Limbo

The more people expose themselves to someone, the more loyal they are to them.

That is why you should always put extra caution on who you expose your soul to - Because you will ultimately be bounded to this person in ways you dont even consciously realize, and it's mightily important that you do not give such amount of power to someone unworthy of it.

Mellow Monday

Whenever i reflect, i could always remember a time when i get really agitated because my patience was being tested.

Oh, the rush of youth!

Little did i know that i was required to wait for as long as i had to, simply because my youthful greed wouldnt have been able to handle the act of receiving anytime sooner.

The Wait had to be precisely that length to prepare me. Young souls can never truly appreciate that notion though. It has to be fast! It has to be right now, and not a minute later! And it has to be a lot Lot LOT!

Wrong.

Anything that does not happen gradually will give you shocks (and not the good ones, i might add). And anything that id not done in moderation will at some point over or underwhelm you.

So yes. That's our lesson for the day. That, and loving for the sake of the Creator means to love and act with grace rather than like a fanatic, urm, fan.

In Silence lies answers.

You keep a picture of them.
in your wallet, on your facebook profile.
some photo album or scrapbook, in some dusty box along with a couple of ticket stubs and homemade DIY cards.
and you tell yourself that it does not mean anything. Though we both know, it clearly does.

For a long time, they seemed intent to convince you that YOU are their turning point in life, and you are the fixture that keeps themselves grounded. that a scene without you in it, is not an ideal setting.

But somehow, now, they're off and away, and they seem okay.
Okay without their turning point, their fixture.
Without you.

And so, you keep remnants of them, of the you-that-used-to-be,
of past lives and never-would-be futures. And you tell yourself, it's not that you can't or won't let go.
It's not that at all.

You just can't be bothered to fuss over a stupid picture.
It's just a picture.
It's just facebook.
It's just something you keep in a box stashed deep under your bed.
You don't want to waste your time or energy having to get rid of that thing-that-doesnt-mean-anything.

But that's exactly why you should rid yourself off it!
It's kind of how it's like with doctors - no matter how obvious a death is, they still need to vocalize the words 'This patient is dead' to the family.

There's something about the physical act of acknowledging non-physical pain. Sometimes, you just need to state the obvious.

because sometimes, the blunt truth is what people need to hear in order to be able to register the fact;
to start mourning it, so they can eventually continue on with their life without the company (or even the idea) of this entity, and be completely okay.

There's ALWAYS a Reason.

There's always a reason.

If there's anything that my engineering education has taught me, it is this. Anything that moves will stay in its motion and direction until an external force is exerted on it, changing its course. This external force is the reason.

There's a reason why you got trapped in traffic with a friend whom you have a lot to catch up on.

There's a reason why randomly touching stranger's hair (even little girls') in an elevator is frowned upon by society (because it's weird).

There's a reason why some questions take a longer time to be answered than others.
There's a reason for lovers becoming strangers. And strangers becoming friends.

There's a reason for goodbyes. And a reason for hellos.

There's a reason why you need to get away.
And another for you to come back.

There's a reason why I wrote this.
And there's a reason why you're reading it.

There's always a reason.

Lunar Blues

The full moon is peeking at me from beneath the clouds - only showing glimpses at a time. 

It is as if the moon is not quite ready to share its greatness with me.

And so I lay sprawled on my back,
silently urging the moon to come out and show itself to me,
yearning for a little piece of magic. 

**

My Cookie Jar

My excited squeal resembled more of a 5 year old finally getting her small hand into a humongous cookie jar after weeks of eyeing said jar. Except that i'm not 5 and it wasn't the content of a cookie jar i was getting excited about!

The forecast predicted a thunderstorm.
In this day of tsunamis and hurricanes, that is not a prediction you would want to hear when you are heading to the beach.

Fortunately enough for us, Nature decided to pick our side and give the forecast a run for its money.
The sky was completely cloudless and the whole stretch of infinity was filled with scattered stars for as far as your eyes can take in.

"We're dancing beneath the stars!! I dont't care about the fact that I sound corny saying this! Hell man! We're dancing beneath the stars!!"

And my friends - they just beamed and nodded, because there wasn't much else to say to that.
:)

Take Me Away

I still can't quite believe that we're closing in on mid-November already.
In my head, it's still 2009, so each time the calendar reminds me that it's not, it usually leaves me a little dumbfounded (and I will put on my 'broken machine' act that involves having a monologue that goes along the "2012 is almost over. i can't believe this, i can't!" line being played on repeat in my head for a couple of seconds - sometimes, minutes).

