small things and big gestures

you know how they call the first few months of relationship the 'honeymoon period'?
it's not surprising, considering that the romance level will decrease by a few notches post-honeymooning.

i think this (after the honeymoon period is over) is where we greedy humans often go wrong.
it is at this point that we tend to focus on the big gestures that says 'I LOVE YOU' and stop noticing the small things.

I read Amir Muhammad's story in Rojak where he recalled a certain memory from his childhood.
He was standing outside of a mosque with his father after prayer, simply waiting for his mother to come out. While they were waiting, he noticed his dad picking up his mother's shoes and simply moved the shoes so that it would face the other direction. That way, when his mother comes out from the mosque, she wouldnt have to fiddle with her shoes. Instead she could put it on right away. And that was the first time Amir realized that his father loves his Ummi.

I'm starting to think that those small things might actually mean more than big gestures.
It's awesome, really, how something so small that it's almost insignificant can actually determine how far you can go.

aku, dia dan ...

pagi pagi sejuk baru lepas hujan macam ni,
mesti tak sah kalau tak reminisce zaman zaman lalu.
kadang-kadang bila ingat balik drama yang dah jadi,
rasa macam tak boleh comprehend the kind of journey that you've had.

tapi sebab tu lah teenagers are stupid.
sebab memang they are meant to be.
so that they will do stupid stuff that will teach them a lesson
yang akan jadikan mereka semua smart adults.

memang cycle dia vicious that way.
terima je lah.

nak dengar cerita?

saya tak tahu lah kenapa,
dan macam mana,
saya boleh tercicirkan hati, bila;
tertentang saya dengan bulatnya mata
terkelu saya dengan senyum manisnya

saya memang teramatlah kagum
sebab tak pernah saya jumpa species serefreshing itu
seolah olah selama ni saya hidup dalam dunia 2 dimensi
dan tiba tiba dimensi ketiga dibentangkan depan mata

saya macam tak sangka
bagai bulan jatuh ke riba
haha
rasa gembira tapi tak faham apa yang saya dah buat untuk deserve rasa sedemikian rupa

tapi,
biasalah
kadang kadang gembira tu tak datang lama
sebelum diganti dengan kecewa

walaupun sedih tetap ada
tapi saya baru sedar bahawa bersyukur sajalah
sebab ; sekurang kurangnya, yang sempat ada cumalah memori indah saja
jadi takkan ada yang dapat tarnish imaji imaji yang dah terlekat dalam kepala

so, perhaps, it was for the best after all
kalau ada, bagus lah tu
kalau takde, adalah yang lebih baik yang menunggu

:)

at the end of the day, win-win juga kan?
jadi gopoh- gapah sangat pun tak guna juga.
hehe

sabarlah si atheist, sabarlah si anak muda.

berbagai macam isu berlegar legar dalam kepala
sampai tak mampu nak pilih yang mana satu nak diluahkan.

dari isu si atheist yang bencikan ibadah puasa,

ke isu anak anak muda (fuh, cakap mcm la dah tua sangat. hahah) bercumbu di tengah kota.

bagi yang dah tahu, elok lah tu.
bagi yang belum tahu, maaf, saya tak mahu tambahkan malu.

dua isu yang essence nya berbeza

tapi dari segi reaksi penonton, teramat lah sama

dua golongan yang dilabel berdosa

direjam dihina umat manusia

(ni apasal cakap nak rhyme ni? ngahahahaha)

entah la. bila tengok reaksi para pembaca,

yang rata rata nya mencaci mencerca

seolah olah tak pernah berdosa

rasa sayu tak terkata.

agama Islam, adalah seindah-indah agama
yang mana penganutnya penuh dengan kasih sayang dan kelembutan
yang mana tutur kata bisa melembutkan hati golongan yang tak percaya
tapi secara generalnya,sekarang ni, susah betul nak nampak kelembutan dan humility tu.

asal nampak benda/orang yang lari sedikit dari landasan normal,

terus ramai ramai balingkan hujah-hujah (yang agak repetitive dan sama in essence) 

"astaghfirullahhalazim budak budak zaman sekarang"

"ni perangai mcm ni memang kafir. neraka je la tempat kau"

"mak bapak tak ajar la ni, jadi macam ni."

"baik mati je daripada menyusahkan agama macam kau ni"

"bodoh bangang sial (sila tambah carutan di sini) punya orang. kau tak malu ke weh?"

jawab ini sejujur jujur nya:

Who are we to play God?
Apakah kelayakan kita untuk tentukan syurga neraka seseorang? Untuk menjatuhkan hukum mati? Untuk melabelkan orang sebagai kafir?
Fasih sangat kah kita untuk memfitnah orang lain bahawa mereka tidak mendidik darah daging dengan benar?

Sigh.

Dalam banyak banyak isu sosial, pada saya, keberanian memaki hamun dan melontar fitnah di balik skrin komputer adalah isu yang paling menyedihkan sekali.

Oh, saya bukan cuba kata kan yang saya manusia yang sempurna,
dan semua orang lain adalah salah dan saya seorang saja yang betul.

Jauh sekali.

Saya sendiri terlalu banyak kesilapan, terlalu naive, terlalu daif ilmu di dada.
Tapi kalau guna akal yang ada, it is pretty obvious that cara yang halus itu selalunya lebih berkesan dari cara yang kasar.
Kalau pun teringin di hati nak menegur, biarlah dengan cara yang betul.
Biarlah dengan rasa hormat, bukannya rasa superior kepada orang yang dinasihati.

Because when you advise anyone with respect, it shows.

And when you do it while bearing in mind that you are better than the other person, it will also show.

Hanya teguran dengan rasa hormat saja yang bakal membuatkan hujah-hujah kamu diterima juga dengan rasa hormat.

Ahhhhh. banyak lagi sebenarnya rasa rasa yang tak mampu nak ditulis.

Rasa rasa yang belum ada perkataan tercipta untuk explain with pen and paper.

Harap harap saya sentiasa ingat.

Untuk tidak mengclassifykan orang dalam category category apa pun
Untuk tidak cepat melatah
Untuk tidak memaki hamun sesedap rasa
Untuk tidak cepat membenci dan mengata.

:)

to you awesome women

Dear Baizulikha and Zalikha,

this is for you beautiful (inside and out) ladies.

Such was Zuleika, such around her shone
The nameless charms unmarked by her alone -
The light of love, the purity of grace,
The mind, the Music breathing from her face,
The heart whose softness harmonized the whole,
And oh! that eye was in itself a soul!

The Bride of Abydos,

Lord Byron

#3 : My Favourite Television Programme

this post is dedicated to Igniz.

the best combination of six people in the entire world

If you've never heard of the show before, I only have one thing to say to you :
WELCOME TO PLANET EARTH.

I grew up watching FRIENDS.
But it wasnt until 6 years ago that i started watching the show religiously.

