Monday, November 29, 2010

small things and big gestures

you know how they call the first few months of relationship the 'honeymoon period'?
it's not surprising, considering that the romance level will decrease by a few notches post-honeymooning.

i think this (after the honeymoon period is over) is where we greedy humans often go wrong.
it is at this point that we tend to focus on the big gestures that says 'I LOVE YOU' and stop noticing the small things.

I read Amir Muhammad's story in Rojak where he recalled a certain memory from his childhood.
He was standing outside of a mosque with his father after prayer, simply waiting for his mother to come out. While they were waiting, he noticed his dad picking up his mother's shoes and simply moved the shoes so that it would face the other direction. That way, when his mother comes out from the mosque, she wouldnt have to fiddle with her shoes. Instead she could put it on right away. And that was the first time Amir realized that his father loves his Ummi.

That got me thinking, me being as selfish as I am, i'm pretty sure there are dozens of little things that i haven't been grateful for.

To take one small example, i love to talk (im sure you are also tired of hearing me repeat this fact). Sometimes, when i'm on a roll, i just cannot stop.
I need to talk just for the sake of talking, without having anything substantial to talk about.

There has been plenty of times when Rambut Kembang is too tired to talk to me.
He would then ask me to sit by the couch where he sleeps and read him a story.
That way, i get to talk, but he doesnt have to respond.

I'm starting to think that those small things might actually mean more than big gestures.
It's awesome, really, how something so small that it's almost insignificant can actually determine how far you can go.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

aku, dia dan ...

pagi pagi sejuk baru lepas hujan macam ni,
mesti tak sah kalau tak reminisce zaman zaman lalu.
kadang-kadang bila ingat balik drama yang dah jadi,
rasa macam tak boleh comprehend the kind of journey that you've had.

tapi sebab tu lah teenagers are stupid.
sebab memang they are meant to be.
so that they will do stupid stuff that will teach them a lesson
yang akan jadikan mereka semua smart adults.

memang cycle dia vicious that way.
terima je lah.

nak dengar cerita?

saya tak tahu lah kenapa,
dan macam mana,
saya boleh tercicirkan hati, bila;
tertentang saya dengan bulatnya mata
terkelu saya dengan senyum manisnya

saya memang teramatlah kagum
sebab tak pernah saya jumpa species serefreshing itu
seolah olah selama ni saya hidup dalam dunia 2 dimensi
dan tiba tiba dimensi ketiga dibentangkan depan mata

saya macam tak sangka
bagai bulan jatuh ke riba
haha
rasa gembira tapi tak faham apa yang saya dah buat untuk deserve rasa sedemikian rupa

tapi,
biasalah
kadang kadang gembira tu tak datang lama
sebelum diganti dengan kecewa

walaupun sedih tetap ada
tapi saya baru sedar bahawa bersyukur sajalah
sebab ; sekurang kurangnya, yang sempat ada cumalah memori indah saja
jadi takkan ada yang dapat tarnish imaji imaji yang dah terlekat dalam kepala

so, perhaps, it was for the best after all
kalau ada, bagus lah tu
kalau takde, adalah yang lebih baik yang menunggu

:)

at the end of the day, win-win juga kan?
jadi gopoh- gapah sangat pun tak guna juga.
hehe

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

sabarlah si atheist, sabarlah si anak muda.

berbagai macam isu berlegar legar dalam kepala
sampai tak mampu nak pilih yang mana satu nak diluahkan.

dari isu si atheist yang bencikan ibadah puasa,
ke isu anak anak muda (fuh, cakap mcm la dah tua sangat. hahah) bercumbu di tengah kota.

bagi yang dah tahu, elok lah tu.
bagi yang belum tahu, maaf, saya tak mahu tambahkan malu.

dua isu yang essence nya berbeza
tapi dari segi reaksi penonton, teramat lah sama
dua golongan yang dilabel berdosa
direjam dihina umat manusia

