because we are as we are

while i still have a smidgen of rage in me (which will hopefully help this post write by itself), i guess i should write.

Something. Anything.

life gives us not answers but instead,
it poses questions.

and if you get it correct,
you would know,
because it would feel right.

as im hovering
neither here nor there
grasping for hints
to guide me through it all,
i float higher
i sink lower
but i am as i am
and the world is what it is

Alas,
even if you do not make a decision, the universe will make one for you.

putus jari boleh jahit, putus hati?

di saat aku berdosa dan kamu berdosa.
di saat aku terleka dan kamu berahsia.
di saat ragu pilu menghentam dada.
di saat itu lahir curiga.

my brother, the clown.

i dont get why my room is so hot.
panas. panas. panas.
im living in fear of getting heat stroke while im sleeping!
tuh. tuh.

ok dah habis merengek.

anyway, my parents have always had this strict restriction :
no boyfriend/girlfriend until after high school.

perhaps that was why i never had a boyfriend until lah masuk university. (wahahaha, in denial gila! padahal time sekolah selekeh gila mana ada orang nak buat girlfriend!)

back to my story.
my brother (the only boy among us) is 10 just got ratted by our lil sister.
She told the parents that he has a girlfriend called something or other.

Mom : Hakim ada girlfriend? Kan Papa dah cakap dulu, no girlfriends until habis sekolah!

Hakim : Eleh biar lah.Papa lain, Hakim lain.

Mom : Girlfriend Hakim cantik tak?

Hakim : Mestilah cantik!

Mom : Tak pun biar Mama je lah cari kan. Nak tak?

Hakim : Tak mau!!! Kalau Mama yang pilih mesti Mama cari yang solehah.

-_-'

randomites.

1. im having one of those days. that day where i feel like strangling strangers.

2. ive been stuck at Freecell game #169 for thirty minutes and i still havent been able to solve it. at this rate i will be 45 when i finally finish game #1000000.

3. FRIENDS is still the only thing that's making me feel better on an awful day.

4. i used to think that Kristin Stewart was an abysmal actress. turns out it was just Bella Swan who was an airhead. 

5. the idea of synchronised swimming is really appealing right now, but i cant even swim to begin with so i might as well forget it.

6. i really dig Kevin McHale who plays the dude in the wheelchair in Glee. comellll.

Unwelcome Words

i was re-reading Amir Muhammad's piece for New Malaysian Essays 1 : Unwelcome Words when my OCD side of the brain refuses to read on without highlighting ones that i particularly like.

Anak ikan :
Catamite ; a young man, perhaps barely past the age of consent, used for sexual purposes. Has both heterosexual and homosexual connotations and so, in the parlance of personal ads, it's a 'versatile' phrase. From the Malay 'little fish' which you can swallow whole without worrying about de-boning.
"The actress Rosnah Mat Aris got into trouble for speaking too enthusiastically about her alleged anak ikan on a talk show."

Apanama :

Malay for 'Whatsisname'. To say this while searching your mental database for the person's name might signify a kind of lofty contempt. Popularised by former Prime Minister Tun Mahathis Mohamad, who used it all the time during interviews, although the word would usually be edited out by the time it appeared in the print media.

"That anak ikan of hers... apanama... Adam was just in here looking for DVDs."

Cable :
Denotes crony connections. A stronger version of 'pulling strings'. Despite the government's persistent attempts to encourage transparency and openness, some spoilsports insist on doing business this way!
"That bugger should not have been promoted so quickly, but he has cable."

Chu kia :

Of inferior quality. From the Hokkien, 'make/work false.'

"That sex video recording is not so chu kia, they used four cameras!"

Feng tau :
Chinese techno music, that is associated in the popular imagination with the XTC drug, the consumption of mineral water, dark places, laser strobe lights, and throbbingly insistent songs that consist of the repetition of the same 5 words. From the Cantonese, 'shake head.'/
"I tried to concentrate on Trigonometry despite the feng tau from across the road."

Kau tim :

To settle a debt or seal a deal. From the Cantonese, 'play finish.'

"The cop stopped me for speeding but he was such an obliging bugger that RM5 was enough to kau tim."

Line clear :
This is a bit more than 'the coast is clear', it means that there are no further impediments to success. Probably after you have kau tim with the right people. One of Malaysia's most commercially successful film directors, Razak Mohaideen, uses it for his company name, although here it might mean he's so attuned to what the public wants it's like he gets a good radio signal.
"After he married the leader's daughter, it was line clear for him."

Muka seposen :

To look pitiful ; sometimes a useful tool for the passive aggresive type. Literally Malay 'ten-sen face', as if that person were a beggar who would be content with such a small amount. 

"Get that lancau and his muka seposen out of here or I will lanyak him."

