Selamat Hari Raya! now lets go out and main mercun!

fuh fuh.
tiba tiba teringin nak conform dengan society.

I would like to publicize sesi pemohonan ampun maaf sempena Hari Raya.

I am, by nature, a loud person. To add to the damage, i am also (most of the time) incapable of watching the things i say. As a result, i might have unintentionally (and sometimes, bila tengah bad mood, intentionally) caused you to add your own dosa sebab marah/simpan dendam/maki maki dekat i due to sakit hati. Teramat amat lah sorry kalau ada such a case (which im pretty sure, ada).

And sometimes, the things that i do are incomprehensible to other (more) normal beings. I wont apologize for being myself and jumping up and down and kadang kadang tergelak extra kuat, but i will say sorry if you happen to be on the same table and malu due to my 'tak cover' behaviour.

I'm only human. I make mistakes. And sometimes i break hearts. Sometimes i provoke and instigate others. Sometimes i do impulsive things that may result in tragedies.

For all of that, saya susun sepuluh jari (i still do not understand the relevance behind this symbolism) and Minta maaf dari hujung rambut sampai hujung kaki. Halalkan makan minum i (or if you insist, claim la lepas i dapat duit raya ni).

Selamat Hari Raya.
Maaf Zahir. dan Batin (hanya kepada golongan golongan tertentu sahaja).

Dont indulge too much with raya food yaww! Jangan menyesal di kemudian hari!

Akhir kata, maju lah sukan untuk negara!

how do you expect me to respect you when you can't even respect yourself?

if it makes you happy parading your stupidity to the whole world as if it's something to be proud of, then go on, i can't stop you.

but that also means i can't respect you.

ahhhhh maybe we should all just leave you as you are. 

besides, you seem to enjoy playing the part of the imbecile in the glass. 

you seem to adore having people pass you by, pointing and sniggering.

if that's your choice, then so be it. 

but don't blame us if we get a kick out of pointing and laughing at you.

hey, it's only fair, no?

(lopsided grin)

ini semua gara gara baca perihal politik in the light of the celebration of Independence.

1. bilamasa fahaman dan ideologi terbit secara membabi buta, kesedaran patut ada bahawa we are treading on the wrong track. 

2. bilamasa ketidaksetujuan tidak lagi diiringi dengan rasa hormat, muncul lah golongan golongan lancang yang hanya mahu kan kemenangan, bukan lagi kebenaran.

3. bilamasa aku sudah bicara tentang perihal perihal yang randomly righteous, sudah pasti maksudnya telah sampai waktu untuk aku tidur lena.

:)

Independent enough ke nak celebrate Independence Day?

Early Disclaimer : Today is not Malaysia's birthday. It is just the 53rd anniversary of it's independence. Those are two very different things mmkay?

Beberapa calendar tahunan yang lepas, saya still semangat nak sambut Hari Merdeka. Masa tu, saya jakun lagi dengan fireworks yang buat saya rasa macam kat dalam Disney's animation, duduk santai layan asap tepi castle yang besar mcm Hogwarts. 

Tapi, then again, rasanya sampai mati pun tak hilang kot rasa jakun tu?

Unfortunately, ada incident yang buat saya turn off dengan mass Merdeka celebration. Masa tu kat The Curve. Ingat kan okay la, checkout fireworks 5 mins je pun from home. Tak payah la nak sesak sesak layan kaki cramp sebab tekan clutch byk sgt being stuck dalam traffic. Padahal kat Curve pun sama je. Nak cari parking dah dekat sejam. Dapat tengok fireworks 5, 6 minit je. Tak berbaloi langsung.

Tapi masa tu darah muda, hahah. Claustrophobic pun claustrophobic lah. Tak kisah la even though kena sesak nafas in the midst of orang orang hyper macam nak pergi reformasi. Tiba-tiba, ada a bunch of underaged kids sprayed snow in a can all over my face! Habis makeup rambut segala penat je duduk depan cermin lama lama nak set up, tapi last last kena spray. Ish.

Tapi, somehow, over the years saya dah notice how Merdeka has simply become an excuse for people to party without even knowing the real meaning of that celebration.

Bukannya nak jadi bitter (which actually means, memang bitter ni, tapi sikiiiit je la, tak la bitter sangat) tapi how do you expect me to be all hyped up pasal Independence Day when i am in no way independent. Tak langsung! Dalam apa apa aspek pun, im pretty much masih dijajah oleh pihak pihak lain.

