Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Suffering from Quarter Life Crisis

and thus i think im going to be on hiatus for a while.

ive never in my life felt this way.
macam rasa theres a constant chest pain (yang kalau umur saya 56 tahun saya dah pergi checkup dah, kot kot symptom heart attack) and completely alone and tak tahu what i can do to fix things.

People tell me theyll be there for me,
and that theyll support me.
Tapi it doesnt make any difference.

And tak membantu lah kan, the fact that ive never in my life felt this way.
Im hoping by writing this down, it will take some of the burden off my chest.
Tapi mungkin this time i cant expect an easy way out.

Saya rasa saya tengah experience Quarter Life Crisis.
Umur saya sekarang ada lah dua dekad terlebih sikit.
Patutnya lagi 3 tahun baru qualify nak kena Quarter Life Crisis.
Dammit, premature symptom pulak.

I came across this kat my Standard 6 bestfriend punya blog.
And for reason yang tak tahu apa, i need to spread the disease.

Symptoms of Quarter Life Crisis:

1. It's an end to your peer pressure era and you stop trying to fit in and tiba tiba you get all these new revelations about yourself. Yang tak best nya, you wont necessarily like what you discover about yourself. Macam ini contoh dia :

yess. ada orang tanya i ni kat formspring. woot woot.

2. You start fretting about what your life is gonna be like in a year or two. Lepas tu cuak extra lagi because you're going crazy about the near future, padahal you dont even know where you are right now. Macam, sekarang pun tak berapa nak berpijak di bumi yang nyata (wah wah) lagi nak fikir what will happen lagi setahun dua.

A few while back, i thought i had everything figured out. Nak beli duplex sendiri, nak tukar kereta, and then get married with someone i can lie in bed with and cerita drama hidup hari ini and attempt to make babies everyday just because it's legal dah.

Tapi tiba tiba sekarang semua priorities dah tunggang terbalik. I dont even know mana atas mana bawah.

3. You either :
- get your heart broken and tak faham how someone you love could crush you to pieces
- wonder why you can't meet somebody decent
- love someone but yet have feelings for someone else too and mcm 'shitt, why am i doing this? this is breaking the rules but yet i know aku takde la jahat'

soalan paling susah dalam dunia yang tak ada jawapan

4. You are either studying or doing something that is not even close to what you thought you would be doing. And you realize that when you start working, you'd have to begin from the bottom and it scares you.

OK. Pengakuan honest. I memang bahlol Physics. Serious jangan cakap dengan i pasal moment of inertia atau pun normal force and tension of a concrete pile. Memang satu hari aku garu kepala tak boleh nak jawab.

Yet, here i am, doing Civil Engineering and majoring in Offshore (i dont even like laut all that much!!!)

and this is how much i hate being stuck in my current position

5. Thank god, at this stage, people become more opinionated. Nak tahu tak, back in high school, i was someone who didnt have my own opinion. Macam loser gila okay. Kejap orang ni cakap Britney Spears cool, aku pun agree. Esok orang lain cakap Britney loser gila, pun agree jugak. Wahahaha.

And it's in this stage jugak, that you start to notice how people around you act and the reasons behind their actions. Boleh la kot kalau nak ckp that you become more judgmental. But not necessarily in a bad way.

And time ni lah, one minute you insecure, then the next rasa macam secure gila. You feel alone and scared and confused (which based on what im feeling now, is NOT a good combo, percaya lah). Change, at this point, macam raksasa jahat dalam cerita Ultraman. You want to avoid it selagi yang boleh, sebab you have this feeling that if you have to confront Change, it's gonna pijak u sampai lenyek boleh buat cekodok.

6. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

Ada satu phase in your life, you tend to get enthralled by semua new things that you baru discover, tapi sooner or later you'll realize that that was all it was. A phase. And you tend to want to snap out of it. Kalau ada yang masih tak nak snap out of it, maknanya they are just orang tua yang bajet muda. Atau worse still, culture shock tak hengat. Pfft.