In UTP, in the beginning of each semester, ill start watching the show from the Pilot episode and work my way through the 10 seasons. Usually, in 4 months, i wouldve finished watching it at least twice.

I mean, what is there not to love?
Exactly. Nothing.

The jokes are out of the world and original.
The characters are all both charming and weird at the same time.
The mere ease of them blending in together with each other.
The way they make you reaching out for tissues at the end of each season.

All my life,
this is all ive ever wanted.
this is all im asking for.

people who are there during the breakups and the proposals.
friends who stick through the fights and the makeups.
soulmates whom you want around you at all occasions.

i can talk about Friends day in day out.
i could make this post go on and on til you would start cussing at me for writing such a long piece that nobody wants to read (which is why, im trying hard not to start talking about favourite episodes).

this is the only TV series that made it 10 seasons and stayed awesome throughout the way.

p/s : i suka The One Where Joey Speaks French. kelakar gila tolong lah.

dari perempuan kepada perempuan

sungguh,

yang sudah berpunya memang lazimnya lebih menarik hati

yang bukan mudah dipetik yang itu menjadi keinginan abadi

tapi,

beringat ingat lah, 

Tuhan itu Maha Adil.

bilamasa kau cuba mencari ruang untuk menjadi orang ketiga

dan bilamasa hubungan terjalin atas kesedihan orang lain

ketika itulah namamu akan termaktub dalam buku karma

jika benar dia memang tercipta untukmu

dan engkau dicipta untuknya

tak perlu lah bermuslihat segala, 

tak perlu juga rebutkan dia

yang pasti, tak akan kemana.

jangan lah buka pekung di dada

jangan lah menangis meronta ronta

jangan mengejar jangan memaksa

nanti terjatuh terngadah sudahnya

aku faham apa kau rasa

aku juga pernah disana

tapi biarlah kena niat dan cara

tak perlu lah main redah saja

:)

oh Tuhan, benci nya bila lapar macam ini

bila ada harimau mengaum dalam perut
sambil cakar cakar
segala usus, segala isi

bila mula terbayang bayang segala macam jenis makanan.
hari-hari biasa, makanan dah terhidang depan mata pun eksyen tak nak makan.
tiba-tiba malam ni teringin nak homemade sandwich yang ada Pistachio Chicken slice dan cheese sekeping dua dan cili sos dan mayo yang melimpah ruah.

tapi ini Tronoh.
Bukan Toronto.
jadi pada pukul 2.06 pagi, bila tiba tiba teringin benda bukan bukan macam tu, jangan harap lah ada supermart buka 24 hours nak layan kerenah perut.

ok fine.
beli burger Ramly pun ok jugak.
tapi tak boleh.
sebab hujan.
dan bila hujan lebat, abang yang selalunya buka burger stall tak jadi buka kedai,
sebab kalau dia buka jugak, nanti baju basah kuyup kena hujan.

dekat Petronas UTP ni dulu patutnya ada McD.
Tapi tak jadi.
sebab ada pihak-pihak yang tulis surat bangkang pembukaan McD sebab itu franchise orang Yahudi, maka kita tak boleh support dan biar mereka untung besar dan guna duit tu untuk attack orang Islam.

mangsanya? saya yang kelaparan pukul 2 pagi sebab takde tempat lain jual burger 24 jam.
saya pun Islam jugak!
huhuhu.

uish. panjang nya rant pasal lack of makanan.

kan, lagi senang kalau tulis :

AKU LAPAR WOI.

settle.

of P. Ramlee and how Malaysians don't learn from past mistakes

cewah.
title blog tak nak panjang gila kan?
haha.

i saw the documentary of P. Ramlee on History channel.

(mula mula tension sebab Si Rambut Kembang tukar channel sebab masa tu tengah excited nak tengok cerita apa tah kat 413 haha. nasib baik the documentary was well worth it).

Lepas habis tengok, terus terkilan tertekan.

The man was a legend.
But he did not get the recognition and treatment that he deserved until long after his death,
which pretty much doesnt count dah kan?

(and after all these years of idolizing him, i never knew this!)
 

1. He was the 'anak ikan' of Shaw Brothers. A successful man like him are bound to be subjected to evil glares of others. Having been given special treatment over all the other directors, he became the bull's eye of their dart boards. Using their connection with the media, they managed to curb stories about P. Ramlee's success and brilliance from reaching the society.

2. He was well recognized internationally, but was criticized in Malaya.

3. During the Pop Yeh Yeh era, P. Ramlee was boo-ed on stage because his songs were already 'lapuk' by then and nobody wanted to listen to them.

4. After producing more than 360 songs for EMI, they one decided to tell him 'im sorry, we're not going to continue your contract with us because your album dah tak laku'.

aaaaah, the list of frustration goes and on and on.
just typing about it is giving me a headache.
and considering that i need my sanity so that i can study for my final exams, i shall stop listing it out.
you can read about it here and here if you're curious.

My point is, some things never change.

Allahyarham P. Ramlee was recognized at an international level, but he was shunned by his own countrymen. On the day that he died, there weren't even any food at home. Saloma didn't even have enough money to pay for his funeral. And his family couldn't even claim the royalty for his songs because even though he wrote the whole thing by himself, it wasnt copyrighted under his name.

It's just sad to know that 'our people' has been acting like this from dulu sampai la sekarang.
At the sight of somebody being more successful, we freak out and do all we can to bring that person down.

Ugh. Ugh. 

I take the 'we' back in the statement above.

(i initially thought that using 'we' would make it seem less like i'm pointing fingers at others, but being included in 'we' makes me feel disgusted with myself)

Surprise surprise,
Yasmin Ahmad was treated pretty much the same.
The genius in her movies were often misconstrued as something that it is not.
Her films are sought-after on an international level, and yet Malaysia refused to show her films as they are 'controversial'.
It was only after her death that they decided to air it.

I've lost my mood.

Can't write what i originally wanted to write.

So im gonna stop now.

Bye.

P/s : BTW, check out Amir Muhammad's  article on P. Ramlee foreseeing the future that is Facebook here.

Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder

If you got here expecting to read a medical observation, you are in the wrong place.
This is just a rant, with no solid facts at all.
Go on. Hit the 'X' button, i will not be offended, i promise.
:)

anyway,

ive had a few telltale symptoms of OCPD.

then again, maybe it is just a few perfectionist traits due to my being born under the Virgo sign

but then OCPD sounds more fun! 

heheh. so im gonna stick to it.

im getting giddy, so im listing out a few of my quirks :

1. each time i write notes for class or exams, it has to have more than one colour. that is why i never go to class without my colour pens. in fact, it is so bad there was this one time that i had only just covered one out of ten topics for my paper which was due the next day, and i refused to simply doodle some quick notes using just my pencil. even though im just rewriting other people's notes or doing past year papers, the answer has to be neatly written in at least two colours. otherwise, i wouldnt be able to remember what ive written.