Masih ada ikatan dengan Petronas yang bakal memakan masa yang lama.

Masih mengharap setiap minggu parents akan email cakap duit dah masuk kat Maybank account.

Masih layan EPL tiap tiap hari nak kena cukak Soccernet tapi local football scene tak nak ambik tahu langsung (one of these days, kena jugak tengok Selangor punya match dekat Stadium Shah Alam!).

Masih dikelilingi orang orang yang berfikir macam time nama Malaysia masih Tanah Melayu dulu.

Masih dikeliling mentaliti yang tak logik dan kurang berkembang.

Masih ada egoist egoist yang tak mahu terima pendapat orang lain.

Masih malas dan masih bertangguh.

Jadi, apa yang nak diraikan sekarang? Jadi, lebih baik layan hari ni macam hari yang lain lain kan?

Sebab memang tak ada bezanya.

:)

Selamat Hari Merdeka, Malaysia.

p/s : bulan dan bintang kat langit pun boleh tahan power lawa macam fireworks jugak. Cuma tak ada bunyi meletup je. :)

Hati yang agak fragile

Aku memang pelik sungguh dengan kamu.
Kamu cuma punya satu hati, bukan?
Bukan belasan mahupun puluhan?
Dan hati kamu, fragile bukan?
Sekali ku ambil, milik aku sampai bila pun.

Ya, mungkin akan ada yang lain menyusul selepas aku

Tapi yang kau mampu beri pada mereka cuma hati retak

Benar, bukan?

Jawablah sayang,

penat aku bertanya.

Jika benar kata aku,
   mengapa kamu hadiahkan aku hati kamu
   mengapa kamu biarkan aku tinggalkan tanda pada hati itu
dan tiba tiba, kamu menghilang diri.

Bila muncul semula,

kamu buat seolah-olah kita tak pernah punya kaitan

seolah-olah, pada satu masa, kau bukan penyelamat aku

dan aku bukan selimut kamu.

Cebis cebis hati kamu masih pada aku
Aku pelik sungguh,
tak mahu kah kamu tampal semula cebis-cebis yang aku genggam

Aku tak mampu faham

   agenda kamu yang sebenar

Atau mungkin aku salah faham perkataan 'istimewa'

Mungkin kame ada lebih satu hati, mungkin.

Atau mungkin kamu robot yang tak pentingkan rasa jiwa.

Aku masih rindu.

p/s : i found this written at the back of my Design of Steel & Prestressed Concrete exam paper from a long time ago. Cheers.

to : orang orang jauh

1.2.3.4.5.6

to 7 pretty pretty girls :

when we took the pictures, 

it was only to pass time and be a lil bit in love with ourselves

but that wasnt all we captured.

:)

here's to many many marvelous memories.

*clink*

banana split personality

saya baru baca blog Tidak Best (nama je Tidak Best, tapi best!) yang mengingatkan saya tentang perihal alter ego.

Baru malam semalam waktu otak berpinar pinar, saya terkenangkan alter ego saya sendiri.

Kelakar.

Rasa macam deja vu pun ada.

Eh. Takde kena mengena.

Saya rasa saya yang menulis dan saya yang bercakap adalah dua being yang lain.
Sesungguhnya lain.

Yang menulis ;

mungkin lebih matang
mungkin lebih bijak menilai keadaan
mungkin lebih faham tata manusia

Yang bercakap ;

masih rancak bergelak ketawa
masih hilang dipimpin rasa
masih terkedu masih ternganga

Saya yang ke kelas dan saya yang bermalas di atas katil adalah dua jiwa yang beza.

Sesungguhnya berbeza.

Adanya tembok di tengah.
Yang kiri itu malas,
Yang kanan rancak menari.

To those who only know me virtually ;

jangan terpedaya dengan manis kata

yang hakiki ini tidak lah segah mana.

p/s : sorry termerepek panjang lebar terikutkan perasaan. :)

im not a good storyteller

As much as you make me smile
As much as you are always by my side
As much as I cry on your bony shoulders
You may only exist in my fantasies

As much as your words become my conscience
As much longing as I feel for you
As much as I want to unravel you
You may only exist in my fantasies

Because, as of now, you are not real.
        Because, you and I, have never been real.

jots and sanity

Notice how i never write about anything remotely academic?

