you have Rs. 50 000 in Bangalore, you can get yourself a dimple. :')

antara hidup antara semesta

 jika aku disuruh
memetik baris baris kata dari kotak minda
dan disuruh menyulam kata dengan rasa
ini lah yang akan tercipta :

hidup,
adalah gabungan antara -
kata putus, yang tercipta dari benak benak jiwa ;
percanggahan rasa, yang mula ada sejak wujud manusia ;
tangisan airmata, yang terbit tanpa dijangka ;
dan senyuman gembira yang datang tanpa dipelawa.

on top of my mind

1. an average person falls asleep in 7 minutes.

i often have to lie down for hours, staring at the ceiling (entertaining wild thoughts) before i finally manage to move to Dreamland. 

i dont know if that means i'm not average, or i'm not a person.

2. in French class, i learnt :

Il est bien, mais ses amis sont bizarres !

which means : he's all right but his friends are weird. 

the lecturer said that this sentence is surprisingly useful. claims that she uses it everyday. being in Tronoh, i'm not surprised (and if you're wondering where Tronoh is, you've just proved my point heheh). Just saying.

3. lately, i keep finding myself on the brink of giving up. but each time, you pulled me away from the ledge. if it wasn't for you, i would've been able to tell you what is in the abyss by now. thank you for babysitting me.

4. I came across this video :

It's a French version of 'Hold Me Tight' by Les Baronnets. Sure, they aren't as good as The Beatles were but the song is still pretty cute.

5. as much as i try to remind myself, i keep forgetting that some things are unexplainable. these things ought to be left by itself for if you try too hard to make sense of it, before you know it, you will be carted off to a psychiatric ward. i should know, there has been too many nights in which i broke down crying simply because i was thinking too much and i couldnt make sense of the thoughts in my head.

6. do you realize that time passes by really fast when you're not doing anything? which sucks because it is when you're at your laziest and not in the mood to do anything that datelines try their hardest to smother you. and when you're taking the time to be as useful as humanly possible, that is when the weekend never seems to come around. whose idea was it again to have a 7 day week ?

people can't be there for you, if you don't let them in.

it's not fair that you wallow by yourself,
and you push people out,
and then you blame them for not being there for you.

it really is not fair.

people always leave. but sometimes they come back.

Speak when you're angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

when you are angry, stay silent.
why?
becauseeeeee..

1) even though you're raging inside, the least you could do is to rage gracefully.
2) it gives you time to come up with good comebacks.
3) 99% of the time (excuse the made up statistic), you'll end up saying something you'll regret or something you dont mean or something that you simply cant take back or something that .. well you get the drift
4) angry people dont look good. (dont believe me? go ahead! scrunch your forehead and flare your nostrils in front of the mirror. and THEN you tell me whether or not you look good!)
5) because you wouldnt want me taunting you later with 'I-Told-You-So's, would you?

;)

Mesej komuniti ini dibawakan kepada anda oleh Jabatan Kesihatan Mental.
Sila take note.

i miss writing for the sake of writing.

i do.
writing without any pretense has it's own ways of liberating you.
you know, some people attempt suicide in the search of freedom, some write.

okay.
that sounds a bit grim.
hahaha.

ive been somewhat trapped in between growing up and craving for the ability to freeze time.
it's kind of a limbo, really. (not the same ones like in Inception)
there has been plenty of contentment and just as much confusion.
and i guess for the longest while, i havent been able to put it into words.

im rambling now, arent i?
you know, i tend to ramble when im sleepy (not that i am at the moment, though). i'll talk nonsense (and non-stop) until at some point i realize that i'm not making any sense at all.

i'd then go all

'am i making any sense to you? cuz im not making much sense to myself. i have the tendency to do this each time im sleepy. are you following what im saying? cuz if you're not, perhaps you should force me to go to sleep. that way, you can skip the whole rambling session...' 

and ill go on and on until somebody either :

a) stop me

b) pop sleeping pills in my mouth/drink

c) hand me a pillow

see. there i go again.
perhaps i am sleepy after all and was just being in denial.
pillow. now. please.

Random #4 : My Favourite Book

If you ask me (i know you didnt, but shh! it's a matter of expression, so just let me be will ya?) I honestly think that reading widens a person's perspective and makes them more mature when it comes to analyzing issues.

I don't just mean books specifically. Any kind of reading material should be able to give you that extra edge that you need to be a better prepared person to deal with Life in all its forms.

Anyway. My friends and I went book shopping a few hours back (right after we got back from eating strawberries on top of Cameron Highlands no pics sorry kitorang miskin takde camera). BARGAIN ALERT!