I actually know this bunch of 28 year olds yang kalau duduk dekat mamak 5 jam, the whole 5 hours tu they wont stop talking about clubbing and drinking and hooking up with random guys. It's like, hello, cant we talk about something else? Penat gila aku nak dengar korang cerita benda sama 5 jam!

7. And it is now that you can't seem to make a decision. Semua benda confusing. Do i do this? Or would that option be better? And these questions seem to be stuck on a loop dalam kepala and yes, kawan kawan you lah yang penat nak dengar hikayat masalah you because you just cant stop talking about it. and tak dapat solution jugak.

8. You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

Ini sangat betul sebab saya sendiri pun tengah ternganga trying to figure all this out. And i wish there is an easy way out tapi i guess God just wants us to go through this for some reason.

OK. Time untuk konklusi. Are you suffering from Quarter Life Crisis?
Cuz i sure as hell am.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Hantaran Sedulang Hati untuk Puteri Rambut Sedap Part Two

Mereka semua sudah pesan,
jangan buat kerja gila.
Fikir sebelum cakap
(google before you tweet, bak kata versi modern).
Nanti hati carik sebelah, kata mereka.

Tapi aku memang degil.

Haaa, sekarang kan dah dapat padah nya.
Hey! Gembira tak bergelumang dengan darah sendiri?
Puteri Rambut Sedap girang gembira dengan hantaran yang kamu bagi?
*ketawa sinis*

Sudah sudah lah
Ini memang tawar,
tapi telan saja lah.
Sama ada kamu telan, atau korban kan sanity kamu.

Ini gambaran Puteri Rambut Sedap dalam kotak kepala.

(Ini Elina dalam ANTM Cycle 11)
(Hari ini pelukis graphic cuti bersunat, tak dapat nak hasilkan gambar untuk kisah dongeng ini)

Birmingham Blues

benci game ini.

i hated the fact that :

-our first goal was not considered
-they kept doing that last minute goal thing. haa kan dah backfire hari ni
-Vermaelen couldnt do shit to help
-it took Arsenal so long to penetrate Birmingham's defense
-there were so many drama queens on the field today
-the split screen kept on coming up, bragging about Chelsea's goal after goal
-MU won 4 nil against Bolton when we only won 4-2

and last but not least,

-my teh ais was so manis it felt like i was drinking a can of susu pekat manis F&N.


Saturday, March 27, 2010


nama saya ghani.


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Bak Datang Soalan Cepumas

for the benefit of people out there,
who dont know me (but like to pretend that they do),
and listen to crazy stories about me and believe it wholeheartedly
and for no solid reason,
passes on the story as if it's theirs,

i am being nice and offering you a chance to ask me questions directly.
get your stories straight, darling.
ask me and i will try to answer them
(provided that the question was not asked dengan intention jawapannya boleh digunakan sebagai sumber bahan lancap)

yes yes,
saya jawab sendiri
(because i belum cukup glamour nak hire personal assistant).


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

dj HitzFM kata gloat tu bagus!

kata salah seorang DJ Hitz FM pagi semalam :
gloating is the best part of winning.
(sempena kemenangan Man Utd over Liverpool)

but dont you think that that is mere bullshit?
(MU fan memang suka biat statement bullshit, offence intended)

If we gloat,
dan nak hebahkan our success,
does it not cancel out the victory itself?

p/s : Arsenal pun menang jugak.
pp/s : Ini bukan gloating.

Sekian terima kasih.

Monday, March 22, 2010

reading is better than sex.

i dont know about you guys, but reading is my escape from reality.

seronok kot.
for a few short hours, you dont have to think about your breakup.
you dont have to be reminded of the fact that 'Oh shit! duit dah habis!'
you dont have to constantly think about engineering subjects yang buat you rasa mcm nak tampar muka sendiri sampai you hear ringing in your ears.

you dont have to think about the weight you couldnt lose
or the fact that kereta kau dah 3 minggu takde minyak
or having friends who backstab you
or (sila include your daily worries here, penat la semua i nak buat kan. hehe)

semua benda boleh tolak ke tepi.