It is all because writing is my escape from anything Engineering related.

Imagine this.
The world gets terrorized by something viral and fatal, say the Anthrax. And everybody has to resort to hiding underground.

Now, writing about buildings and columns and beams and tension and offshore structures and steel properties and wave characteristics ;

writing about all those will be equivalent to bringing an envelope-full of Anthrax in the underground refuge.

I know how some people love dropping their intelligent jargons into writing. I dont fall under the same category.

Writing makes me forget about Physics.

It makes me feel like everything is possible.

I seek solace in writing, from the torments of questions with answers that go on for 20 pages.

It doesnt matter if academia kills me.
Writing will revive me.

think before you talk. google before you tweet. (Re: Salleh G. Samsa)

Human reflex and emotions have always been fascinating to me (though sometimes it baflles me more than it should).

If you observe enough, you can always differentiate those who take the time to think and those who uses their brain merely as an accessory. Academic intelligence have nothing to do with it. You either base your actions and conversations on your thoughts, or you dont.

We are a bunch of very angry species. And egoistic too. Come on, dont tell me you havent noticed?

For me, whenever anybody tells me something that i dont particularly agree with, something stirs inside of me, urging me to express my disagreeing thoughts. Now, im sure the same thing happens to a lot of you.

(Ke tak? Ke its just me?)

The thing is, how many of us stop to think before saying or doing anything? How many of us actually tries to consider what the other person is saying or doing before arguing rebuttals in reflex?

Phoebe Buffay once said to Ross Gellar (oh hello there fellow FRIENDS addict!)

Ok, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?

You know what got me thinking this far?
A few days back i came across a story of an unfortunate unbeliever who goes by the name Salleh Gregor Samsa.

This dude insulted the fact that he is forced to fast just because he was born Muslim. He also said a lot deal more but i wont be wasting my blog space to go on about it because that's not the point of my story. Nak tahu, pergi Google sendiri.

Anyway, this Salleh dude has provoked a lot of unnecessary wrath from Muslims, nationwide. Out comes the

ish murtad dah budak ni.

Hey Salleh! Kau ni confirm masuk neraka tahu tak?

Mak bapak kau tak ajar ke? Apasal bodoh bengap (include more cussings) sangat kau ni?

My point is, is this how we preach to unbelievers? Seriously? Orang tu dah la dah takde faith dekat religion and fellow believers. Is this seriously the way to make him change his mind? 

Try and google his name, tonnes of people are blogging about him (benci betul bila rasa macam i am conforming to a sick Malaysian pop-cultureish issue). Anyway, you can analyze sendiri the public's opinion on this dude.

Not really knowing why, (perhaps sebab terlebih banyak masa lapang or perhaps sebab memang i was born a busybody) i looked Salleh up and read his writings. Amongst many, i found one that i find intriguing.

Sebabnya, aku percaya, setiap manusia pun punya dosa dan jika manusia lain boleh dibiarkan hidup dengan gelumang dosa mereka, kenapa aku tak boleh?

Jadi, aku tak akan peduli jika aku dikatakan sedang hidup di dalam dosa yang akan membuatkan aku terbakar di api neraka nanti. Aku tak peduli, sebab aku tahu, pada masa tu, dia yang akan malu, sebab dia pun akan sama menyertai aku di dalam neraka. Dan, lebih ironi bila kami tinggal bersebelahan dan berkongsikan api neraka yang sama.

Jadi, jika manusia yang sedang berteriak kepada aku menidakkan keupayaan aku kepada pilihan aku sendiri, aku hanya akan berkata dan berharap untuk bertemu lagi dengannya, satu hari nanti di pintu neraka. Dan, aku yang akan bentangkan permaidani emas panas yang emasnya masih menggelegak pada kepanasan melampau yang tak pernah kita di bumi sekarang, rasakan. Dan, aku akan bayarkan kos meraikan kedatangannya di sana dengan limpahan kenikmatan yang dihinanya dulu, yang selalu dijadikan sebagai satu set pengukur yang membezakan antara jahat dan baik, hitam dan putih, bersih dan berdebu.

