Journeys and Destinations

I have loved quotes for about as long as I have learnt what the word 'quote' means..
Having put that in context, i shall start this post by quoting Pablo Neruda who wrote, amongst many others :

We, of that time, are no longer the same 

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her 

My voice tries to find the wind to touch her hearing 

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses. 

Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes. 

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her 

Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

(Pah. If i had a penny for each time i quoted Neruda!)

And today,

as I looked through (clicked on, more like) old pictures, I got to thinking that there should be a word for that feeling when you look at someone (or images of them) from the past and remembers a time when their built were yours to seek comfort in, and their cheeks were yours to pinch when you felt like it, and their hair were yours to tousle when you want it messy.

You remember this feeling, while at the same time, being fully aware that these are merely figments of your memories. That it is no longer applicable.
Yes, there should definitely be a word for that feeling.

Having said that, I shall place an interval of another quote right about here :

Remember, you are part of a beautiful story that did not start when you were born.
As your body cuts through the air, think of only the things that made you smile, the people that made you love, the ideas that made you strong.
Remember, those things will never happen again but they cannot unhappen.
Remember, what you felt can't ever be taken away.
Remember, you are part of a beautiful story that did not start when you were born.
And it will not end when you die.
Remember.

And so I have decided to go on retreats (not that I needed an excuse to want to go on retreats in the first place!) so i can remember and forget. So I can ask questions and receive answers. So I can get lost and be found.

I think it's gonna be a much needed break from monotony (look at that! now I'm a BFM marketer!).

After all, Terry Pratchett said

"Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving."

I have realized that the past and future are real illusions, that they exist in the present, which is what there is and all there is.

My eyes grew heavy, and my heart, even heavier.
The question in my head screamed for an answer. An answer that my heart couldn't give.
Because it wasnt a series of whys and hows. It was a series of whens and whos.
And those answers were never mine to be given out, anyway.
It belongs to Time and are only answerable with time.

In, the meantime,
I have found that the temporary-cure lies in moments.

That moment in between a hectic workday, where you sit with a friend, next to a commercialized lake in a commercialized bit of town, basking in the Surrogate Nature that lies in front of you, in all its polluted glory, breathing in polluted air. And you talk about complete nonsense. You debate about favourite animals actually being the form that you see yourself projecting to the world. For 15 minutes. Maybe 20. 30, if you're lucky. And then you go back to your hectic workday, feeling slightly okay with the routine that followed a wholesome break.

That moment at the end of the day, when you are simply brimming with discoveries, with stories, with realizations - and you took all of that, to meet your favourite person. And you sit on cushy sofas with  your feet up, recounting bits and details. And as you came to the Conclusion of the Day, you realized that this moment was just like the favourite animal conversation you had the other day.

That moment when you take a day off and spend it lazing idly by the roadside, with sunshine gazing directly at you, The XX and Jack Johnson playing in the background, chasing cars that rushed by with your eyes. And you realize that most days, you are one of those cars - chasing appointments and other people. But today is not most days. Today, you are allowed to bask under the sun, not worrying and not caring.

Find these moments.
Revel in it.

What Ive Collected Over 23 Years.

As far as i'm concerned, this has been the fastest-passing year that I've ever experienced in my 23 years of life. So much has happened, so many things have changed, I dont even know where to start. But let me just try with this.

- For every one thing that you are unhappy with, there are a couple of other things that you can be grateful for.

In the past year, I have survived the heartbreak that comes along with the end of a quasi long term relationship. In the same year, I was also shown that THAT heartbreak passes. And if despite all that has happened, i can find a way to be happy and okay again, then i will always be able to make a point to choose to be happy rather than glum, no matter what happens.

In the past year, I have sat in circles (of friends, with friends), singing and talking (about nothing, everything and anything in between). I have loved and felt loved. I have read and written. I have smiled, and more importantly, I laughed : a lot, uncontrollably, with weird facial expressions, at places i shouldn't have been laughing.

And these made me realize that I had people around me -
to sing with
to talk with
to love
to read to
to write about
to smile at, and,
to laugh at/with.

In the past year, I have learnt not to ignore the voices in my head. They might sound like nutcases most of the time, but those nutcases know what they're talking about man!

In the past year, i was taught about Acceptance. Just because you don't understand something, it doesn't mean that it wasn't the best thing that should happen to you.

In the past year, i found out the importance of being graceful when you receive something. Be it a good or a bad something. And even more so when you give something. Give sincerely, receive gracefully (and graciously)!

My goodness, just listen to the tone of this blogpost! The year has certainly taught me how to be a granny! It's just gonna sound draggy, whatever I write beyond this point. So i'm gonna stop now.

24, bring it on.

LookSee

You say you want to learn -

So, learn. 

Learn. and Travel.

Some people are sometimes your home, or destination.

With some, when you let your thoughts interlace with theirs, it would somehow be like you've known this person your entire life. You understand every nuance that crosses their minds. You can read them like you can a book.

However, with some other, as you connect to them, you realize that this is a person that would require you to try hard to discover and to uncover them, but somehow, you know you want to be spending the rest of your days (and most possibly, nights) continuing to discover and uncover them.