for that few short hours,
you can be both princess and pauper.
you can travel back in time and talk to Einstein about theories and philosophy.
you can be a team of angel and devil on the way to plan Armageddon.
you can be contestant in an Indian reality show.
you can have wild romping sex on top of a roof.
you can live in magical lands where rabbits talk.

eh banyak lah you can do.

and you know what they say, theres no image better than the ones that you let your imagination paint for you.
that is why, movies based on books sentiasa sentiasa kena kutuk dengan readers.
because what they present is rarely better than the depiction that we already have in our minds.

disebab kan kecintaan terhadap buku yang teramat sangat,
i think im gonna start a book blog.
buat review buku buku yang dah baca.
(ha tasha, engkau bab bab mcm ni memang rajin kan? assignment Steel dah buat?)

on a totally serious note,
if you have any mind-boggling problems,
instead of finding the nearest bangunan tinggi to jump off from,
cuba baca buku instead
(dalam masa masa suicidal, saya syor kan baca Al-Quran)

it helps, really.


ini cuma intuisi aku,
bukan betul-betul.
kamu semua, memang dodgy.
tapi, ini cuma intuisi aku.

dengan cakap cakap sampah kamu
yang diselangi dabikan dada
oh kamu ada skyline? (ini sudah jadi tagline kamu, bukan?)
tapi aku cuma pernah lihat kamu ditemani motor cabuk saja.

oh duit kamu berkepuk kepuk
oh kawan kamu semua gangster jalanan berpistol
aku tak peduli semua itu
yang aku lihat, cuma habuk dan kata kata gebang
tak boleh dipakai.

tapi, ini kan cuma intuisi aku
intuisi yang membuat kamu semua begitu repulsif di mata aku.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Arsenal oh Arsenal!

Yesterday i bumped into Timmy at the local mamak and he asked me why i havent been updating much on Arsenal .

Honestly, i think it has a lot to do with our horrific loss over Manchester United and Chelsea.
Nak bangga menang dengan Liverpool pun tak boleh, i mean, siapa tak menang over Liverpool kan? *sly grin*

But yeah, i think i lost my momentum because it wasnt like it's enough that your own team disappoints you, your friends would have to join in and make you feel like stuffing a cigarette box of 20 for mocking The Gunners as well.

Nak dengar cerita?

During the match with MU, i was rushing to catch the game, tapi sebab game start pukul 12 and i only left KL around 1145 or so, terpaksa la dengar BFM punya live commentary (which totally sucked by the way, sebab tak dapat tgk apa jadi and terpaksa rely on the commentator, tapi commentator biased towards MU teramat la sangat nya. menyampah!).

I seriously drove laju gila tak agak agak (kalau dapat saman speedtrap lepas ni, sorry Papa, tak sengaja. heheh) just so i'd get to watch sikiiiiiit hujung hujung game tu pun jadi lah.

And i made it on time. Pecah record drive from KL to Perak tak sampai 2 jam. Dapat la tengok the last 15 minutes of the game.

Now, dah la i sampai dah memang nampak takde harapan nak menang. And when the game was over, my fear was proven. Kalah memalukan. Anyway, as if that was not enough, Mok (who, yes, knowing my luck had to be an MU supporter) who was sitting right next to me, boleh pulak hantar SMS membakar dan menggelakkan kekalahan.

Not one SMS. Not two. Not even three. He sent FOUR.

AND I WAS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO HIM! Mulut dia tengah bergerak lagi kutuk Arsenal, and at the same time message terus masuk dalam phone, also from Mok, also kutuk Arsenal.

Baik kan kawan kawan i? :)

And dont get me started on the Chelsea game. Dah dah malas nak cakap.
So, yeah, that's my excuse.

But i guess since we've won 5-0 over Porto, and since we're back on the running to win the title, I'm sort of getting my mood back.

I mean, our chance is just as good as Chelsea and MU i think. Out of the 9 games, we just have to make sure that we win one game extra dari MU. And for Chelsea to, i dont know, drop dead. Hahaha.