(ni apasal cakap nak rhyme ni? ngahahahaha)

entah la. bila tengok reaksi para pembaca,
yang rata rata nya mencaci mencerca
seolah olah tak pernah berdosa
rasa sayu tak terkata.

agama Islam, adalah seindah-indah agama
yang mana penganutnya penuh dengan kasih sayang dan kelembutan
yang mana tutur kata bisa melembutkan hati golongan yang tak percaya
tapi secara generalnya,sekarang ni, susah betul nak nampak kelembutan dan humility tu.

asal nampak benda/orang yang lari sedikit dari landasan normal,
terus ramai ramai balingkan hujah-hujah (yang agak repetitive dan sama in essence) 

"astaghfirullahhalazim budak budak zaman sekarang"
"ni perangai mcm ni memang kafir. neraka je la tempat kau"
"mak bapak tak ajar la ni, jadi macam ni."
"baik mati je daripada menyusahkan agama macam kau ni"
"bodoh bangang sial (sila tambah carutan di sini) punya orang. kau tak malu ke weh?"

jawab ini sejujur jujur nya:

Who are we to play God?
Apakah kelayakan kita untuk tentukan syurga neraka seseorang? Untuk menjatuhkan hukum mati? Untuk melabelkan orang sebagai kafir?
Fasih sangat kah kita untuk memfitnah orang lain bahawa mereka tidak mendidik darah daging dengan benar?

Sigh.

Dalam banyak banyak isu sosial, pada saya, keberanian memaki hamun dan melontar fitnah di balik skrin komputer adalah isu yang paling menyedihkan sekali.

Oh, saya bukan cuba kata kan yang saya manusia yang sempurna,
dan semua orang lain adalah salah dan saya seorang saja yang betul.

Jauh sekali.

Saya sendiri terlalu banyak kesilapan, terlalu naive, terlalu daif ilmu di dada.
Tapi kalau guna akal yang ada, it is pretty obvious that cara yang halus itu selalunya lebih berkesan dari cara yang kasar.
Kalau pun teringin di hati nak menegur, biarlah dengan cara yang betul.
Biarlah dengan rasa hormat, bukannya rasa superior kepada orang yang dinasihati.

Because when you advise anyone with respect, it shows.
And when you do it while bearing in mind that you are better than the other person, it will also show.

Hanya teguran dengan rasa hormat saja yang bakal membuatkan hujah-hujah kamu diterima juga dengan rasa hormat.

Ahhhhh. banyak lagi sebenarnya rasa rasa yang tak mampu nak ditulis.
Rasa rasa yang belum ada perkataan tercipta untuk explain with pen and paper.

Harap harap saya sentiasa ingat.

Untuk tidak mengclassifykan orang dalam category category apa pun
Untuk tidak cepat melatah
Untuk tidak memaki hamun sesedap rasa
Untuk tidak cepat membenci dan mengata.

:)

Monday, November 15, 2010

to you awesome women

Dear Baizulikha and Zalikha,

this is for you beautiful (inside and out) ladies.

Such was Zuleika, such around her shone
The nameless charms unmarked by her alone -
The light of love, the purity of grace,
The mind, the Music breathing from her face,
The heart whose softness harmonized the whole,
And oh! that eye was in itself a soul!

The Bride of Abydos,
Lord Byron

#3 : My Favourite Television Programme

this post is dedicated to Igniz.


the best combination of six people in the entire world


If you've never heard of the show before, I only have one thing to say to you :
WELCOME TO PLANET EARTH.

I grew up watching FRIENDS.
But it wasnt until 6 years ago that i started watching the show religiously.

In UTP, in the beginning of each semester, ill start watching the show from the Pilot episode and work my way through the 10 seasons. Usually, in 4 months, i wouldve finished watching it at least twice.

I mean, what is there not to love?
Exactly. Nothing.

The jokes are out of the world and original.
The characters are all both charming and weird at the same time.
The mere ease of them blending in together with each other.
The way they make you reaching out for tissues at the end of each season.