2. the work that i send in has to be perfect by my standard. lets say ive got an assignment that consists of 3 questions. if i only manage to get the answers for two of the questions, but not for the last one, i would rather not send in the assignment at all. -_-'

3. my room is a mess most of the time. but each time i want to study, the room has to be spick and span. (kalau tak, memang jam, baca apa pun tak kan boleh masuk). that is probably why last minute studying has proven to be ineffective in my case. because ill spend more time cleaning the pig-sty of a room than actually studying. 

4. at certain times, i will have a random need to read a certain book out loud. i dont know why, but i just have to do it. during this 'storytelling' phase, i will read a book and each time i mispronounce a word, i have to re-read from the top page. it is tedious and seriously annoying but i seriously cant stop doing it. 

5. every single time i park my car, after a few seconds, ill walk back towards the car to make sure that ive locked it. and it's pathetic because i know for sure that the first thing i do after getting out from the car is to lock it. yet, i have to make sure. every single time. it doesnt sound so bad if im just a few steps away from the car when the compulsion hits me. but sometimes ill be in the shopping mall, a few floors away from where i parked my car, and like it or not, i just have to walk back to the car to make sure that it has been locked. it's either that or i have to spend the rest of the time worrying about my car being stolen. 

this is getting a tad bit long and a tad bit embarrassing. so im gonna stop. 

have YOU got OCD/OCPD tendency? ;)

Minggu ni Arsenal tak berapa handsome?

i was watching Champion's League highlights tadi.

tiba tiba tension sebab Arsenal tak capable of playing a fast-paced game (well, ok perhaps Walcott was fast and he did overrun the two Shakhtar Donesk players, but we lost the game anyway didnt we?)

maybe i should stop following EPL and support Ajax and just watch Champion Leagues instead. 

it's a tempting thought. 

for a start, i dont have to be frustrated with Arsenal week in week out. 

aaaaand, the MU fans would probably get off my back over games that funnily enough, i do not play in but somehow get made fun of.

GARR. 

sense of loyalty hmph!. 

-_-'

(hahaha bitter gila ntah apa apa ntah)

Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book

Ika's mom is going to move to Labuan soon and she would be leaving all her books behind. Being a sucker for freebies, I hogged three huge paperbags of books that should last me til next June or so.

I have just finished lining them up on the rack (according to height!) and am about to cry because it already looks like a mini library :')
crying over a book shelf would definitely put me under the 'psycho' list, so ive decided to blog about it instead (as a way to stop the tears from making a debut).

And yes, a part of me just wants to show off. :P

1) State of Fear - Michael Crichton
2) The Terminal Man - Michael Crichton
3) Noble House - James Clavell
4) Absolute Proof - Stephen Frey
5) Justice - Faye Kelleman
6) Life of Pi - Yann Marcel
7) Primary Colours - Anonymous
8) Bleachers - John Grisham
9) Inside The Kingdom - Carmen bin Laden
10) Dolores Clairborne - Stephen King
11) Dreamcatcher - Stephen King
12) Twelve Red Herrings - Jeffrey Archer
13) Black Market - James Patterson
14) Hide and Seek - James Patterson
15) The Doomsday Conspiracy - Sidney Sheldon
16) The Stars Shine Down - Sidney Sheldon
17) It Is Bliss Here - Myles Hildyard
18) Dead Air - Iain Banks
19) Walking on Glass - Iain Banks
20) Canal Dreams - Iain Banks
21) Ash Wednesday - Ethan Hawke
22) Brother Odd - Dean Koontz
23) A Darkness More Than Night - Michael Connelly
24) Vanished - Danielle Steel
25) Mixed Blessings - Danielle Steel
26) The Hot Zone - Richard Preston
27) There Is No Me Without You - Melissa Fay Greene
28) La Prisonniere - Malika Oufkir and Michele Fitoussi
29) Revolusi Mental Mahathir - Yahaya Ismail

karma schmarma.

im the kind of person who constantly needs to talk.
it's more of a sickness, really, if i were to be honest.
each time i'm faced with a new set of problems, my friends (and their respective ears) are the ones that suffer.

i have a raging need to voice something out loud in order for my brain to compute it.

(as im writing, im feeling very sympathetic towards my friends. you see, i can be obsessive at times. ahh, who am i kidding, i obsess ALL the time. i can talk about a stupid topic for hours and hours. and now i think i ought to personally thank all of you for still wanting to befriend me. ngehh)

my parents once told me though,

whatever it is that you want the world to see, you need not show. if you are sincere enough, one day, at the right time, the world will realize it all on its own accord, without any coercion on your part. 

which brings me to the realization that perhaps, you ought not be talking about negative things. like, your fears and your dark issues and well, things that you intend to forget.

this is not optimism talking. it really isn't.
it's just well, common sense.

constantly talking about something will not provide the issue with any solution, i can vouch for that. all it makes you do is worry more and more about something that might or might not even happen. and well, to be honest, if you focus on something more than you should, it has a tendency of propelling you out of control.

so you want to forget about a bad breakup.

why the hell are you still talking about the heartbreaker to your friends?

you keep telling yourself and everybody who's listening that you want to forget all about the jerk who broke your heart, and the awful things that the person has done to you.
talking about it relentlessly will NOT give you what you need to move on and walk away.

but then again, if anybody were to tell me this a few months back, i would probably ignore it and do whatever the hell i want anyway.

so yeah.

haha.

How people treat you is their karma, how you react is yours.

pantun attempt #1

rintik rintik di balik jendela
bagai menyanyi lagu di hati
dijentik jentik hati yang lara
mengharap senyum terukir kembali

Arsenal vs. Manchester City

fuh.

after 45 minutes of nail-biting, they made a comeback.

Nasir, Bendtner, Song,

tonight korang lelaki paling handsome atas muka bumi! 

:)

Thank you Fabianski, for not pulling a Rob Green.

Thank you Adebayor, for the almost-own-goal. It wouldve been so much better if it wasnt an 'almost'. Imagine the entire Arsenal team sliding in front of Man City's supporters, showing off,  just like you did last season. Imagine. Fuh. That would be swell!

Thank you.

Thank you for not being a disappointment tonight.

Thank you for this feeling of triumph! (you know how long it has been..)

Thank you for making it worth skipping studying for my test. 

:)

of being content and uncertainties

Iylia Elena once told me :

The line between your love for something and your pride of ownership over it is very thin. 

Boy! I hate it when she's right (which is pretty much all the time)!

When something goes wrong, being human, we tend to point the finger elsewhere. But like love, mishaps too, take two to tango. As much as it sucks being in the wrong, you can't deny that you too, have erred.

Wanting to be a part of someone's life is only understandable, especially when you're in love. But it is never okay to take full part. Your life is yours, and your partner's life is theirs. Some space, are simply not meant to be invaded.

With that,

*inhale* *exhale*

"Everything will be okay in the end. If it is not, then it's not the end."

because we are as we are

while i still have a smidgen of rage in me (which will hopefully help this post write by itself), i guess i should write.