I managed to get my hands on a vintage copy of Romeo and Julia (that's not a typo), which was 'DI-CHETAK DI-SEMENANJONG TANAH MELAYU' in 1960. Yeah, you guessed right. It was a copy of Romeo and Juliet translated into Bahasa by a certain Trisno Sumardjo.

What i love about this tattered issue is that it kind of reminded me of 'Hikayat 1001 Malam' that was also translated into BM that i read when i was a kid. That wasnt even the best part! The best part is that it only cost me RM4. I have no idea whether the translation is any good as I havent even taken my copy out of it's glorious plastic wrapping yet, but i'll let you know how it goes once im through with it.

Back to what i was saying previously, I always find myself daydreaming about a future in which i have read ten-folds the amount of books that I already have at this point of time. I imagine the kind of person I'd be then and the kinds of new things that I wouldve discovered via reading.

Truth be told, I am kinda looking forward to seeing what that version of me would be like.

Back to the topic of the post, there are two reasons why i'd dig a book (as much as i would a hot hunk). It would be either because it's so well written that it becomes a source of entertainment for me, or, it could be because it is in some way, life changing (or to be less dramatic and more politically correct : thought-provoking).

And, duh! Having too many choices to pick from makes it all that much harder to pinpoint my favourite book. I love Palahniuk's books, Haunted more than the others. I love Ben Elton's books as well, for the strong points that he brings forward through such pleasing form of language. But at the same time, I also dig The Little Prince (i dont care that it's a book for kids, it is AWESOME when it comes to classifying the different kinds of people you see around you!) and If Only It Were True (which, for me, is like the written equivalent of the film 'Ghost', only better).

Angela's Ashes was one of the first books that opened my eyes to oppression and stereotypes. A Man Named Dave introduced me to the topic of Abuse. Reading 120 Malay Movies gave me a clearer insight of both the filming industry and the Malay culture (and how obsessed we are about being subtle in every aspects).

Oooooh.

I've got it! The most recent book that got me thinking on a loop will be Isa Kamari's Intercession. Seeing as the story involves the act of combining Science and Religion, i could only imagine how hard it was for him to finish the story and to present it to us readers the way that it has been presented. I do not suggest the book for those weak at heart. Haha. (Intercession is to the Muslims SORT OF what Da Vinci's Code was to the Christians. In the sense that it is controversial.)

By the way, I came across BFM's podcast. And I figured i should share with you this particular segment where they discussed 'The Most Overrated Books'. Give it a listen! I think it's a kick-ass discussion that needs to be heard by book lovers worldwide. CLICK HERE.

lain macam punya culture shock

In Malaysia, the term 'culture shock' is often associated with people who has led a very sheltered life and was then exposed to hedonism at its best.

Oh yes, i have been shocked by cultures before.

I was 12 and it was my first day in high school. I did not understand the term 'couple'. My knowledge in music was non-existant. I could barely converse in English and i did not know the first rule of socializing.

Yeah, i was THAT naive.

Coming from a different primary school than most of the kids there, i was hoping i could start fresh and not be the number one target of the bullies. (in primary school, i was given a hard time for not keeping up with the latest gossip of 'Nsync and not knowing what TLC stands for)

No such luck.

As i walked in with my parents on the Orientation Day, students who passed us by kept wishing my parents 'Good morning, sir' 'Good afternoon Madam'. Yeah. And my parents were beaming, everyone in the school is so polite! And they speak such fluent English! Obviously they would be a great influence to me.

On Monday, as i stood by myself in the middle of the huge assembly area, I could see a bunch of Form Fivers hugging each other, catching up on each other's end-of-the-year vacation. I saw a good looking guy embracing a super model lookalike tightly, kissing her on the cheeks, right in front of the row of schoolteachers.

I dont know what i was expecting. Perhaps from the stories Ive heard about other schools, i half-guessed that one of the teachers would walk to them and smack them on the head for 'inappropriate behaviour'. Nobody seemed to care.

A few weeks into the semester, a gossip was going round, saying that one of the girls in the next class has proudly announced that she was finger-effed (please pardon the language, this is just for the sake of telling the story) by another classmate.

And i didnt know the F word. I didnt understand the concept. I didnt know what to make out of that piece of rumour flying about.

Almost every weekend, i would hear about some party somebody's throwing. But i was never invited, so it was never my concern. Heck, even if i was, my parents would not have allowed me to attend anything that involves dirty dancing at that tender age.

There were all kinds of people. 15 year old boys who drove Skyline to school, trying to provoke the seniors to race him. There were people making out in classrooms after school (so u really had to be careful upon entering any deserted rooms after hours). There were cliques like the ones you see in Hollywood movies depicting a typical American school. There were the handball team who went to tournaments dolled from top-to-toe in complete, matching Nike baby-Ts, pants and shoes (it seemed then as if Nike was the main sponsor for our team).