All my life,
this is all ive ever wanted.
this is all im asking for.

people who are there during the breakups and the proposals.
friends who stick through the fights and the makeups.
soulmates whom you want around you at all occasions.



i can talk about Friends day in day out.
i could make this post go on and on til you would start cussing at me for writing such a long piece that nobody wants to read (which is why, im trying hard not to start talking about favourite episodes).

this is the only TV series that made it 10 seasons and stayed awesome throughout the way.

p/s : i suka The One Where Joey Speaks French. kelakar gila tolong lah.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

dari perempuan kepada perempuan

sungguh,
yang sudah berpunya memang lazimnya lebih menarik hati
yang bukan mudah dipetik yang itu menjadi keinginan abadi

tapi,
beringat ingat lah, 
Tuhan itu Maha Adil.
bilamasa kau cuba mencari ruang untuk menjadi orang ketiga
dan bilamasa hubungan terjalin atas kesedihan orang lain
ketika itulah namamu akan termaktub dalam buku karma

jika benar dia memang tercipta untukmu
dan engkau dicipta untuknya
tak perlu lah bermuslihat segala, 
tak perlu juga rebutkan dia
yang pasti, tak akan kemana.

jangan lah buka pekung di dada
jangan lah menangis meronta ronta
jangan mengejar jangan memaksa
nanti terjatuh terngadah sudahnya

aku faham apa kau rasa
aku juga pernah disana
tapi biarlah kena niat dan cara
tak perlu lah main redah saja

:)

oh Tuhan, benci nya bila lapar macam ini

bila ada harimau mengaum dalam perut
sambil cakar cakar
segala usus, segala isi

bila mula terbayang bayang segala macam jenis makanan.
hari-hari biasa, makanan dah terhidang depan mata pun eksyen tak nak makan.
tiba-tiba malam ni teringin nak homemade sandwich yang ada Pistachio Chicken slice dan cheese sekeping dua dan cili sos dan mayo yang melimpah ruah.

tapi ini Tronoh.
Bukan Toronto.
jadi pada pukul 2.06 pagi, bila tiba tiba teringin benda bukan bukan macam tu, jangan harap lah ada supermart buka 24 hours nak layan kerenah perut.

ok fine.
beli burger Ramly pun ok jugak.
tapi tak boleh.
sebab hujan.
dan bila hujan lebat, abang yang selalunya buka burger stall tak jadi buka kedai,
sebab kalau dia buka jugak, nanti baju basah kuyup kena hujan.

dekat Petronas UTP ni dulu patutnya ada McD.
Tapi tak jadi.
sebab ada pihak-pihak yang tulis surat bangkang pembukaan McD sebab itu franchise orang Yahudi, maka kita tak boleh support dan biar mereka untung besar dan guna duit tu untuk attack orang Islam.

mangsanya? saya yang kelaparan pukul 2 pagi sebab takde tempat lain jual burger 24 jam.
saya pun Islam jugak!
huhuhu.

uish. panjang nya rant pasal lack of makanan.

kan, lagi senang kalau tulis :

AKU LAPAR WOI.

settle.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

i love him cuz he makes me laugh

Rambut Kembang and I were having dinner (Char Kuey Teow, big yum alert) and was interrupted by a cat meow-ing at his feet.

He threw out a few prawn skins and watched intently while the cat gobbled it up.
I, on the other hand, was staring at him staring at the cat.

Him : Why are you looking at me like that?
Me  : Saja. Suka. You tengok kucing tu, penuh dengan humanity. Heheh.
Him : Humanity apanya? I kesian la tengok dia lapar.
Me  : Betul lah. You were looking at the cat with more kasih sayang in your eyes daripada you tengok i. Hahah.

He looks up from the cat and gazed at me.

"Minum lah air tu. Minum lah. I nak pandang you dengan penuh kasih sayang and humanity ni "

he says while looking at me without blinking. Tak kelip mata okay.

dia pandang mcm ni serious tak tipu.