Something. Anything.

life gives us not answers but instead,
it poses questions.

and if you get it correct,
you would know,
because it would feel right.

as im hovering
neither here nor there
grasping for hints
to guide me through it all,
i float higher
i sink lower
but i am as i am
and the world is what it is

Alas,
even if you do not make a decision, the universe will make one for you.

putus jari boleh jahit, putus hati?

di saat aku berdosa dan kamu berdosa.
di saat aku terleka dan kamu berahsia.
di saat ragu pilu menghentam dada.
di saat itu lahir curiga.

my brother, the clown.

i dont get why my room is so hot.
panas. panas. panas.
im living in fear of getting heat stroke while im sleeping!
tuh. tuh.

ok dah habis merengek.

anyway, my parents have always had this strict restriction :
no boyfriend/girlfriend until after high school.

perhaps that was why i never had a boyfriend until lah masuk university. (wahahaha, in denial gila! padahal time sekolah selekeh gila mana ada orang nak buat girlfriend!)

back to my story.
my brother (the only boy among us) is 10 just got ratted by our lil sister.
She told the parents that he has a girlfriend called something or other.

Mom : Hakim ada girlfriend? Kan Papa dah cakap dulu, no girlfriends until habis sekolah!

Hakim : Eleh biar lah.Papa lain, Hakim lain.

Mom : Girlfriend Hakim cantik tak?

Hakim : Mestilah cantik!

Mom : Tak pun biar Mama je lah cari kan. Nak tak?

Hakim : Tak mau!!! Kalau Mama yang pilih mesti Mama cari yang solehah.

-_-'

randomites.

1. im having one of those days. that day where i feel like strangling strangers.

2. ive been stuck at Freecell game #169 for thirty minutes and i still havent been able to solve it. at this rate i will be 45 when i finally finish game #1000000.

3. FRIENDS is still the only thing that's making me feel better on an awful day.

4. i used to think that Kristin Stewart was an abysmal actress. turns out it was just Bella Swan who was an airhead. 

5. the idea of synchronised swimming is really appealing right now, but i cant even swim to begin with so i might as well forget it.

6. i really dig Kevin McHale who plays the dude in the wheelchair in Glee. comellll.

Unwelcome Words

i was re-reading Amir Muhammad's piece for New Malaysian Essays 1 : Unwelcome Words when my OCD side of the brain refuses to read on without highlighting ones that i particularly like.

Anak ikan :
Catamite ; a young man, perhaps barely past the age of consent, used for sexual purposes. Has both heterosexual and homosexual connotations and so, in the parlance of personal ads, it's a 'versatile' phrase. From the Malay 'little fish' which you can swallow whole without worrying about de-boning.
"The actress Rosnah Mat Aris got into trouble for speaking too enthusiastically about her alleged anak ikan on a talk show."

Apanama :

Malay for 'Whatsisname'. To say this while searching your mental database for the person's name might signify a kind of lofty contempt. Popularised by former Prime Minister Tun Mahathis Mohamad, who used it all the time during interviews, although the word would usually be edited out by the time it appeared in the print media.

"That anak ikan of hers... apanama... Adam was just in here looking for DVDs."

Cable :
Denotes crony connections. A stronger version of 'pulling strings'. Despite the government's persistent attempts to encourage transparency and openness, some spoilsports insist on doing business this way!
"That bugger should not have been promoted so quickly, but he has cable."

Chu kia :

Of inferior quality. From the Hokkien, 'make/work false.'

"That sex video recording is not so chu kia, they used four cameras!"

Feng tau :
Chinese techno music, that is associated in the popular imagination with the XTC drug, the consumption of mineral water, dark places, laser strobe lights, and throbbingly insistent songs that consist of the repetition of the same 5 words. From the Cantonese, 'shake head.'/
"I tried to concentrate on Trigonometry despite the feng tau from across the road."

Kau tim :

To settle a debt or seal a deal. From the Cantonese, 'play finish.'

"The cop stopped me for speeding but he was such an obliging bugger that RM5 was enough to kau tim."

Line clear :
This is a bit more than 'the coast is clear', it means that there are no further impediments to success. Probably after you have kau tim with the right people. One of Malaysia's most commercially successful film directors, Razak Mohaideen, uses it for his company name, although here it might mean he's so attuned to what the public wants it's like he gets a good radio signal.
"After he married the leader's daughter, it was line clear for him."

Muka seposen :

To look pitiful ; sometimes a useful tool for the passive aggresive type. Literally Malay 'ten-sen face', as if that person were a beggar who would be content with such a small amount. 

"Get that lancau and his muka seposen out of here or I will lanyak him."

Porah/podah :
Go away, sometimes in a figurative sense of 'Get outta here!' from the Tamil.
"When the DVD scandal broke, he insisted he wouldn't resign, but everyone else told him to porah."

Projek :

Malay sland for 'illicit sex' ; because the way projects are awarded in Malaysia also involves lies subterfuge and some cleaning up afterwards.

"They decided the movie was poyo and so they porah to the staircase to projek."

Rempit :
Young Malay males on motorcycles, who conduct illegal street races and inspire hit movies. The Dictionary defines the word only as 'to hit with a rattan cane' but this now probably refers to a fantasy punishment for the racers.

Sabo :

Short for sabotage. 

"We were about to projek last night but some guard sabo our plans by locking up the staircase."

Skandal :
A sex partner with whom you have no emotional bond.
"He was driving back with his skandal when they were overtaken by a bunch of samseng rempit types."

Skodeng :

Peeping tom. Someone who spies on, and maybe takes secret recordings of courting couples while they projek in parks and staircases. 

"There was a suggestion in Terengganu in early 2007 to recruit skodeng to become religious vigilantes, all in the name of vice reduction."

I would seriously suggest all of you to get a copy of New Malaysian Essays. They are in their 3rd edition already as of now. 

It's really good to know that there are plenty of unconventional published writers who writes with real essence as compared to those sappy Malay 'romance' novels and Malay chic-lit with predictable story line. At least these people won't kill your brain cells simply through their writing. :)

 

Arsenal vs. Chelsea

1. Benci tak bila 1st, 2nd, 8th, 28th minute ada goal attempt tapi haram satu pun tak masuk?

2. Benci tak bila match against big teams je tak boleh nak menang? Nak seri pun susah. Kalau setakat menang dengan West Brom Bolton and the likes je buat apaaaaa.

3. Benci tak bila there's nothing to be proud of sebab team sendiri dah bertahun tahun tak menang league?

4. Benci tak bila Arshavin perform the first few games je lepas tu showed the world that he's just an old guy who cant even run properly after the ball?

5. Benci tak bila ball possession dah 62-38 to our advantage pun still tak boleh score lagi?

6. Benci tak bila Chelsea's first goal was by accident terkena kaki sekali heyyyyy WTF MASUK PULAAAAKKKK? Dah lepas tu Drogba boleh bajet Elvis pulak tepi padang. Hotdaymn.

