of enjoying life and going with the flow (just like a fish!)

Fall in love or Fall in hate.

Get inspired or Be depressed.

Ace a test or Flunk a class.

Make babies or Make art.

Speak the truth or Lie and cheat.

Dance on tables or Sit in the corner.

Life is divine chaos.

Embrace it.

Forgive yourself.

Breathe.

And enjoy the ride.

-Solbeam-

p/s : on another totally unrelated note, i am - since last night - determined to play Freecell from game #1 right up to #1000000 . so far i've reached #58. :)

The Trouble With Malaysia

Brian Yap once wrote :

The trouble with Malaysia is that too many people like to tell others what the trouble with Malaysia is. This includes me of course, as the topic of this essay evidently proves.

Most of us might not have much to say about the melting of the ice caps, but many of us have plenty of opinions about the state of our nation, and more importantly, what we think the problems are.

All of which is fine. Except, if so many people know what the trouble with Malaysia is, then do we hate ourselves so much, or are we so helpless, that we choose not to do anything?

If we all know what the trouble with Malaysia is, and a big part of solving any problem is identifying the cause, then why are we still trapped?

And I, being Malaysian, am also subjected to the geographical need to conform.
Though, in the spirit of being a nationalist (wahahaha), I shall not conform too much.
Malaysia is fine. It's the people in it that I have problems with.

Things I Can't Stand :

one : 

a few years back, we started crowding the Arab restaurants at Jalan Damai for a good pot of shisha, a chilled bottle of Barbican and the random Shawirma every now and then.

it was crowded then too but every bit possible to get a table.

somehow, over time, it became infested.

uhuh, infested is apt here, i think.

Parking area with their "RM4 per entry" signs started propping up.

and perhaps, it had a lot to do with Hartamas Square closing down, but soon enough you see random guys chasing you after you have parked by the road side, demanding RM2, RM3 and then RM4.

seriously, who gave those guys the authority to rob people blind?

it's not as if they did anything much apart from waiting for someone to park, with a glisten in their eyes that seems to threaten you that your car will be violated with car-key-scratches unless you pay up.

it's gangsterisme in its worst form.

perhaps i should consider doing that for extra pocket money.

i could easily make thousands a day if i were to do that in the parking area in campus.

hmmm.

the only outcome i can predict is that either all the cars in UTP will sooner or later be scratched beyond recognition, or that it's my face that will end up with the scratches.

LOL

two :

remember the whole TV3 is secretly a Freemason/Illuminati organization hype a few weeks back over the Raya advertisement?

Over-speculation.

Some things are undeniable, sure.

But some things are also unnecessary.

Look. I can start one right now.

You know which other organization has Freemason-tendency?

PLUS.

Check out the triangle roof.

It's shaped like a pyramid.

It has an All-Seeing-Eye right dab in the middle of the triangle.

So that probably means that PLUS is under a Mason organization too, yes?

I mean, come on, do we have over-read everything .

We're meant to discover stuff, yes, but that is by doing a thorough research, not to get over-excited over a piece of the picture and dwelt on it without trying to discover the bigger picture.

now I'm not saying it's only Malaysians who over-speculate (of course, other people from other countries do it too link ) but our tendency to do so is shockingly obvious. And some even go to extreme lengths with extreme thoughts and extreme words.

It's a pity really.
And again, just as Mr. Brian Yap (he is the dude who starred in Muallaf and writes for KLUE btw. check this out to see the tribute piece he wrote for Yasmin Ahmad) suggests, I do not have the solution for this.

So yes, we are still trapped for the time being. Sigh.

i was going to go to bed but then i suddenly felt bad for abandoning my blog so i decided to ramble on about something even though i dont exactly have anything to say.

it was my birthday on the 19th.
being 22 was not much different than any other day.
well, except for the fact that i got a box of cuppacakes (all of them chocolate because they know that i dont really dig other flavours. thanks ami aisha dean terharu serious tak tipu!) and that it took me three whole days to thank everyone who wished me on facebook (i had to say thanks individually. doing it in bulk makes it seem impersonal. I memang OCD that way. abaikan)

ive kinda been on a TV-series frenzy for a few days now and im worried about my sanity. im scared that watching too much will make me question why people don't have anything sweet and poignant to say in real life.
it's sort of like that time in FRIENDS when Joey and Chandler got free porn and started questioning the fact that the delivery girl sent in pizza and left without stripping and seducing them.

I cant really afford being institutionalized by TV programmes, you know?
Hehh.

ive actually got plenty of things to ramble on about but i'm getting pretty restless. need to get to bed now.

bila takde stock mercun..

tahun ni supplier mercun tak balik kampung.
so instead of main mercun battery yang mcm mini-fireworks kat KLCC, The Curve time Merdeka and New Year,

tahun ni, i duduk depan pc,
main Spider Solitaire macam orang gila,
lepas tu excited sorang sorang each time menang and ada keluar fireworks kat screen.