Before i continue, let me make it clear (sebab kadang kadang ada je golongan tak faham bahasa). I am NOT justifying or in any way agreeing to the points of Mr. Salleh. Tapi, you have to admit, it would suck if the scenario described above jadi betul betul kan?

Memang lah, as a Muslim, we have an obligation to tegur if we come across benda benda atau orang orang atau perilaku perilaku yang menghala ke arah kesesatan. But then again, are we doing it right?

I myself, honestly loathe it bila ada orang yang nak menegur, tapi bunyi teguran tu dah iras-iras bunyi insult dan cemuhan. Seriously beats the purpose. Intention tu dah baik dah, tapi methodology FAIL!

All i'm saying is (and ini juga peringatan untuk diri sendiri), sometimes you have to stop and think before you say anything. Even though you are right and the person is wrong, it doesnt mean you have the right to say 'haaaa! take that bitch! you were wrong! i told you so!' Itu memang clearly statement mintak pelempang.

Guna lah otak, The purpose of akal is so that you can think. Bila boleh fikir, takde lah buat statement statement inconsiderate yang bakal mengundang pelempang. Capisce? :)

Arsenal Vs. Liverpool

First game of the season, and already we were facing the losers of last season (or so i thought at the time).

The  first half was sloooooooowww.
Serious tak faham kenapa Arsenal players refused to run.

Sayang sayang sekelian, kalau setakat nak power walk, baik suruh Watson Nyambek je play for Arsenal.

Haaa, macam ni lah bila Fabregas takde,
semua kelam kabut tak tau which direction to head to.
This is the reason behind Wenger's insistence tak nak give in to Barca okaaay.

Tapi tak kisah lah, lari slow pun takpe, sayang still sayang jugak.

Even though I dengar plenty of voices (suara suara murtad) who claims nak give their loyalty to Blackpool after the game, Arsenal tetap di hati ku eceeeh.

ok siapa boleh teka apa tengah jadi ni? heheh

Koscielny, Chamakh and Wilshere made their debut semalam.

(who here thinks that Chamakh looks a bit like C. Ronaldo, angkat tangan!!)

I think it is due to the amount of newbies kot that they kind of fumbled on the field.

Jadi super geram bila ball possession was definitely monopolized by the Gunners, tapi tak boleh langsung nak penetrate Liverpool's defense.

OK lah, their defense was airtight, ill give them that.

Tapi, after Joe Cole got sent off (hehe) and dah down to 10 man pun, Arsenal still couldnt get the ball pass the goal line.

I loved it when they sent in Rosicky and Walcott. And when Persie came in, rasa macam ada newfound hope. As if, Wenger ada some kind of back-up plan, some secret weapon that i had no idea existed.

(hee. but then again, that was just me being melodramatic.)

orang handsome yang wouldve scored if it werent for Reina punya fingertips

Rosicky attempted a very dramatic and cantik shot, but Reina managed to stop the ball by a fraction.

At the time, i dah maki maki dah bising macammana lah Reina boleh on form gila pulak malam ni. Serious stress dengan Reina. (just take a look at my love-hate relationship with Almunia. memang bakar aa)

Tapi tapi tapi. Jeng jeng jeng. What came next got me laughing. Ta-da!

okay. ini Chamakh being violated by Reina. ngahahaha.

ok look closely

i said LOOK! ni dah slow motion habis dah ni.

aaaaaaaaaaaaanddddd... GOAL!!!!!!

Wahaahah. epic okay Reina!
serious boleh gang dengan Rob Green! LOL.

p/s : i read another review by Ms. Aisyah Ezral and loved it. Suka sangat sampai naik bulu roma satu badan baca. Hahahaha. Click HERE to read. 

Mister.

I have tried writing this down hundreds of time, 

but each attempt had miserably failed.

It was as if my feelings have completely left me

as if my words simply refused to leave the tip of my pen.

Each time i begin to pen my feelings down, 

something always holds a piece of my soul back,

forbidding me from pouring my emotions onto paper.

GuiltAffectionFearDenialAttraction.

I cant be sure which of these are holding me back. 

I am deeply sorry, but the internal turmoil is clouding my judgments. 

I am fairly confused myself.

For the umpteenth time, i shall try this again.

He was a boy.

But not just any boy.

He was a boy, whom, next to, made me feel like a girl. Like a lady.

He was nice.

A downright pleasing gentleman should the circumstance require him to be.