7. Benci tak bila player Arsenal lembik gila sikit sikit nak injured?

8. Benci tak bila tengok Koscielny macam takde contribution? Since his debut, kerja asyik nak injured, lepas tu kena yellow card. Pfft.

9. Benci tak bila ada striker yang tak reti nak tendang bola, reti header je. (read : Chamakh)

10. Benci tak bila Fabregas takde, it's as if semua orang doesnt have a clue what to do and bercamaraderie di atas padang? 

11. Benci tak bila delay journey nak balik UTP just to watch the game tapi kalah bodoh macam ni?

12. Benci tak bila in addition to all these, ada suara suara sumbang bahan Arsenal dengan semangat sebab pergi tengok bola dekat area Chelsea's supporters?

BENCI.

I repeat. BENCI. 

p/s : tapi at least Arsenal tak kalah dengan Blackpool dekat turf sendiri, unlike some people. hahahah. (cheap shot, i know)

God's Existence.

If God does not exist, 

that means heaven does not exist either. 

And that means the world's poor,

those millions who live in poverty and oppresion,

will never go to heaven. 

And if that is so, 

then how do you explain all the suffering of the poor?

What are we here for,

and why do we put up with so much unhappiness,

if it's all for nothing?

-Snow, Orhan Pamuk

of enjoying life and going with the flow (just like a fish!)

Fall in love or Fall in hate.

Get inspired or Be depressed.

Ace a test or Flunk a class.

Make babies or Make art.

Speak the truth or Lie and cheat.

Dance on tables or Sit in the corner.

Life is divine chaos.

Embrace it.

Forgive yourself.

Breathe.

And enjoy the ride.

-Solbeam-

p/s : on another totally unrelated note, i am - since last night - determined to play Freecell from game #1 right up to #1000000 . so far i've reached #58. :)

The Trouble With Malaysia

Brian Yap once wrote :

The trouble with Malaysia is that too many people like to tell others what the trouble with Malaysia is. This includes me of course, as the topic of this essay evidently proves.

Most of us might not have much to say about the melting of the ice caps, but many of us have plenty of opinions about the state of our nation, and more importantly, what we think the problems are.

All of which is fine. Except, if so many people know what the trouble with Malaysia is, then do we hate ourselves so much, or are we so helpless, that we choose not to do anything?

If we all know what the trouble with Malaysia is, and a big part of solving any problem is identifying the cause, then why are we still trapped?

And I, being Malaysian, am also subjected to the geographical need to conform.
Though, in the spirit of being a nationalist (wahahaha), I shall not conform too much.
Malaysia is fine. It's the people in it that I have problems with.

Things I Can't Stand :

one : 

a few years back, we started crowding the Arab restaurants at Jalan Damai for a good pot of shisha, a chilled bottle of Barbican and the random Shawirma every now and then.

it was crowded then too but every bit possible to get a table.

somehow, over time, it became infested.

uhuh, infested is apt here, i think.

Parking area with their "RM4 per entry" signs started propping up.

and perhaps, it had a lot to do with Hartamas Square closing down, but soon enough you see random guys chasing you after you have parked by the road side, demanding RM2, RM3 and then RM4.

seriously, who gave those guys the authority to rob people blind?

it's not as if they did anything much apart from waiting for someone to park, with a glisten in their eyes that seems to threaten you that your car will be violated with car-key-scratches unless you pay up.

it's gangsterisme in its worst form.

perhaps i should consider doing that for extra pocket money.

i could easily make thousands a day if i were to do that in the parking area in campus.

hmmm.

the only outcome i can predict is that either all the cars in UTP will sooner or later be scratched beyond recognition, or that it's my face that will end up with the scratches.

LOL

two :

remember the whole TV3 is secretly a Freemason/Illuminati organization hype a few weeks back over the Raya advertisement?

Over-speculation.

Some things are undeniable, sure.

But some things are also unnecessary.

Look. I can start one right now.

You know which other organization has Freemason-tendency?

PLUS.

Check out the triangle roof.

It's shaped like a pyramid.

It has an All-Seeing-Eye right dab in the middle of the triangle.

So that probably means that PLUS is under a Mason organization too, yes?

I mean, come on, do we have over-read everything .

We're meant to discover stuff, yes, but that is by doing a thorough research, not to get over-excited over a piece of the picture and dwelt on it without trying to discover the bigger picture.

now I'm not saying it's only Malaysians who over-speculate (of course, other people from other countries do it too link ) but our tendency to do so is shockingly obvious. And some even go to extreme lengths with extreme thoughts and extreme words.

It's a pity really.
And again, just as Mr. Brian Yap (he is the dude who starred in Muallaf and writes for KLUE btw. check this out to see the tribute piece he wrote for Yasmin Ahmad) suggests, I do not have the solution for this.

So yes, we are still trapped for the time being. Sigh.

i was going to go to bed but then i suddenly felt bad for abandoning my blog so i decided to ramble on about something even though i dont exactly have anything to say.

it was my birthday on the 19th.
being 22 was not much different than any other day.
well, except for the fact that i got a box of cuppacakes (all of them chocolate because they know that i dont really dig other flavours. thanks ami aisha dean terharu serious tak tipu!) and that it took me three whole days to thank everyone who wished me on facebook (i had to say thanks individually. doing it in bulk makes it seem impersonal. I memang OCD that way. abaikan)

ive kinda been on a TV-series frenzy for a few days now and im worried about my sanity. im scared that watching too much will make me question why people don't have anything sweet and poignant to say in real life.
it's sort of like that time in FRIENDS when Joey and Chandler got free porn and started questioning the fact that the delivery girl sent in pizza and left without stripping and seducing them.

I cant really afford being institutionalized by TV programmes, you know?
Hehh.

ive actually got plenty of things to ramble on about but i'm getting pretty restless. need to get to bed now.

bila takde stock mercun..

tahun ni supplier mercun tak balik kampung.
so instead of main mercun battery yang mcm mini-fireworks kat KLCC, The Curve time Merdeka and New Year,

tahun ni, i duduk depan pc,
main Spider Solitaire macam orang gila,
lepas tu excited sorang sorang each time menang and ada keluar fireworks kat screen.

Fuh.
best dowh raya ni.

Terima kasih Spider Solitaire.

Selamat Hari Raya! now lets go out and main mercun!

fuh fuh.
tiba tiba teringin nak conform dengan society.

I would like to publicize sesi pemohonan ampun maaf sempena Hari Raya.

I am, by nature, a loud person. To add to the damage, i am also (most of the time) incapable of watching the things i say. As a result, i might have unintentionally (and sometimes, bila tengah bad mood, intentionally) caused you to add your own dosa sebab marah/simpan dendam/maki maki dekat i due to sakit hati. Teramat amat lah sorry kalau ada such a case (which im pretty sure, ada).