Friday, November 12, 2010

of P. Ramlee and how Malaysians don't learn from past mistakes

cewah.
title blog tak nak panjang gila kan?
haha.

i saw the documentary of P. Ramlee on History channel.
(mula mula tension sebab Si Rambut Kembang tukar channel sebab masa tu tengah excited nak tengok cerita apa tah kat 413 haha. nasib baik the documentary was well worth it).

Lepas habis tengok, terus terkilan tertekan.

The man was a legend.
But he did not get the recognition and treatment that he deserved until long after his death,
which pretty much doesnt count dah kan?
(and after all these years of idolizing him, i never knew this!)
 

1. He was the 'anak ikan' of Shaw Brothers. A successful man like him are bound to be subjected to evil glares of others. Having been given special treatment over all the other directors, he became the bull's eye of their dart boards. Using their connection with the media, they managed to curb stories about P. Ramlee's success and brilliance from reaching the society.

2. He was well recognized internationally, but was criticized in Malaya.

3. During the Pop Yeh Yeh era, P. Ramlee was boo-ed on stage because his songs were already 'lapuk' by then and nobody wanted to listen to them.

4. After producing more than 360 songs for EMI, they one decided to tell him 'im sorry, we're not going to continue your contract with us because your album dah tak laku'.

aaaaah, the list of frustration goes and on and on.
just typing about it is giving me a headache.
and considering that i need my sanity so that i can study for my final exams, i shall stop listing it out.
you can read about it here and here if you're curious.

My point is, some things never change.

Allahyarham P. Ramlee was recognized at an international level, but he was shunned by his own countrymen. On the day that he died, there weren't even any food at home. Saloma didn't even have enough money to pay for his funeral. And his family couldn't even claim the royalty for his songs because even though he wrote the whole thing by himself, it wasnt copyrighted under his name.

It's just sad to know that 'our people' has been acting like this from dulu sampai la sekarang.
At the sight of somebody being more successful, we freak out and do all we can to bring that person down.

Ugh. Ugh. 
I take the 'we' back in the statement above.
(i initially thought that using 'we' would make it seem less like i'm pointing fingers at others, but being included in 'we' makes me feel disgusted with myself)

Surprise surprise,
Yasmin Ahmad was treated pretty much the same.
The genius in her movies were often misconstrued as something that it is not.
Her films are sought-after on an international level, and yet Malaysia refused to show her films as they are 'controversial'.
It was only after her death that they decided to air it.

I've lost my mood.
Can't write what i originally wanted to write.
So im gonna stop now.
Bye.

P/s : BTW, check out Amir Muhammad's  article on P. Ramlee foreseeing the future that is Facebook here.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder

If you got here expecting to read a medical observation, you are in the wrong place.
This is just a rant, with no solid facts at all.
Go on. Hit the 'X' button, i will not be offended, i promise.
:)

anyway,
ive had a few telltale symptoms of OCPD.
then again, maybe it is just a few perfectionist traits due to my being born under the Virgo sign
but then OCPD sounds more fun! 
heheh. so im gonna stick to it.

im getting giddy, so im listing out a few of my quirks :

1. each time i write notes for class or exams, it has to have more than one colour. that is why i never go to class without my colour pens. in fact, it is so bad there was this one time that i had only just covered one out of ten topics for my paper which was due the next day, and i refused to simply doodle some quick notes using just my pencil. even though im just rewriting other people's notes or doing past year papers, the answer has to be neatly written in at least two colours. otherwise, i wouldnt be able to remember what ive written.

2. the work that i send in has to be perfect by my standard. lets say ive got an assignment that consists of 3 questions. if i only manage to get the answers for two of the questions, but not for the last one, i would rather not send in the assignment at all. -_-'

3. my room is a mess most of the time. but each time i want to study, the room has to be spick and span. (kalau tak, memang jam, baca apa pun tak kan boleh masuk). that is probably why last minute studying has proven to be ineffective in my case. because ill spend more time cleaning the pig-sty of a room than actually studying. 