Fuh.
best dowh raya ni.

Terima kasih Spider Solitaire.

Selamat Hari Raya! now lets go out and main mercun!

fuh fuh.
tiba tiba teringin nak conform dengan society.

I would like to publicize sesi pemohonan ampun maaf sempena Hari Raya.

I am, by nature, a loud person. To add to the damage, i am also (most of the time) incapable of watching the things i say. As a result, i might have unintentionally (and sometimes, bila tengah bad mood, intentionally) caused you to add your own dosa sebab marah/simpan dendam/maki maki dekat i due to sakit hati. Teramat amat lah sorry kalau ada such a case (which im pretty sure, ada).

And sometimes, the things that i do are incomprehensible to other (more) normal beings. I wont apologize for being myself and jumping up and down and kadang kadang tergelak extra kuat, but i will say sorry if you happen to be on the same table and malu due to my 'tak cover' behaviour.

I'm only human. I make mistakes. And sometimes i break hearts. Sometimes i provoke and instigate others. Sometimes i do impulsive things that may result in tragedies.

For all of that, saya susun sepuluh jari (i still do not understand the relevance behind this symbolism) and Minta maaf dari hujung rambut sampai hujung kaki. Halalkan makan minum i (or if you insist, claim la lepas i dapat duit raya ni).

Selamat Hari Raya.
Maaf Zahir. dan Batin (hanya kepada golongan golongan tertentu sahaja).

Dont indulge too much with raya food yaww! Jangan menyesal di kemudian hari!

Akhir kata, maju lah sukan untuk negara!

how do you expect me to respect you when you can't even respect yourself?

if it makes you happy parading your stupidity to the whole world as if it's something to be proud of, then go on, i can't stop you.

but that also means i can't respect you.

ahhhhh maybe we should all just leave you as you are. 

besides, you seem to enjoy playing the part of the imbecile in the glass. 

you seem to adore having people pass you by, pointing and sniggering.

if that's your choice, then so be it. 

but don't blame us if we get a kick out of pointing and laughing at you.

hey, it's only fair, no?

(lopsided grin)

ini semua gara gara baca perihal politik in the light of the celebration of Independence.

1. bilamasa fahaman dan ideologi terbit secara membabi buta, kesedaran patut ada bahawa we are treading on the wrong track. 

2. bilamasa ketidaksetujuan tidak lagi diiringi dengan rasa hormat, muncul lah golongan golongan lancang yang hanya mahu kan kemenangan, bukan lagi kebenaran.

3. bilamasa aku sudah bicara tentang perihal perihal yang randomly righteous, sudah pasti maksudnya telah sampai waktu untuk aku tidur lena.

:)

Independent enough ke nak celebrate Independence Day?

Early Disclaimer : Today is not Malaysia's birthday. It is just the 53rd anniversary of it's independence. Those are two very different things mmkay?

Beberapa calendar tahunan yang lepas, saya still semangat nak sambut Hari Merdeka. Masa tu, saya jakun lagi dengan fireworks yang buat saya rasa macam kat dalam Disney's animation, duduk santai layan asap tepi castle yang besar mcm Hogwarts. 

Tapi, then again, rasanya sampai mati pun tak hilang kot rasa jakun tu?

Unfortunately, ada incident yang buat saya turn off dengan mass Merdeka celebration. Masa tu kat The Curve. Ingat kan okay la, checkout fireworks 5 mins je pun from home. Tak payah la nak sesak sesak layan kaki cramp sebab tekan clutch byk sgt being stuck dalam traffic. Padahal kat Curve pun sama je. Nak cari parking dah dekat sejam. Dapat tengok fireworks 5, 6 minit je. Tak berbaloi langsung.

Tapi masa tu darah muda, hahah. Claustrophobic pun claustrophobic lah. Tak kisah la even though kena sesak nafas in the midst of orang orang hyper macam nak pergi reformasi. Tiba-tiba, ada a bunch of underaged kids sprayed snow in a can all over my face! Habis makeup rambut segala penat je duduk depan cermin lama lama nak set up, tapi last last kena spray. Ish.

Tapi, somehow, over the years saya dah notice how Merdeka has simply become an excuse for people to party without even knowing the real meaning of that celebration.

Bukannya nak jadi bitter (which actually means, memang bitter ni, tapi sikiiiit je la, tak la bitter sangat) tapi how do you expect me to be all hyped up pasal Independence Day when i am in no way independent. Tak langsung! Dalam apa apa aspek pun, im pretty much masih dijajah oleh pihak pihak lain.