So Travel. and Explore.

R. L Stevenson said : and the best that we find in our travels is an honest friend. He is a fortunate voyager who finds many. We travel, indeed, to find them. They are the end and the reward of life. They keep us worthy of ourselves; and when we are alone, we are only nearer to the absent.

And if along your journey, you find someone you can respect and trust (and if you truly believe that there's something about them that can make you continue to respect and trust them, until the end of time), stretch your hand out as far as it can be stretched, find a way to pull this someone close to you, and whatever you do, never let a false sense of security trick you into not appreciating this person.

This lady is a genius!

Instead of Mom,
she's gonna call me Point B
because that way she knows that no matter what happens
at least she can find her way to me

and i'm gonna paint the solar system at the back of her hands
so that she has to learn the entire universe
before she can say
'oh i know that like the back of my hand'

she's gonna learn that this life, will hit you,
HARD
in the face
wait for you to get back up
so it can kick you in the stomach
but getting the wind knocked out of you
is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air

there's hurt, here,
that cannot be fixed by band aid or poetry
so that the first time she realizes that Wonder Woman isn't coming
i'll make sure she knows that she doesnt have to wear the cape all by herself
cause no matter how wide you stretch your fingers
your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal
believe me!
ive tried!

and 'Baby,' ill tell her
'dont keep your nose up in the air like that
i know that trick
you're just smelling for smoke
so you can follow the trail back to a burning house
so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire
to see if you can save him
or else find the boy who lit the fire in the first place
to see if you can change him'
but i know that she will anyway

so instead i will always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rainboots nearby
because there's no heartbreak that chocolate cant fix
- Okay, there's a few heartbreaks that chocolate cant fix
but that's what the rainboots are for
because rain will wash away everything if you let it

i want her to see the world through the underside of a glass bottom boat
to look through a magnifying glass of the galaxies that exist on the pinpoint of a human mind
because that's the way my mom taught me
that there'll be days like these
when you open your hands to catch
and wind up with only blisters and bruises
when you step out of the phone booth and try to fly
and the very people you wanna save are the ones standing on your cape
when your boots are filled with rain and you're up to your knees in disappointment
and those are the very days you have all the more reason to say Thank You
cause there's nothing more beautiful
than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline no matter how many times it is sent away

you will put the win in 'Win some, lose some'
and you will put the star in 'starting over, and over, and over'
no matter how many land mines erupt
be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called Life

and yes, on a scale from 1 to Overtrusting,
i am pretty fucking naive
but i want her to know that this world is made out of sugar
it can crumble so easily but dont be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it

'Baby,' ill tell her
'remember, your mama is a worrier
but your papa is a warrior
and you are the girl with small hands and big eyes
who never stops asking for more

remember that good things come in threes
and so do bad things
and always apologize when you've done something wrong
but dont you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining

your voice is small
but dont ever stop singing
and when they finally hand you heartbreak
slip Hatred and War under your doorstep
and hand you handout on the streetcorners of Cynism and Defeat
you tell them
they really oughta meet your mother!'

of nothing and everything

I had a great weekend.

(Disclaimer : This post will not venture into lists of all the awesome food I ate and the mundane things I did described in details. Oh wait. Actually, it will!)

I saw the faces that I love,
and I spent hours conversing about existentialism,
about friendship,
of limits and boundaries,
and of course, about love (and non-love and dislove and unlove).

We stayed in bed until the mornings gave way to the noons.
We sat on the porch,
We played silly boardgames while eating goreng pisang and keropok lekor in our kaftans and jammies.

With the phone left uncharged and dead, i had uninterrupted non-virtual interactions for the whole span of the weekend. Based on the experience, i am reminded of something i once read, and can conclude that the writer knew what they were talking about :

"I want raging nights : dark and wild, lit only by the city, bonfires & cigarettes.
 I want sun kissed mornings : breezy and free, interrupted only by the voice of lovers and friends."

The Things That Iylia Elena has Taught Me Over The Years

1. Pray every day but only use words if they are really necessary for words make the most beautiful weapon.

2. Maybe God brings us one another, for us to get close to Him.

3. Niat kena betul, yes. Cara pun kena betul, yes?

4. To conquer yourself, you have to know what you want, and try to understand and accept what you need.

5. Be kind, for it brings ease to the universe. After all, the universe is also fighting a battle.

6. If it breaks, you put it back together.    If it doesn't work, you try again.    If that doesn't work, you chuck it away. You get a replacement.    If you can't find any, you'll learn to not need it.    If you're lucky, you'll realize that you really don't.

7. Ingatlah, jangan sesekali engkau menyerah dan berserah pada yang lain, selain Tuhanmu.

And this list is just a small, small fraction of the things that she has taught me/reminded me of/helped me discover. I thank God for the existence of the Iylias of the world (take note, they are of the Special Edition species, they weren't made in bulk, and it's really hard to find one in ready-stock) and I consider myself very very lucky that i managed to wrangle myself one.

Because, you see, she is one of those people who stay strong even when they have every right to break down.