Porah/podah :
Go away, sometimes in a figurative sense of 'Get outta here!' from the Tamil.
"When the DVD scandal broke, he insisted he wouldn't resign, but everyone else told him to porah."

Projek :

Malay sland for 'illicit sex' ; because the way projects are awarded in Malaysia also involves lies subterfuge and some cleaning up afterwards.

"They decided the movie was poyo and so they porah to the staircase to projek."

Rempit :
Young Malay males on motorcycles, who conduct illegal street races and inspire hit movies. The Dictionary defines the word only as 'to hit with a rattan cane' but this now probably refers to a fantasy punishment for the racers.

Sabo :

Short for sabotage. 

"We were about to projek last night but some guard sabo our plans by locking up the staircase."

Skandal :
A sex partner with whom you have no emotional bond.
"He was driving back with his skandal when they were overtaken by a bunch of samseng rempit types."

Skodeng :

Peeping tom. Someone who spies on, and maybe takes secret recordings of courting couples while they projek in parks and staircases. 

"There was a suggestion in Terengganu in early 2007 to recruit skodeng to become religious vigilantes, all in the name of vice reduction."

I would seriously suggest all of you to get a copy of New Malaysian Essays. They are in their 3rd edition already as of now. 

It's really good to know that there are plenty of unconventional published writers who writes with real essence as compared to those sappy Malay 'romance' novels and Malay chic-lit with predictable story line. At least these people won't kill your brain cells simply through their writing. :)

 

Arsenal vs. Chelsea

1. Benci tak bila 1st, 2nd, 8th, 28th minute ada goal attempt tapi haram satu pun tak masuk?

2. Benci tak bila match against big teams je tak boleh nak menang? Nak seri pun susah. Kalau setakat menang dengan West Brom Bolton and the likes je buat apaaaaa.

3. Benci tak bila there's nothing to be proud of sebab team sendiri dah bertahun tahun tak menang league?

4. Benci tak bila Arshavin perform the first few games je lepas tu showed the world that he's just an old guy who cant even run properly after the ball?

5. Benci tak bila ball possession dah 62-38 to our advantage pun still tak boleh score lagi?

6. Benci tak bila Chelsea's first goal was by accident terkena kaki sekali heyyyyy WTF MASUK PULAAAAKKKK? Dah lepas tu Drogba boleh bajet Elvis pulak tepi padang. Hotdaymn.

7. Benci tak bila player Arsenal lembik gila sikit sikit nak injured?

8. Benci tak bila tengok Koscielny macam takde contribution? Since his debut, kerja asyik nak injured, lepas tu kena yellow card. Pfft.

9. Benci tak bila ada striker yang tak reti nak tendang bola, reti header je. (read : Chamakh)

10. Benci tak bila Fabregas takde, it's as if semua orang doesnt have a clue what to do and bercamaraderie di atas padang? 

11. Benci tak bila delay journey nak balik UTP just to watch the game tapi kalah bodoh macam ni?

12. Benci tak bila in addition to all these, ada suara suara sumbang bahan Arsenal dengan semangat sebab pergi tengok bola dekat area Chelsea's supporters?

BENCI.

I repeat. BENCI. 

p/s : tapi at least Arsenal tak kalah dengan Blackpool dekat turf sendiri, unlike some people. hahahah. (cheap shot, i know)

God's Existence.

If God does not exist, 

that means heaven does not exist either. 

And that means the world's poor,

those millions who live in poverty and oppresion,

will never go to heaven. 

And if that is so, 

then how do you explain all the suffering of the poor?

What are we here for,

and why do we put up with so much unhappiness,

if it's all for nothing?

-Snow, Orhan Pamuk

of enjoying life and going with the flow (just like a fish!)

Fall in love or Fall in hate.

Get inspired or Be depressed.

Ace a test or Flunk a class.

Make babies or Make art.

Speak the truth or Lie and cheat.

Dance on tables or Sit in the corner.

Life is divine chaos.

Embrace it.

Forgive yourself.

Breathe.

And enjoy the ride.

-Solbeam-

p/s : on another totally unrelated note, i am - since last night - determined to play Freecell from game #1 right up to #1000000 . so far i've reached #58. :)

The Trouble With Malaysia

Brian Yap once wrote :

The trouble with Malaysia is that too many people like to tell others what the trouble with Malaysia is. This includes me of course, as the topic of this essay evidently proves.

Most of us might not have much to say about the melting of the ice caps, but many of us have plenty of opinions about the state of our nation, and more importantly, what we think the problems are.

All of which is fine. Except, if so many people know what the trouble with Malaysia is, then do we hate ourselves so much, or are we so helpless, that we choose not to do anything?