The opponent team often mocked our school with statements like 'ek eleh, ni nak main handball ke nak pergi model ni?' hahahahahah.

I vividly remember a particular Bahasa Malaysia class. The teacher was trying to explain 'kabus' but nobody seemed to understand what the word meant. Eventually, she went 'dont you guys know what fog is? Haaaa, that is what kabus means!' It was entertaining! All this while, ive been hearing about English teachers who has had to teach in Malay, and there i was, sitting in the midst of a reversed situation.

I was in the Entrepeneur Club, and there was this one project that we worked on where we make bracelets and sold them to raise money for the club. One time, i lost my pliers and couldnt complete a particular bracelet on time. The girl who ordered the bracelet then confronted me asking for the bracelet. I explained the situation to her, to which she practically shouted (in front of the entire class),

"Bitch!! I dont care if your pliers are missing! My bracelet was supposed to be done by now! Are you stupid, bitch?? Next time, if you cant follow through, dont attempt to start a business in the first place!!"

I was traumatized by that particular episode for years. These days, I could just laugh about it along with the person who terrorized me but back then, it was a bleak memory that petrified me to no ends.

Despite ALL of the stories i've just told you (and a lot more that i havent), i loved the school from the core of my heart. Apart from the random bitchiness, they were mostly pleasant people who was horrifyingly intelligent. A friend of mine, at the age of 13 wrote to the publisher of countless History books, pointing out facts and details that they have gotten wrong. She was in love with the Renaissance era and was reading Russian literature (she even tried to get me to read them too but it was a tad bit too heavy for me back then)

They were in general, open to opinions and they respect other people's views of the world. Heated discussions are inevitable but at the end of the day, you learn that you don't necessarily have to be right all the time. It is when you do not have any opinions that it becomes Hades for you.

All in all, being there gave me a wider perspective of life. It taught me to stand up to those who put me down and to have my own voice in stating opinions. I was taught to not be too much of an orthodox when it comes to assessing situations and that everyone is different in their own ways and the least you can do is respect that and simply agree to disagree.

Life in university was an even bigger shock for me. But lets save that story for another day, shall we? Penat lah type.

God does not change men's condition unless they change their inner selves.

I am the kind of person who cannot handle rejection of any kind. The fear of things not going my way is then used as a cork to stop me from taking any form of action.

For example, i've had the idea to write a story for quite sometime now. I've got the characters and the plot all mapped out, but somehow, out of the fear that i am not able to construct the plot well enough or not being able to narrate the story well to the point that i'm a disappointment to my writer self, i refuse to get started.

I refuse to click on the 'New Document' button and type my thoughts away. It sounds pathetic, yes. Most of the time, i would avoid my problems, half expecting that it will sort itself out if i just leave it there long enough (which we all know is absolute crap). 

I mean, this is hardly a scene in Cinderella where a Fairy Godmother flicks her wand, chants 'Bippity Boppity Boo' and POOF! the pumpkin changes into an obscenely fabulous carriage!

Despite being aware of all that, it's not really a habit I could kick. Regardless of how many times i tell myself that it's better to simply face the inevitable and change along with the circumstance, my entire body will automatically stiffen when the mind gives out the command.

Though, if there's one thing that i learnt this week, perhaps the same shit is happening to you because you keep making the same mistakes in dealing with it. For as long as you refuse to learn from your mistakes, adapt to it and change your ways, your problems will never go away.

And if it provides any additional incentive to get you going, the relief that you get the moment you start taking control of the situation, is completely monumental!

I actually have plenty more to say but at the moment, I'm kind of distracted thinking about how my friends are doing in Egypt. And the fact that the online media restriction that our government plans to impose on us is looking frighteningly like what's happening in Egypt now is of no assurance whatsoever.

Give me a good few hours to finish reflecting. Perhaps then, i will be back to share silly stories instead of talking about life 'revelations' which might have just put a few of you guys reading to sleep already. Tee hee.

Til next time! :)

only believers go to heaven?

for the past two months or so,
i have had to take my sister to the hospital every other day for her physiotherapy appointment.
(she had a bad swimming accident, during which she almost got her finger cut into two. she's fine now if that's what you're wondering. just remember, dont wear rings when you swim! dont say i didnt warn you!)

anyway.
during one of the visits, we got to talking with this old Chinese uncle.
from talking about the Reproduction Chapter of high school Science, we somehow ended up talking about religion.

the uncle then told us about one of his encounter with a Catholic friend.
the friend preached to him about his religion and claimed "You have to embrace it because anyone other than the believers will NOT make it to heaven!"

the uncle then thought for a while and replied, "Well, in that case i dont want to go to heaven! All of my friends are from other religions."