And sometimes, the things that i do are incomprehensible to other (more) normal beings. I wont apologize for being myself and jumping up and down and kadang kadang tergelak extra kuat, but i will say sorry if you happen to be on the same table and malu due to my 'tak cover' behaviour.

I'm only human. I make mistakes. And sometimes i break hearts. Sometimes i provoke and instigate others. Sometimes i do impulsive things that may result in tragedies.

For all of that, saya susun sepuluh jari (i still do not understand the relevance behind this symbolism) and Minta maaf dari hujung rambut sampai hujung kaki. Halalkan makan minum i (or if you insist, claim la lepas i dapat duit raya ni).

Selamat Hari Raya.
Maaf Zahir. dan Batin (hanya kepada golongan golongan tertentu sahaja).

Dont indulge too much with raya food yaww! Jangan menyesal di kemudian hari!

Akhir kata, maju lah sukan untuk negara!

how do you expect me to respect you when you can't even respect yourself?

if it makes you happy parading your stupidity to the whole world as if it's something to be proud of, then go on, i can't stop you.

but that also means i can't respect you.

ahhhhh maybe we should all just leave you as you are. 

besides, you seem to enjoy playing the part of the imbecile in the glass. 

you seem to adore having people pass you by, pointing and sniggering.

if that's your choice, then so be it. 

but don't blame us if we get a kick out of pointing and laughing at you.

hey, it's only fair, no?

(lopsided grin)

ini semua gara gara baca perihal politik in the light of the celebration of Independence.

1. bilamasa fahaman dan ideologi terbit secara membabi buta, kesedaran patut ada bahawa we are treading on the wrong track. 

2. bilamasa ketidaksetujuan tidak lagi diiringi dengan rasa hormat, muncul lah golongan golongan lancang yang hanya mahu kan kemenangan, bukan lagi kebenaran.

3. bilamasa aku sudah bicara tentang perihal perihal yang randomly righteous, sudah pasti maksudnya telah sampai waktu untuk aku tidur lena.

:)

Independent enough ke nak celebrate Independence Day?

Early Disclaimer : Today is not Malaysia's birthday. It is just the 53rd anniversary of it's independence. Those are two very different things mmkay?

Beberapa calendar tahunan yang lepas, saya still semangat nak sambut Hari Merdeka. Masa tu, saya jakun lagi dengan fireworks yang buat saya rasa macam kat dalam Disney's animation, duduk santai layan asap tepi castle yang besar mcm Hogwarts. 

Tapi, then again, rasanya sampai mati pun tak hilang kot rasa jakun tu?

Unfortunately, ada incident yang buat saya turn off dengan mass Merdeka celebration. Masa tu kat The Curve. Ingat kan okay la, checkout fireworks 5 mins je pun from home. Tak payah la nak sesak sesak layan kaki cramp sebab tekan clutch byk sgt being stuck dalam traffic. Padahal kat Curve pun sama je. Nak cari parking dah dekat sejam. Dapat tengok fireworks 5, 6 minit je. Tak berbaloi langsung.

Tapi masa tu darah muda, hahah. Claustrophobic pun claustrophobic lah. Tak kisah la even though kena sesak nafas in the midst of orang orang hyper macam nak pergi reformasi. Tiba-tiba, ada a bunch of underaged kids sprayed snow in a can all over my face! Habis makeup rambut segala penat je duduk depan cermin lama lama nak set up, tapi last last kena spray. Ish.

Tapi, somehow, over the years saya dah notice how Merdeka has simply become an excuse for people to party without even knowing the real meaning of that celebration.

Bukannya nak jadi bitter (which actually means, memang bitter ni, tapi sikiiiit je la, tak la bitter sangat) tapi how do you expect me to be all hyped up pasal Independence Day when i am in no way independent. Tak langsung! Dalam apa apa aspek pun, im pretty much masih dijajah oleh pihak pihak lain.

Masih ada ikatan dengan Petronas yang bakal memakan masa yang lama.

Masih mengharap setiap minggu parents akan email cakap duit dah masuk kat Maybank account.

Masih layan EPL tiap tiap hari nak kena cukak Soccernet tapi local football scene tak nak ambik tahu langsung (one of these days, kena jugak tengok Selangor punya match dekat Stadium Shah Alam!).

Masih dikelilingi orang orang yang berfikir macam time nama Malaysia masih Tanah Melayu dulu.

Masih dikeliling mentaliti yang tak logik dan kurang berkembang.

Masih ada egoist egoist yang tak mahu terima pendapat orang lain.

Masih malas dan masih bertangguh.

Jadi, apa yang nak diraikan sekarang? Jadi, lebih baik layan hari ni macam hari yang lain lain kan?

Sebab memang tak ada bezanya.

:)

Selamat Hari Merdeka, Malaysia.

p/s : bulan dan bintang kat langit pun boleh tahan power lawa macam fireworks jugak. Cuma tak ada bunyi meletup je. :)

Hati yang agak fragile

Aku memang pelik sungguh dengan kamu.
Kamu cuma punya satu hati, bukan?
Bukan belasan mahupun puluhan?
Dan hati kamu, fragile bukan?
Sekali ku ambil, milik aku sampai bila pun.

Ya, mungkin akan ada yang lain menyusul selepas aku

Tapi yang kau mampu beri pada mereka cuma hati retak

Benar, bukan?

Jawablah sayang,

penat aku bertanya.

Jika benar kata aku,
   mengapa kamu hadiahkan aku hati kamu
   mengapa kamu biarkan aku tinggalkan tanda pada hati itu
dan tiba tiba, kamu menghilang diri.

Bila muncul semula,

kamu buat seolah-olah kita tak pernah punya kaitan

seolah-olah, pada satu masa, kau bukan penyelamat aku

dan aku bukan selimut kamu.

Cebis cebis hati kamu masih pada aku
Aku pelik sungguh,
tak mahu kah kamu tampal semula cebis-cebis yang aku genggam

Aku tak mampu faham

   agenda kamu yang sebenar

Atau mungkin aku salah faham perkataan 'istimewa'

Mungkin kame ada lebih satu hati, mungkin.

Atau mungkin kamu robot yang tak pentingkan rasa jiwa.

Aku masih rindu.

p/s : i found this written at the back of my Design of Steel & Prestressed Concrete exam paper from a long time ago. Cheers.

to : orang orang jauh

1.2.3.4.5.6

to 7 pretty pretty girls :

when we took the pictures, 

it was only to pass time and be a lil bit in love with ourselves

but that wasnt all we captured.

:)

here's to many many marvelous memories.

*clink*

banana split personality

saya baru baca blog Tidak Best (nama je Tidak Best, tapi best!) yang mengingatkan saya tentang perihal alter ego.

Baru malam semalam waktu otak berpinar pinar, saya terkenangkan alter ego saya sendiri.

Kelakar.

Rasa macam deja vu pun ada.

Eh. Takde kena mengena.