If we all know what the trouble with Malaysia is, and a big part of solving any problem is identifying the cause, then why are we still trapped?

And I, being Malaysian, am also subjected to the geographical need to conform.
Though, in the spirit of being a nationalist (wahahaha), I shall not conform too much.
Malaysia is fine. It's the people in it that I have problems with.

Things I Can't Stand :

one : 

a few years back, we started crowding the Arab restaurants at Jalan Damai for a good pot of shisha, a chilled bottle of Barbican and the random Shawirma every now and then.

it was crowded then too but every bit possible to get a table.

somehow, over time, it became infested.

uhuh, infested is apt here, i think.

Parking area with their "RM4 per entry" signs started propping up.

and perhaps, it had a lot to do with Hartamas Square closing down, but soon enough you see random guys chasing you after you have parked by the road side, demanding RM2, RM3 and then RM4.

seriously, who gave those guys the authority to rob people blind?

it's not as if they did anything much apart from waiting for someone to park, with a glisten in their eyes that seems to threaten you that your car will be violated with car-key-scratches unless you pay up.

it's gangsterisme in its worst form.

perhaps i should consider doing that for extra pocket money.

i could easily make thousands a day if i were to do that in the parking area in campus.

hmmm.

the only outcome i can predict is that either all the cars in UTP will sooner or later be scratched beyond recognition, or that it's my face that will end up with the scratches.

LOL

two :

remember the whole TV3 is secretly a Freemason/Illuminati organization hype a few weeks back over the Raya advertisement?

Over-speculation.

Some things are undeniable, sure.

But some things are also unnecessary.

Look. I can start one right now.

You know which other organization has Freemason-tendency?

PLUS.

Check out the triangle roof.

It's shaped like a pyramid.

It has an All-Seeing-Eye right dab in the middle of the triangle.

So that probably means that PLUS is under a Mason organization too, yes?

I mean, come on, do we have over-read everything .

We're meant to discover stuff, yes, but that is by doing a thorough research, not to get over-excited over a piece of the picture and dwelt on it without trying to discover the bigger picture.

now I'm not saying it's only Malaysians who over-speculate (of course, other people from other countries do it too link ) but our tendency to do so is shockingly obvious. And some even go to extreme lengths with extreme thoughts and extreme words.

It's a pity really.
And again, just as Mr. Brian Yap (he is the dude who starred in Muallaf and writes for KLUE btw. check this out to see the tribute piece he wrote for Yasmin Ahmad) suggests, I do not have the solution for this.

So yes, we are still trapped for the time being. Sigh.

i was going to go to bed but then i suddenly felt bad for abandoning my blog so i decided to ramble on about something even though i dont exactly have anything to say.

it was my birthday on the 19th.
being 22 was not much different than any other day.
well, except for the fact that i got a box of cuppacakes (all of them chocolate because they know that i dont really dig other flavours. thanks ami aisha dean terharu serious tak tipu!) and that it took me three whole days to thank everyone who wished me on facebook (i had to say thanks individually. doing it in bulk makes it seem impersonal. I memang OCD that way. abaikan)

ive kinda been on a TV-series frenzy for a few days now and im worried about my sanity. im scared that watching too much will make me question why people don't have anything sweet and poignant to say in real life.
it's sort of like that time in FRIENDS when Joey and Chandler got free porn and started questioning the fact that the delivery girl sent in pizza and left without stripping and seducing them.

I cant really afford being institutionalized by TV programmes, you know?
Hehh.

ive actually got plenty of things to ramble on about but i'm getting pretty restless. need to get to bed now.

bila takde stock mercun..

tahun ni supplier mercun tak balik kampung.
so instead of main mercun battery yang mcm mini-fireworks kat KLCC, The Curve time Merdeka and New Year,

tahun ni, i duduk depan pc,
main Spider Solitaire macam orang gila,
lepas tu excited sorang sorang each time menang and ada keluar fireworks kat screen.

Fuh.
best dowh raya ni.

Terima kasih Spider Solitaire.

Selamat Hari Raya! now lets go out and main mercun!

fuh fuh.
tiba tiba teringin nak conform dengan society.

I would like to publicize sesi pemohonan ampun maaf sempena Hari Raya.

I am, by nature, a loud person. To add to the damage, i am also (most of the time) incapable of watching the things i say. As a result, i might have unintentionally (and sometimes, bila tengah bad mood, intentionally) caused you to add your own dosa sebab marah/simpan dendam/maki maki dekat i due to sakit hati. Teramat amat lah sorry kalau ada such a case (which im pretty sure, ada).

And sometimes, the things that i do are incomprehensible to other (more) normal beings. I wont apologize for being myself and jumping up and down and kadang kadang tergelak extra kuat, but i will say sorry if you happen to be on the same table and malu due to my 'tak cover' behaviour.