I'll be leaving, in a day's time.
A much needed break, I think.
I'll come back (invigorated, I hope) and possibly continue fretting on and on about how fast time flies (Tch! As if people didn't already know!)

Yesterday, on the streets, i saw people holding hands and not holding hands,
People flicking cigarettes and pushing strollers.

But tomorrow,
tomorrow I will smell salt in the air,
and have sand grains in my hair.

Sun and Moon. Sand and Wave.

Everything in the world is of equal balance.
Every yin has a yang.
I believe this is important to ensure that the Universe is in equilibrium.

You know at which point a relationship becomes dissatisfying?
When it's unbalanced, that's when!
When you give one month's worth of sentiments in a two month's relationship.
THAT is when it will feel unworthy.

So now you have two options :
Give it all you've got and milk its worth for as long as it lasts
or
Cut your losses early - as soon as you feel like you have nothing more to give.
 - not a feel, not a care
Let it go.

Life is short.
Go for what you want. And go for what wants you.

We Loved With A Love That Was More Than Love

I love driving by myself at night, when the sky is pitch grey, and it feels like i'm floating in space.

There's nothing else.
There's only Quiet, the Night Sky, Light Speckles and THIS playing in the background :

The best thing about these drives on these nights is that you go places, you travel - both physically and of the mind.

On any particular night,
my trail of thoughts are bound to jump from one seed of theory onto another,
and it is not particularly necessary to have a hypothesis drawn from this random jumps. .
Not on nights like these, anyway.

Today, for no more reason other than me feeling like it, I'll let the virtual world take a peek into my trail of thoughts.

One time,

I thought that Love is not being with someone because you need them in your life. Love is wanting to be with someone even though you don't need them.
I truly, with all my heart, place my belief in that. 

After all, God is Almighty and Fair. 

If you were meant to fall in love and consequently, develop the need for this person to be around in order for you to be happy and vice versa, then whatever's gonna happen to one of you when the other person cease to exist?
No no no. That really can't be the conclusion. 

Life is supposed to be good, and a relationship with this other person just makes it even better. That's how it should be. It shouldn't have to mean being stripped off from your survival capability the very moment your partner is no longer part of the picture.

In another fragment of time,
I'll remember the words of Yasmin Mogahed, in an article called Nameless.

There's salvation in admitting defeat.
The peace of prostration.
Just stay still in that position,
With your head lowered.
Freeze.
Wait.
Stay humbled.
Wait.
Stay lowered. Until He raises you.  

They've searched the world
for what can be found in the quietest corners of a room.
They search a million words for what can only be found in silence.
They create a million names for the nameless.
For what can only be found in wordless thought.
Nameless states.  

Maybe I need to live between,
Between the words, the heart,
the space between earth and sky.  

Maybe I could live there.
In the space between knowledge and understanding.
Between love and letting go.
In the place where it stops hurting to be so far away.
In the nameless.

And then, jump, to another thought.

In explaining this particular thought, i will need to, once again, borrow the words of the more eloquent.

There are at least 2 types of love.  

There will be some people you love because of what you get from them :
 what they give you, the way they make you feel.
This is perhaps the majority of love - which is also what makes much of love so unstable.  

But, once in a while, people enter your life that you love - not for what they give you - but for what they are.
The beauty you see in them is a reflection of the Creator, so you love them.
Now, suddenly, it isn't about what you're getting, but rather what you can give.
This is unselfish love.
This second type of love is the most rare.
And if it is based in, and not competing with, the love of God, it will also bring about the most joy.  

To love in any other way is to need, to be dependent, to have expectations - all the ingredients for misery and disappointment. 

Pause.

Breathe.

There's so many things happening all at once, it sometimes gets a little overwhelming trying to make sense of them all.
An endless amount of 'figuring out' left to do.

But it's okay, because as of right now, the drive is over.
These trail of thoughts will be continued. Next drive, maybe.
On a similar night in the future :
Where there's only Quiet, the Night Sky, Light Speckles and THIS playing in the background :

xxx

Journeys and Destinations

I have loved quotes for about as long as I have learnt what the word 'quote' means..
Having put that in context, i shall start this post by quoting Pablo Neruda who wrote, amongst many others :

We, of that time, are no longer the same 

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her 

My voice tries to find the wind to touch her hearing 

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses. 

Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes. 

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her 

Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

(Pah. If i had a penny for each time i quoted Neruda!)

And today,

as I looked through (clicked on, more like) old pictures, I got to thinking that there should be a word for that feeling when you look at someone (or images of them) from the past and remembers a time when their built were yours to seek comfort in, and their cheeks were yours to pinch when you felt like it, and their hair were yours to tousle when you want it messy.

You remember this feeling, while at the same time, being fully aware that these are merely figments of your memories. That it is no longer applicable.
Yes, there should definitely be a word for that feeling.

Having said that, I shall place an interval of another quote right about here :

Remember, you are part of a beautiful story that did not start when you were born.
As your body cuts through the air, think of only the things that made you smile, the people that made you love, the ideas that made you strong.
Remember, those things will never happen again but they cannot unhappen.
Remember, what you felt can't ever be taken away.
Remember, you are part of a beautiful story that did not start when you were born.
And it will not end when you die.
Remember.

And so I have decided to go on retreats (not that I needed an excuse to want to go on retreats in the first place!) so i can remember and forget. So I can ask questions and receive answers. So I can get lost and be found.

I think it's gonna be a much needed break from monotony (look at that! now I'm a BFM marketer!).

After all, Terry Pratchett said

"Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving."

I have realized that the past and future are real illusions, that they exist in the present, which is what there is and all there is.

My eyes grew heavy, and my heart, even heavier.
The question in my head screamed for an answer. An answer that my heart couldn't give.
Because it wasnt a series of whys and hows. It was a series of whens and whos.
And those answers were never mine to be given out, anyway.
It belongs to Time and are only answerable with time.

In, the meantime,
I have found that the temporary-cure lies in moments.

That moment in between a hectic workday, where you sit with a friend, next to a commercialized lake in a commercialized bit of town, basking in the Surrogate Nature that lies in front of you, in all its polluted glory, breathing in polluted air. And you talk about complete nonsense. You debate about favourite animals actually being the form that you see yourself projecting to the world. For 15 minutes. Maybe 20. 30, if you're lucky. And then you go back to your hectic workday, feeling slightly okay with the routine that followed a wholesome break.

That moment at the end of the day, when you are simply brimming with discoveries, with stories, with realizations - and you took all of that, to meet your favourite person. And you sit on cushy sofas with  your feet up, recounting bits and details. And as you came to the Conclusion of the Day, you realized that this moment was just like the favourite animal conversation you had the other day.

That moment when you take a day off and spend it lazing idly by the roadside, with sunshine gazing directly at you, The XX and Jack Johnson playing in the background, chasing cars that rushed by with your eyes. And you realize that most days, you are one of those cars - chasing appointments and other people. But today is not most days. Today, you are allowed to bask under the sun, not worrying and not caring.

Find these moments.
Revel in it.

What Ive Collected Over 23 Years.

As far as i'm concerned, this has been the fastest-passing year that I've ever experienced in my 23 years of life. So much has happened, so many things have changed, I dont even know where to start. But let me just try with this.

- For every one thing that you are unhappy with, there are a couple of other things that you can be grateful for.

In the past year, I have survived the heartbreak that comes along with the end of a quasi long term relationship. In the same year, I was also shown that THAT heartbreak passes. And if despite all that has happened, i can find a way to be happy and okay again, then i will always be able to make a point to choose to be happy rather than glum, no matter what happens.

In the past year, I have sat in circles (of friends, with friends), singing and talking (about nothing, everything and anything in between). I have loved and felt loved. I have read and written. I have smiled, and more importantly, I laughed : a lot, uncontrollably, with weird facial expressions, at places i shouldn't have been laughing.

And these made me realize that I had people around me -
to sing with
to talk with
to love
to read to
to write about
to smile at, and,
to laugh at/with.

In the past year, I have learnt not to ignore the voices in my head. They might sound like nutcases most of the time, but those nutcases know what they're talking about man!

In the past year, i was taught about Acceptance. Just because you don't understand something, it doesn't mean that it wasn't the best thing that should happen to you.

In the past year, i found out the importance of being graceful when you receive something. Be it a good or a bad something. And even more so when you give something. Give sincerely, receive gracefully (and graciously)!

My goodness, just listen to the tone of this blogpost! The year has certainly taught me how to be a granny! It's just gonna sound draggy, whatever I write beyond this point. So i'm gonna stop now.