4. at certain times, i will have a random need to read a certain book out loud. i dont know why, but i just have to do it. during this 'storytelling' phase, i will read a book and each time i mispronounce a word, i have to re-read from the top page. it is tedious and seriously annoying but i seriously cant stop doing it. 

5. every single time i park my car, after a few seconds, ill walk back towards the car to make sure that ive locked it. and it's pathetic because i know for sure that the first thing i do after getting out from the car is to lock it. yet, i have to make sure. every single time. it doesnt sound so bad if im just a few steps away from the car when the compulsion hits me. but sometimes ill be in the shopping mall, a few floors away from where i parked my car, and like it or not, i just have to walk back to the car to make sure that it has been locked. it's either that or i have to spend the rest of the time worrying about my car being stolen. 

this is getting a tad bit long and a tad bit embarrassing. so im gonna stop. 
have YOU got OCD/OCPD tendency? ;)

Minggu ni Arsenal tak berapa handsome?

i was watching Champion's League highlights tadi.
tiba tiba tension sebab Arsenal tak capable of playing a fast-paced game (well, ok perhaps Walcott was fast and he did overrun the two Shakhtar Donesk players, but we lost the game anyway didnt we?)

maybe i should stop following EPL and support Ajax and just watch Champion Leagues instead. 
it's a tempting thought. 

for a start, i dont have to be frustrated with Arsenal week in week out. 
aaaaand, the MU fans would probably get off my back over games that funnily enough, i do not play in but somehow get made fun of.

GARR. 

sense of loyalty hmph!. 

-_-'

(hahaha bitter gila ntah apa apa ntah)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book

Ika's mom is going to move to Labuan soon and she would be leaving all her books behind. Being a sucker for freebies, I hogged three huge paperbags of books that should last me til next June or so.

I have just finished lining them up on the rack (according to height!) and am about to cry because it already looks like a mini library :')
crying over a book shelf would definitely put me under the 'psycho' list, so ive decided to blog about it instead (as a way to stop the tears from making a debut).

And yes, a part of me just wants to show off. :P

1) State of Fear - Michael Crichton
2) The Terminal Man - Michael Crichton
3) Noble House - James Clavell
4) Absolute Proof - Stephen Frey
5) Justice - Faye Kelleman
6) Life of Pi - Yann Marcel
7) Primary Colours - Anonymous
8) Bleachers - John Grisham
9) Inside The Kingdom - Carmen bin Laden
10) Dolores Clairborne - Stephen King
11) Dreamcatcher - Stephen King
12) Twelve Red Herrings - Jeffrey Archer
13) Black Market - James Patterson
14) Hide and Seek - James Patterson
15) The Doomsday Conspiracy - Sidney Sheldon
16) The Stars Shine Down - Sidney Sheldon
17) It Is Bliss Here - Myles Hildyard
18) Dead Air - Iain Banks
19) Walking on Glass - Iain Banks
20) Canal Dreams - Iain Banks
21) Ash Wednesday - Ethan Hawke
22) Brother Odd - Dean Koontz
23) A Darkness More Than Night - Michael Connelly
24) Vanished - Danielle Steel
25) Mixed Blessings - Danielle Steel
26) The Hot Zone - Richard Preston
27) There Is No Me Without You - Melissa Fay Greene
28) La Prisonniere - Malika Oufkir and Michele Fitoussi
29) Revolusi Mental Mahathir - Yahaya Ismail

karma schmarma.

im the kind of person who constantly needs to talk.
it's more of a sickness, really, if i were to be honest.
each time i'm faced with a new set of problems, my friends (and their respective ears) are the ones that suffer.

i have a raging need to voice something out loud in order for my brain to compute it.
(as im writing, im feeling very sympathetic towards my friends. you see, i can be obsessive at times. ahh, who am i kidding, i obsess ALL the time. i can talk about a stupid topic for hours and hours. and now i think i ought to personally thank all of you for still wanting to befriend me. ngehh)

my parents once told me though,
whatever it is that you want the world to see, you need not show. if you are sincere enough, one day, at the right time, the world will realize it all on its own accord, without any coercion on your part. 