I'm only human. I make mistakes. And sometimes i break hearts. Sometimes i provoke and instigate others. Sometimes i do impulsive things that may result in tragedies.

For all of that, saya susun sepuluh jari (i still do not understand the relevance behind this symbolism) and Minta maaf dari hujung rambut sampai hujung kaki. Halalkan makan minum i (or if you insist, claim la lepas i dapat duit raya ni).

Selamat Hari Raya.
Maaf Zahir. dan Batin (hanya kepada golongan golongan tertentu sahaja).

Dont indulge too much with raya food yaww! Jangan menyesal di kemudian hari!

Akhir kata, maju lah sukan untuk negara!

how do you expect me to respect you when you can't even respect yourself?

if it makes you happy parading your stupidity to the whole world as if it's something to be proud of, then go on, i can't stop you.

but that also means i can't respect you.

ahhhhh maybe we should all just leave you as you are. 

besides, you seem to enjoy playing the part of the imbecile in the glass. 

you seem to adore having people pass you by, pointing and sniggering.

if that's your choice, then so be it. 

but don't blame us if we get a kick out of pointing and laughing at you.

hey, it's only fair, no?

(lopsided grin)

ini semua gara gara baca perihal politik in the light of the celebration of Independence.

1. bilamasa fahaman dan ideologi terbit secara membabi buta, kesedaran patut ada bahawa we are treading on the wrong track. 

2. bilamasa ketidaksetujuan tidak lagi diiringi dengan rasa hormat, muncul lah golongan golongan lancang yang hanya mahu kan kemenangan, bukan lagi kebenaran.

3. bilamasa aku sudah bicara tentang perihal perihal yang randomly righteous, sudah pasti maksudnya telah sampai waktu untuk aku tidur lena.

:)

Independent enough ke nak celebrate Independence Day?

Early Disclaimer : Today is not Malaysia's birthday. It is just the 53rd anniversary of it's independence. Those are two very different things mmkay?

Beberapa calendar tahunan yang lepas, saya still semangat nak sambut Hari Merdeka. Masa tu, saya jakun lagi dengan fireworks yang buat saya rasa macam kat dalam Disney's animation, duduk santai layan asap tepi castle yang besar mcm Hogwarts. 

Tapi, then again, rasanya sampai mati pun tak hilang kot rasa jakun tu?

Unfortunately, ada incident yang buat saya turn off dengan mass Merdeka celebration. Masa tu kat The Curve. Ingat kan okay la, checkout fireworks 5 mins je pun from home. Tak payah la nak sesak sesak layan kaki cramp sebab tekan clutch byk sgt being stuck dalam traffic. Padahal kat Curve pun sama je. Nak cari parking dah dekat sejam. Dapat tengok fireworks 5, 6 minit je. Tak berbaloi langsung.

Tapi masa tu darah muda, hahah. Claustrophobic pun claustrophobic lah. Tak kisah la even though kena sesak nafas in the midst of orang orang hyper macam nak pergi reformasi. Tiba-tiba, ada a bunch of underaged kids sprayed snow in a can all over my face! Habis makeup rambut segala penat je duduk depan cermin lama lama nak set up, tapi last last kena spray. Ish.

Tapi, somehow, over the years saya dah notice how Merdeka has simply become an excuse for people to party without even knowing the real meaning of that celebration.

Bukannya nak jadi bitter (which actually means, memang bitter ni, tapi sikiiiit je la, tak la bitter sangat) tapi how do you expect me to be all hyped up pasal Independence Day when i am in no way independent. Tak langsung! Dalam apa apa aspek pun, im pretty much masih dijajah oleh pihak pihak lain.

Masih ada ikatan dengan Petronas yang bakal memakan masa yang lama.

Masih mengharap setiap minggu parents akan email cakap duit dah masuk kat Maybank account.

Masih layan EPL tiap tiap hari nak kena cukak Soccernet tapi local football scene tak nak ambik tahu langsung (one of these days, kena jugak tengok Selangor punya match dekat Stadium Shah Alam!).

Masih dikelilingi orang orang yang berfikir macam time nama Malaysia masih Tanah Melayu dulu.

Masih dikeliling mentaliti yang tak logik dan kurang berkembang.

Masih ada egoist egoist yang tak mahu terima pendapat orang lain.

Masih malas dan masih bertangguh.

Jadi, apa yang nak diraikan sekarang? Jadi, lebih baik layan hari ni macam hari yang lain lain kan?

Sebab memang tak ada bezanya.

:)

Selamat Hari Merdeka, Malaysia.

p/s : bulan dan bintang kat langit pun boleh tahan power lawa macam fireworks jugak. Cuma tak ada bunyi meletup je. :)