Saya rasa saya yang menulis dan saya yang bercakap adalah dua being yang lain.
Sesungguhnya lain.

Yang menulis ;

mungkin lebih matang
mungkin lebih bijak menilai keadaan
mungkin lebih faham tata manusia

Yang bercakap ;

masih rancak bergelak ketawa
masih hilang dipimpin rasa
masih terkedu masih ternganga

Saya yang ke kelas dan saya yang bermalas di atas katil adalah dua jiwa yang beza.

Sesungguhnya berbeza.

Adanya tembok di tengah.
Yang kiri itu malas,
Yang kanan rancak menari.

To those who only know me virtually ;

jangan terpedaya dengan manis kata

yang hakiki ini tidak lah segah mana.

p/s : sorry termerepek panjang lebar terikutkan perasaan. :)

im not a good storyteller

As much as you make me smile
As much as you are always by my side
As much as I cry on your bony shoulders
You may only exist in my fantasies

As much as your words become my conscience
As much longing as I feel for you
As much as I want to unravel you
You may only exist in my fantasies

Because, as of now, you are not real.
        Because, you and I, have never been real.

jots and sanity

Notice how i never write about anything remotely academic?

It is all because writing is my escape from anything Engineering related.

Imagine this.
The world gets terrorized by something viral and fatal, say the Anthrax. And everybody has to resort to hiding underground.

Now, writing about buildings and columns and beams and tension and offshore structures and steel properties and wave characteristics ;

writing about all those will be equivalent to bringing an envelope-full of Anthrax in the underground refuge.

I know how some people love dropping their intelligent jargons into writing. I dont fall under the same category.

Writing makes me forget about Physics.

It makes me feel like everything is possible.

I seek solace in writing, from the torments of questions with answers that go on for 20 pages.

It doesnt matter if academia kills me.
Writing will revive me.

think before you talk. google before you tweet. (Re: Salleh G. Samsa)

Human reflex and emotions have always been fascinating to me (though sometimes it baflles me more than it should).

If you observe enough, you can always differentiate those who take the time to think and those who uses their brain merely as an accessory. Academic intelligence have nothing to do with it. You either base your actions and conversations on your thoughts, or you dont.

We are a bunch of very angry species. And egoistic too. Come on, dont tell me you havent noticed?

For me, whenever anybody tells me something that i dont particularly agree with, something stirs inside of me, urging me to express my disagreeing thoughts. Now, im sure the same thing happens to a lot of you.

(Ke tak? Ke its just me?)

The thing is, how many of us stop to think before saying or doing anything? How many of us actually tries to consider what the other person is saying or doing before arguing rebuttals in reflex?

Phoebe Buffay once said to Ross Gellar (oh hello there fellow FRIENDS addict!)

Ok, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?

You know what got me thinking this far?
A few days back i came across a story of an unfortunate unbeliever who goes by the name Salleh Gregor Samsa.

This dude insulted the fact that he is forced to fast just because he was born Muslim. He also said a lot deal more but i wont be wasting my blog space to go on about it because that's not the point of my story. Nak tahu, pergi Google sendiri.

Anyway, this Salleh dude has provoked a lot of unnecessary wrath from Muslims, nationwide. Out comes the

ish murtad dah budak ni.

Hey Salleh! Kau ni confirm masuk neraka tahu tak?

Mak bapak kau tak ajar ke? Apasal bodoh bengap (include more cussings) sangat kau ni?

My point is, is this how we preach to unbelievers? Seriously? Orang tu dah la dah takde faith dekat religion and fellow believers. Is this seriously the way to make him change his mind? 

Try and google his name, tonnes of people are blogging about him (benci betul bila rasa macam i am conforming to a sick Malaysian pop-cultureish issue). Anyway, you can analyze sendiri the public's opinion on this dude.

Not really knowing why, (perhaps sebab terlebih banyak masa lapang or perhaps sebab memang i was born a busybody) i looked Salleh up and read his writings. Amongst many, i found one that i find intriguing.

Sebabnya, aku percaya, setiap manusia pun punya dosa dan jika manusia lain boleh dibiarkan hidup dengan gelumang dosa mereka, kenapa aku tak boleh?

Jadi, aku tak akan peduli jika aku dikatakan sedang hidup di dalam dosa yang akan membuatkan aku terbakar di api neraka nanti. Aku tak peduli, sebab aku tahu, pada masa tu, dia yang akan malu, sebab dia pun akan sama menyertai aku di dalam neraka. Dan, lebih ironi bila kami tinggal bersebelahan dan berkongsikan api neraka yang sama.

Jadi, jika manusia yang sedang berteriak kepada aku menidakkan keupayaan aku kepada pilihan aku sendiri, aku hanya akan berkata dan berharap untuk bertemu lagi dengannya, satu hari nanti di pintu neraka. Dan, aku yang akan bentangkan permaidani emas panas yang emasnya masih menggelegak pada kepanasan melampau yang tak pernah kita di bumi sekarang, rasakan. Dan, aku akan bayarkan kos meraikan kedatangannya di sana dengan limpahan kenikmatan yang dihinanya dulu, yang selalu dijadikan sebagai satu set pengukur yang membezakan antara jahat dan baik, hitam dan putih, bersih dan berdebu.

Before i continue, let me make it clear (sebab kadang kadang ada je golongan tak faham bahasa). I am NOT justifying or in any way agreeing to the points of Mr. Salleh. Tapi, you have to admit, it would suck if the scenario described above jadi betul betul kan?

Memang lah, as a Muslim, we have an obligation to tegur if we come across benda benda atau orang orang atau perilaku perilaku yang menghala ke arah kesesatan. But then again, are we doing it right?

I myself, honestly loathe it bila ada orang yang nak menegur, tapi bunyi teguran tu dah iras-iras bunyi insult dan cemuhan. Seriously beats the purpose. Intention tu dah baik dah, tapi methodology FAIL!

All i'm saying is (and ini juga peringatan untuk diri sendiri), sometimes you have to stop and think before you say anything. Even though you are right and the person is wrong, it doesnt mean you have the right to say 'haaaa! take that bitch! you were wrong! i told you so!' Itu memang clearly statement mintak pelempang.

Guna lah otak, The purpose of akal is so that you can think. Bila boleh fikir, takde lah buat statement statement inconsiderate yang bakal mengundang pelempang. Capisce? :)

Arsenal Vs. Liverpool

First game of the season, and already we were facing the losers of last season (or so i thought at the time).

The  first half was sloooooooowww.
Serious tak faham kenapa Arsenal players refused to run.

Sayang sayang sekelian, kalau setakat nak power walk, baik suruh Watson Nyambek je play for Arsenal.

Haaa, macam ni lah bila Fabregas takde,
semua kelam kabut tak tau which direction to head to.
This is the reason behind Wenger's insistence tak nak give in to Barca okaaay.

Tapi tak kisah lah, lari slow pun takpe, sayang still sayang jugak.