which brings me to the realization that perhaps, you ought not be talking about negative things. like, your fears and your dark issues and well, things that you intend to forget.

this is not optimism talking. it really isn't.
it's just well, common sense.

constantly talking about something will not provide the issue with any solution, i can vouch for that. all it makes you do is worry more and more about something that might or might not even happen. and well, to be honest, if you focus on something more than you should, it has a tendency of propelling you out of control.

so you want to forget about a bad breakup.
why the hell are you still talking about the heartbreaker to your friends?
you keep telling yourself and everybody who's listening that you want to forget all about the jerk who broke your heart, and the awful things that the person has done to you.
talking about it relentlessly will NOT give you what you need to move on and walk away.

but then again, if anybody were to tell me this a few months back, i would probably ignore it and do whatever the hell i want anyway.

so yeah.

haha.

How people treat you is their karma, how you react is yours.

Friday, November 5, 2010

1..2..3..4..5

Tolak tambah lima tahun lepas,
saya mula embrace kebebasan bermain bola
sebab, selama lama 16 tahun tinggal kat rumah,
mak saya start risau tak tentu pasal bila saya nak main bola

Ini semua bila dah take into consideration bahawa : sampai umur saya 15 tahun,
saya asyik nak panjat pokok hike bukit
dia risau anak perempuan dia tak jadi perempuan.
perhaps. perhaps.

Jadi, bila masuk UTP, saya galak gila bila dapat peluang main futsal tiap tiap malam.
Tiba tiba rasa semangat nak main hebat gila supaya boleh main for Malaysia lepas ni.
(memang angan angan tak beragak)
Tapi, agak nya memang bukan takdir saya nak jadi pemain bola sepak,
tapi untuk tertendang kaki seseorang.

Seseorang yang tolak tambah lima tahun kemudian,
akan jadi antara orang yang paling penting dalam hidup saya.

Dari waktu tendangan berlaku,
sampai lah waktu kalian membaca,
saya dah lihat pelbagai warna,
dah dengar berbagai bicara,
dah melalui bermacam acara.

Dan saya rasa, pelajaran pengajaran yang paling penting yang saya dapat adalah :
- relationship yang ikhlas tak perlu kan apa apa label
- confusion antara perasaan sayang dengan 'pride of ownership' boleh mendatangkan bahaya
- sayang tak menjamin togetherness. kadang kadang atas sebab sayang lah, people are forced to let go. sebab bila sayang, the only thing you want is the other person to be happy too, even if it means without you in the same frame.
- dan walau apa sekalipun, you have to be willing to forgive. dengan seikhlas hati.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

of you and me

LOVE IS THE MASTER
Love is the One who masters all things;
I am mastered totally by Love.
By my passion of love for Love
I have ground sweet as sugar.
O furious Wind, I am only a straw before you;
How could I know where I will be blown next?
Whoever claims to have made a pact with Destiny
Reveals himself a liar and a fool;
What is any of us but a straw in a storm?
How could anyone make a pact with a hurricane?
God is working everywhere his massive Resurrection;
How can we pretend to act on our own?
In the hand of Love I am like a cat in a sack;
Sometimes Love hoists me into the air,
Sometimes Love flings me into the air,
Love swings me round and round His head;
I have no peace, in this world or any other.
The lovers of God have fallen in a furious river;
They have surrendered themselves to Love's commands.
Like mill wheels they turn, day and night, day and night,
Constantly turning and turning, and crying out.

(Rumi)
and after all these years,
what else can i do, 
but to be hopelessly in love with you?
i cant run from it, 
and i cant deny it,
for Love is the master, and i am its slave.



Happy Birthday Sayang, 
i could write you a thousand poems,
and it still wouldnt be enough,
because you complete me.
and no amount of words can even begin to describe what THAT feels like.
Quand je suis avec vous, je suis chez soi.
:)

(pelukkuatkuat)

Love.