Tapi, i think it's not that bad lah. Out of the 9, yang paling menggerunkan pun would be Manchester City, other than that, boleh menang kot (ok, i hope i tak jinx it by saying it. hehe).

MU still has to face Chelsea (i dont know who i'd rather have lose. It's really a tough decision).

Look at it this way, after the Burnley fiasco, pundits and critics and even some fans were bashing Bendtner. And he rose from the ashes (cehceh macam phoenix pulak) and did well in the Porto game.

Mana la tau, after this people will start picking on Diaby ke, tiba tiba ambik kau, 15 goal terus. Heheh. Well, it's not wrong to dream kan? :P

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


ina told me that people share their food for a reason.

"you ingat orang baik hati sangat ke, generous sangat ke nak share their food suka suka? no. it's for a good reason. we get fat, we get fat together!"

buat apa nak get fat sorang sorang?
kan misery loves company.

yeah! gagasan gemuk berkumpulan!
woot woot!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

im seeing purple canopies and white bouquets!

my baby is getting married in december!
and i shall be tukang kipas!

im hyperventilating sebab excited sangat!

ever since i promised you my heart and my soul some 9 years ago,
ive been looking forward to this day where you shall be happy with the man of your dreams,
and i will be a (huge) part of that union day.

seems like, after years of talking about this boy that broke hearts, and that boy who's an eye candy, you found your happily-ever-after, after all.
(now its time for us to find one for me jugak! hehe)

Mizah and I will go all Monica, trying to set up THE dream wedding.
(jangan risau sebab we will instill fragments of OUR dream wedding in yours)
and dont worry, no air sirap will be involved.
(for fear of Jamal making stupid statements kat wedding sendiri).

bottom line dia :
aku excited gila sekarang nak design baju bridesmaid. heheh. i love you Fizah!

loads and loads of love,

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


i have wondered, why i am the way i am.
macam, ish tasha, apahal rebellious gila ni?

and today, with the help of a teh tarik in hand, and my roommate next to me,
i think i cracked the mystery.

i despise the mentality of most of the people around me
(oh, not my friends of course. i dont hang out with close minded people. sorry, but that's a fact)
i dont like the fact that most Meleis (thank you Encik Effi Nazrel for teaching me this appropriate term) are so frigid.

They are scared to venture out of their comfort zone,
and instead of exploring the world out there, they criticize and condemn people who doesnt live and think the way they do.

Ive had the argument about New Economy Policy one too many times before. I get it that it is there to look after the Malay rights. But i still think it's unfair that a lot of individuals miss out on so many opportunities simply because they weren't born Malay.

I think by hanging on to the NEP, it's just making us more lazy. Well, nak study susah susah sangat kenapa? Dapat 5C pun boleh masuk UITM jugak. It never occurs to Meleis ke, that it's unfair for people of other races yg dapat 10A and has to struggle because there is a quota working against them?

What is race anyway? A difference in skin colour and kesepetan mata?

There are just too many factors that i could list down, tapi malas sebab nanti panjang sangat entry ni.

I remembered hanging out with my French friends. And the topic of homosexuality came up. One of them told me that ever since she came to Malaysia, it's the first time that the topic came up for discussion. She asked me why was the topic so taboo in Malaysia (it might not be so, but here in Tronoh, amongst the Meleis, it is kinda super taboo).

And i dont think that there's anything wrong about discussing things as such. I mean, it's not exactly the equivalent of having an orgy in a public place now, is it? What's so wrong about talking pasal things that are happening to the world, to the community?

But, instead of talking about things yang membuka minda like the ideology of the Nazis, or the fact that they mutilize women's genitals in Africa, or terrorism in general, im hearing talks of Fasha Sandha and her latest scandal, of some unknown yoohoo who dumped his gf and went out with this other girl.

In other words, gossip. Oh yes, Meleis love to gossip. Ntah apa yang best ntah have a lengthy discussion about other people's love life ntah.

And that is why i refuse to succumb to this massive conformation. That is why aku hentam keromo je buat semua benda.

Sekian, terima kasih.

*bows to crowd*