Even though I dengar plenty of voices (suara suara murtad) who claims nak give their loyalty to Blackpool after the game, Arsenal tetap di hati ku eceeeh.

ok siapa boleh teka apa tengah jadi ni? heheh

Koscielny, Chamakh and Wilshere made their debut semalam.

(who here thinks that Chamakh looks a bit like C. Ronaldo, angkat tangan!!)

I think it is due to the amount of newbies kot that they kind of fumbled on the field.

Jadi super geram bila ball possession was definitely monopolized by the Gunners, tapi tak boleh langsung nak penetrate Liverpool's defense.

OK lah, their defense was airtight, ill give them that.

Tapi, after Joe Cole got sent off (hehe) and dah down to 10 man pun, Arsenal still couldnt get the ball pass the goal line.

I loved it when they sent in Rosicky and Walcott. And when Persie came in, rasa macam ada newfound hope. As if, Wenger ada some kind of back-up plan, some secret weapon that i had no idea existed.

(hee. but then again, that was just me being melodramatic.)

orang handsome yang wouldve scored if it werent for Reina punya fingertips

Rosicky attempted a very dramatic and cantik shot, but Reina managed to stop the ball by a fraction.

At the time, i dah maki maki dah bising macammana lah Reina boleh on form gila pulak malam ni. Serious stress dengan Reina. (just take a look at my love-hate relationship with Almunia. memang bakar aa)

Tapi tapi tapi. Jeng jeng jeng. What came next got me laughing. Ta-da!

okay. ini Chamakh being violated by Reina. ngahahaha.

ok look closely

i said LOOK! ni dah slow motion habis dah ni.

aaaaaaaaaaaaanddddd... GOAL!!!!!!

Wahaahah. epic okay Reina!
serious boleh gang dengan Rob Green! LOL.

p/s : i read another review by Ms. Aisyah Ezral and loved it. Suka sangat sampai naik bulu roma satu badan baca. Hahahaha. Click HERE to read. 

Mister.

I have tried writing this down hundreds of time, 

but each attempt had miserably failed.

It was as if my feelings have completely left me

as if my words simply refused to leave the tip of my pen.

Each time i begin to pen my feelings down, 

something always holds a piece of my soul back,

forbidding me from pouring my emotions onto paper.

GuiltAffectionFearDenialAttraction.

I cant be sure which of these are holding me back. 

I am deeply sorry, but the internal turmoil is clouding my judgments. 

I am fairly confused myself.

For the umpteenth time, i shall try this again.

He was a boy.

But not just any boy.

He was a boy, whom, next to, made me feel like a girl. Like a lady.

He was nice.

A downright pleasing gentleman should the circumstance require him to be.

A decent guy though he was, every single inch of me screams out at the sight of him, calling his name, yearning for its namesake.

He was nothing like the perfect heroes in novels.

Much less like Prince Charming in fairytales.

He was much much better.

A boy that i am devastatedly infatuated with.

He caresses with the softest touch;

kisses with the softest lips;

and smiles as if he was hiding the most devious (but delicious!) secret.

Grins that taunt me with its mysteriousness that i shall never unravel.

Unpredictable but incredibly passionate.

My casa for comfort.

My spot for solace.

of friends

for months, i have been in deep denial of people leaving me behind.
the fact that everyone has moved on, leaving me one station behind, was not one that i would like to ponder on for too long.

back in school, to be honest, being a social butterfly was all i dreamed about.
having grown up (in other words, finally chucking that stupid ideology out of my head) i began to realize that im more of a closed-community kind of person.

dont get me wrong.
i would say hi to a lamppost if i passed one by on the street, but when it comes down to it, im most comfortable with specific sets of people.

ive seen people whose friends stab backs and causes problems that to me, are only relevant when related with 7 year olds. to tell you the truth, in my circle(s), such problems are practically nonexistant.

i choose to spend time with people who only gets my quirks and twists, people who knows my flaw but dont use it against me. you can say that i'm choosy when it comes to picking friends, but well, my choice has never backfired on me.

the people who has made my campus life bearable are now going places and getting on with life. our daily conversations will now only be a once-in-a-blue-moon catch-up sessions. and that kinda bums me out.

what are you gonna do about it though heh?

To everyone whom i have confided in, tell stupid anecdotes to, made fun of myself in front, You are life saviours.

And, well, in simple words, I Love You. :)

Random #2 : My Favourite Movie

Just like music, i find it hard to pick just one movie.
Senang cerita, two is always better than one (three four five apa lah lagi kan?)

oooh btw this reminds me of my 'Two Boyfriends Are Better Than One' top. ngahaha. mana baju tu hmmm?

back to what i was saying, movies. Hmmm. i have sooo many favourites la. how to pick just one?

I love most of Quentin Tarantino's work. Kill Bill, Pulp Fiction, Four Rooms, Reservoir Dogs, and obviously Inglourious Basterds (that goes without saying). Deathproof was okay i guess. I didnt like it as much as i liked the others. Tarantino has that special knack of creative directing. It's a challenge trying to figure out his hidden message.

Stanley Kubrick was also pretty good. I think Kubrick was a visionary of his time. Lolita was great (in a slightly disturbing manner, of course). So was Dr. Strangelove, A Clockwork Orange and Full Metal Jacket. Eyes Wide Shut too was eerily pointless.

I repeat watching romance movies like The Notebook and matter-of-fact stories like 500 Days of Summer. I adore musicals like Across The Universe and The Boat That Rocked. Rock N Roll Nerd has a collection of awesome songs. Same goes for Once.

And there are the odd ones like Monty Python and the Holy Grail, A Fish Called Wanda, Who Killed Gilbert Grape, Catch Me If You Can. Those are all brilliant movies. Some foreign ones are good too. Like, the French Love Me If You Dare and Le Fabeleux destin d'Amelie Poulain. Or the Japanese Departures. 

OF course, there are also some exceptional local movies from Allahyarhamah Yasmin Ahmad. I loved all of her movies. Rabun, Sepet, Gubra, Mukhsin, Talentime, Muallaf. She brings out real emotions from me.

Like I said, theres just too many to choose from. Im fickle that way, remember? Do you get me now when i tell you that i simply cant pick any certain one?

But suggesting good ones, THAT i can do. Try movies that were based on Chuck Palahniuk's books. Fight Club, Choke, disturbingly goood. And i heard that Invisible Monsters, Lullaby, Rant and Haunted will soon be made into movies too so that's bound to be explosive.

Cant wait cant wait. :)

books that kept me inside the room

 

Being stuck in the room is not so bad. Especially with these books by my bedside. 

I havent been able to write much these days. 

Takde inspiration sangat la. 

Ngaa. 

But wey hey! Maybe we should just wait for assignments to be piling up! Im sure by then i would have plenty to say. 

:)

Until then, toodles.

p/s : Amy, yes yes i know your book is still with me. Wait til i balik KL for buka puasa yeah? :) Love you bebeh!