She turned 24 at midnight.
And I do wish that many more midnights will witness her growth into a fine, fineeeeee human being/lady/friend/wife/mother and that I will be there, each midnight, cheering her on at every leap she makes.

Happy Birthday Vixen.
I love you.

If you really want to know...

Being the eldest child, I grew up without having a brother to bully me into cool-dom or a sister who blasts her stereo to Pearl Jam and Radiohead, subconciously teaching me the value of good music as opposed to being exposed to the boring drone of malay DJs who somehow get their kicks out of talking while repeatedly pausing and playing dreary music.

All these lessons that second, third and consecutive childs take for granted, i had to pick up the hard way from my bestfriend. All of it. Down to mastering the art of basic social conduct. And in so many ways, it was her who inspired me to write. Because she writes so beautifully, it feels like she bares her soul to you when you read her words that it makes you physically ache. She taught me the power of words. And how it can touch souls.

For example, she would say "in a love story, reality is a thin line between ultimate corniness and the impossibles" or "what is the poetry of happiness, when the extent of it can't even be contracted into lines; you just look at the sky and smile, and these feelings, you can't really put down"

She went on crazy adventures so so so many miles away from me. And it is through words that she relived her accounts to me. And it is through those same words that I travelled and grew with her.

A wild-haired vixen constantly reminds me that words make the most beautiful weapon (honestly she's like a conscience brought to life!). And it is with these knowledge that I tread along these lines - very very carefully.

And i have honestly missed writing just for the sake of ranting, without any specific destination that the words are expected to reach. I am writing tonight simply because I am in love with words and for some reason, I have been reminded of that love.

And i would say that this is the kind of love that goes a long way. This is the love that fixes me up when all the other loves fail me.

And for this, i have my bestfriend to thank. Ma chérie, c'est pour toi.

i have endless questions on my mind

maybe (i am hoping), you can give me the answers, 

maybe (i am hoping) that YOU are the answer.

Dont We All Hate Goodbyes?

You can't deny, some goodbyes you hate more than the rest.
Some filled with anticipation,
Some with uncertainty,
Some with regret (of unspoken words).

Any which way, it's inevitable.

So for now, you deal with the goodbyes and linger on waiting for the hellos to intercept.

I would love to tell you everything about him, but then you'll fall in love with him too.

Thoughts of him infiltrate every inch of my head.
It is as if someone took a butter knife and spread a thick layer of him all over my mind.

This is bordering on ridiculous.

(but a nice kind of ridiculous, if i may add)

***

And by now I'm guessing a couple of people have already started rolling their eyes (some possibly smiling sheepishly to make up for the fact that they are rolling their eyes) at the current theme my blogposts has been following. But i'm pretty smitten, so I really dont care.

The thing is, nothing is ever for certain and you can never ever be dead sure of something.
You can spend half of your life working on something, and it might just go bust in a blink of an eye.
On the other hand, you can also be waltzing about, not expecting anything, and getting something that is much better than what you would have thought to ask for in the first place.

At the end of the day, you can't tell which is which.
That's why you should just fully indulge yourself in the current blessing (enjoy your present!) and hope to God that THIS will stick around.

And i'm sure, somewhere deep within, you'll know if this is just like all the other times, or if it's really something else.

When The Universe Speaks To You Through Soundtracks

And for tonight, it's the much awaited for Angels - The XX

It doesn't have to be on Valentine's Day. 

It doesn't have to be by the time you turn eighteen or thirty-three or fifty-nine. 

It doesn't have to conform to whatever is usual. 

It doesn't have to be kismet at once, or rhapsody by the third date. 

It just has to be. In time. In place. In spirit.

It just has to be. 

- David Levithan

I think I'm a little too agitated tonight to be able to write my own words. 
Because there has been a word-supply shortage, lately. 
Good thing there's an endless amount of messages that the Universe has been kind enough to lend me.

(Before i forget, cheers to songs that give you goosebumps and make the hairs at the back of your neck stand up ; Songs that make you both want to cry and laugh at the same time)

Again, in the words of Mr. Levithan, "You know that feeling when you treat someone's every word as if it weighs more than anyone else's but you don't even know why?"

You know? No? Know?

Behind The Scenes

because i'm smiling underneath these hands that cup over my face.
because the instant i hear your voice, i let out a sigh of relief
because i both understand and don't understand at the same time
because all the cliches finally make sense
because, well, because,

*avoids eye contact and takes a sip of water*

Second Chances

If you ask me, i'll tell you that second chances are the best kind of blessings that one can get.

It comes in various forms and sizes -
a retest for a paper you did badly in the first time around
a new canvas for a do-over of your artwork
a dejavu of a previous relationship (a Re-relationship?)

This time around :
learn the formulas
make sure there are no more careless mistakes
hold your brush well
dont anticipate the result - just enjoy the process
tread carefully, watch what you say, and most importantly
handle the feelings of others the way you'd like your sentiments to be handled.

Public Service Announcement

Please don't be stuck in the past.
Because there are people in the present waiting for you to make an appearance.
To make a difference only you can make.
And without you in the Now, the Future cannot occur.