A decent guy though he was, every single inch of me screams out at the sight of him, calling his name, yearning for its namesake.

He was nothing like the perfect heroes in novels.

Much less like Prince Charming in fairytales.

He was much much better.

A boy that i am devastatedly infatuated with.

He caresses with the softest touch;

kisses with the softest lips;

and smiles as if he was hiding the most devious (but delicious!) secret.

Grins that taunt me with its mysteriousness that i shall never unravel.

Unpredictable but incredibly passionate.

My casa for comfort.

My spot for solace.

of friends

for months, i have been in deep denial of people leaving me behind.
the fact that everyone has moved on, leaving me one station behind, was not one that i would like to ponder on for too long.

back in school, to be honest, being a social butterfly was all i dreamed about.
having grown up (in other words, finally chucking that stupid ideology out of my head) i began to realize that im more of a closed-community kind of person.

dont get me wrong.
i would say hi to a lamppost if i passed one by on the street, but when it comes down to it, im most comfortable with specific sets of people.

ive seen people whose friends stab backs and causes problems that to me, are only relevant when related with 7 year olds. to tell you the truth, in my circle(s), such problems are practically nonexistant.

i choose to spend time with people who only gets my quirks and twists, people who knows my flaw but dont use it against me. you can say that i'm choosy when it comes to picking friends, but well, my choice has never backfired on me.

the people who has made my campus life bearable are now going places and getting on with life. our daily conversations will now only be a once-in-a-blue-moon catch-up sessions. and that kinda bums me out.

what are you gonna do about it though heh?

To everyone whom i have confided in, tell stupid anecdotes to, made fun of myself in front, You are life saviours.

And, well, in simple words, I Love You. :)

Random #2 : My Favourite Movie

Just like music, i find it hard to pick just one movie.
Senang cerita, two is always better than one (three four five apa lah lagi kan?)

oooh btw this reminds me of my 'Two Boyfriends Are Better Than One' top. ngahaha. mana baju tu hmmm?

back to what i was saying, movies. Hmmm. i have sooo many favourites la. how to pick just one?

I love most of Quentin Tarantino's work. Kill Bill, Pulp Fiction, Four Rooms, Reservoir Dogs, and obviously Inglourious Basterds (that goes without saying). Deathproof was okay i guess. I didnt like it as much as i liked the others. Tarantino has that special knack of creative directing. It's a challenge trying to figure out his hidden message.

Stanley Kubrick was also pretty good. I think Kubrick was a visionary of his time. Lolita was great (in a slightly disturbing manner, of course). So was Dr. Strangelove, A Clockwork Orange and Full Metal Jacket. Eyes Wide Shut too was eerily pointless.

I repeat watching romance movies like The Notebook and matter-of-fact stories like 500 Days of Summer. I adore musicals like Across The Universe and The Boat That Rocked. Rock N Roll Nerd has a collection of awesome songs. Same goes for Once.

And there are the odd ones like Monty Python and the Holy Grail, A Fish Called Wanda, Who Killed Gilbert Grape, Catch Me If You Can. Those are all brilliant movies. Some foreign ones are good too. Like, the French Love Me If You Dare and Le Fabeleux destin d'Amelie Poulain. Or the Japanese Departures. 

OF course, there are also some exceptional local movies from Allahyarhamah Yasmin Ahmad. I loved all of her movies. Rabun, Sepet, Gubra, Mukhsin, Talentime, Muallaf. She brings out real emotions from me.

Like I said, theres just too many to choose from. Im fickle that way, remember? Do you get me now when i tell you that i simply cant pick any certain one?

But suggesting good ones, THAT i can do. Try movies that were based on Chuck Palahniuk's books. Fight Club, Choke, disturbingly goood. And i heard that Invisible Monsters, Lullaby, Rant and Haunted will soon be made into movies too so that's bound to be explosive.

Cant wait cant wait. :)

books that kept me inside the room

 

Being stuck in the room is not so bad. Especially with these books by my bedside. 

I havent been able to write much these days. 

Takde inspiration sangat la. 

Ngaa. 

But wey hey! Maybe we should just wait for assignments to be piling up! Im sure by then i would have plenty to say. 

:)

Until then, toodles.

p/s : Amy, yes yes i know your book is still with me. Wait til i balik KL for buka puasa yeah? :) Love you bebeh!