24, bring it on.

LookSee

You say you want to learn -

So, learn. 

Learn. and Travel.

Some people are sometimes your home, or destination.

With some, when you let your thoughts interlace with theirs, it would somehow be like you've known this person your entire life. You understand every nuance that crosses their minds. You can read them like you can a book.

However, with some other, as you connect to them, you realize that this is a person that would require you to try hard to discover and to uncover them, but somehow, you know you want to be spending the rest of your days (and most possibly, nights) continuing to discover and uncover them.

So Travel. and Explore.

R. L Stevenson said : and the best that we find in our travels is an honest friend. He is a fortunate voyager who finds many. We travel, indeed, to find them. They are the end and the reward of life. They keep us worthy of ourselves; and when we are alone, we are only nearer to the absent.

And if along your journey, you find someone you can respect and trust (and if you truly believe that there's something about them that can make you continue to respect and trust them, until the end of time), stretch your hand out as far as it can be stretched, find a way to pull this someone close to you, and whatever you do, never let a false sense of security trick you into not appreciating this person.

This lady is a genius!

Instead of Mom,
she's gonna call me Point B
because that way she knows that no matter what happens
at least she can find her way to me

and i'm gonna paint the solar system at the back of her hands
so that she has to learn the entire universe
before she can say
'oh i know that like the back of my hand'

she's gonna learn that this life, will hit you,
HARD
in the face
wait for you to get back up
so it can kick you in the stomach
but getting the wind knocked out of you
is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air

there's hurt, here,
that cannot be fixed by band aid or poetry
so that the first time she realizes that Wonder Woman isn't coming
i'll make sure she knows that she doesnt have to wear the cape all by herself
cause no matter how wide you stretch your fingers
your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal
believe me!
ive tried!

and 'Baby,' ill tell her
'dont keep your nose up in the air like that
i know that trick
you're just smelling for smoke
so you can follow the trail back to a burning house
so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire
to see if you can save him
or else find the boy who lit the fire in the first place
to see if you can change him'
but i know that she will anyway

so instead i will always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rainboots nearby
because there's no heartbreak that chocolate cant fix
- Okay, there's a few heartbreaks that chocolate cant fix
but that's what the rainboots are for
because rain will wash away everything if you let it

i want her to see the world through the underside of a glass bottom boat
to look through a magnifying glass of the galaxies that exist on the pinpoint of a human mind
because that's the way my mom taught me
that there'll be days like these
when you open your hands to catch
and wind up with only blisters and bruises
when you step out of the phone booth and try to fly
and the very people you wanna save are the ones standing on your cape
when your boots are filled with rain and you're up to your knees in disappointment
and those are the very days you have all the more reason to say Thank You
cause there's nothing more beautiful
than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline no matter how many times it is sent away

you will put the win in 'Win some, lose some'
and you will put the star in 'starting over, and over, and over'
no matter how many land mines erupt
be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called Life

and yes, on a scale from 1 to Overtrusting,
i am pretty fucking naive
but i want her to know that this world is made out of sugar
it can crumble so easily but dont be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it

'Baby,' ill tell her
'remember, your mama is a worrier
but your papa is a warrior
and you are the girl with small hands and big eyes
who never stops asking for more

remember that good things come in threes
and so do bad things
and always apologize when you've done something wrong
but dont you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining

your voice is small
but dont ever stop singing
and when they finally hand you heartbreak
slip Hatred and War under your doorstep
and hand you handout on the streetcorners of Cynism and Defeat
you tell them
they really oughta meet your mother!'

of nothing and everything

I had a great weekend.

(Disclaimer : This post will not venture into lists of all the awesome food I ate and the mundane things I did described in details. Oh wait. Actually, it will!)

I saw the faces that I love,
and I spent hours conversing about existentialism,
about friendship,
of limits and boundaries,
and of course, about love (and non-love and dislove and unlove).

We stayed in bed until the mornings gave way to the noons.
We sat on the porch,
We played silly boardgames while eating goreng pisang and keropok lekor in our kaftans and jammies.

With the phone left uncharged and dead, i had uninterrupted non-virtual interactions for the whole span of the weekend. Based on the experience, i am reminded of something i once read, and can conclude that the writer knew what they were talking about :

"I want raging nights : dark and wild, lit only by the city, bonfires & cigarettes.
 I want sun kissed mornings : breezy and free, interrupted only by the voice of lovers and friends."