Masih ada ikatan dengan Petronas yang bakal memakan masa yang lama.

Masih mengharap setiap minggu parents akan email cakap duit dah masuk kat Maybank account.

Masih layan EPL tiap tiap hari nak kena cukak Soccernet tapi local football scene tak nak ambik tahu langsung (one of these days, kena jugak tengok Selangor punya match dekat Stadium Shah Alam!).

Masih dikelilingi orang orang yang berfikir macam time nama Malaysia masih Tanah Melayu dulu.

Masih dikeliling mentaliti yang tak logik dan kurang berkembang.

Masih ada egoist egoist yang tak mahu terima pendapat orang lain.

Masih malas dan masih bertangguh.

Jadi, apa yang nak diraikan sekarang? Jadi, lebih baik layan hari ni macam hari yang lain lain kan?

Sebab memang tak ada bezanya.

:)

Selamat Hari Merdeka, Malaysia.

p/s : bulan dan bintang kat langit pun boleh tahan power lawa macam fireworks jugak. Cuma tak ada bunyi meletup je. :)

Hati yang agak fragile

Aku memang pelik sungguh dengan kamu.
Kamu cuma punya satu hati, bukan?
Bukan belasan mahupun puluhan?
Dan hati kamu, fragile bukan?
Sekali ku ambil, milik aku sampai bila pun.

Ya, mungkin akan ada yang lain menyusul selepas aku

Tapi yang kau mampu beri pada mereka cuma hati retak

Benar, bukan?

Jawablah sayang,

penat aku bertanya.

Jika benar kata aku,
   mengapa kamu hadiahkan aku hati kamu
   mengapa kamu biarkan aku tinggalkan tanda pada hati itu
dan tiba tiba, kamu menghilang diri.

Bila muncul semula,

kamu buat seolah-olah kita tak pernah punya kaitan

seolah-olah, pada satu masa, kau bukan penyelamat aku

dan aku bukan selimut kamu.

Cebis cebis hati kamu masih pada aku
Aku pelik sungguh,
tak mahu kah kamu tampal semula cebis-cebis yang aku genggam

Aku tak mampu faham

   agenda kamu yang sebenar

Atau mungkin aku salah faham perkataan 'istimewa'

Mungkin kame ada lebih satu hati, mungkin.

Atau mungkin kamu robot yang tak pentingkan rasa jiwa.

Aku masih rindu.

p/s : i found this written at the back of my Design of Steel & Prestressed Concrete exam paper from a long time ago. Cheers.

to : orang orang jauh

1.2.3.4.5.6

to 7 pretty pretty girls :

when we took the pictures, 

it was only to pass time and be a lil bit in love with ourselves

but that wasnt all we captured.

:)

here's to many many marvelous memories.

*clink*

banana split personality

saya baru baca blog Tidak Best (nama je Tidak Best, tapi best!) yang mengingatkan saya tentang perihal alter ego.

Baru malam semalam waktu otak berpinar pinar, saya terkenangkan alter ego saya sendiri.

Kelakar.

Rasa macam deja vu pun ada.

Eh. Takde kena mengena.

Saya rasa saya yang menulis dan saya yang bercakap adalah dua being yang lain.
Sesungguhnya lain.

Yang menulis ;

mungkin lebih matang
mungkin lebih bijak menilai keadaan
mungkin lebih faham tata manusia

Yang bercakap ;

masih rancak bergelak ketawa
masih hilang dipimpin rasa
masih terkedu masih ternganga

Saya yang ke kelas dan saya yang bermalas di atas katil adalah dua jiwa yang beza.

Sesungguhnya berbeza.

Adanya tembok di tengah.
Yang kiri itu malas,
Yang kanan rancak menari.

To those who only know me virtually ;

jangan terpedaya dengan manis kata

yang hakiki ini tidak lah segah mana.

p/s : sorry termerepek panjang lebar terikutkan perasaan. :)

im not a good storyteller

As much as you make me smile
As much as you are always by my side
As much as I cry on your bony shoulders
You may only exist in my fantasies

As much as your words become my conscience
As much longing as I feel for you
As much as I want to unravel you
You may only exist in my fantasies

Because, as of now, you are not real.
        Because, you and I, have never been real.

jots and sanity

Notice how i never write about anything remotely academic?

It is all because writing is my escape from anything Engineering related.

Imagine this.
The world gets terrorized by something viral and fatal, say the Anthrax. And everybody has to resort to hiding underground.

Now, writing about buildings and columns and beams and tension and offshore structures and steel properties and wave characteristics ;

writing about all those will be equivalent to bringing an envelope-full of Anthrax in the underground refuge.

I know how some people love dropping their intelligent jargons into writing. I dont fall under the same category.

Writing makes me forget about Physics.

It makes me feel like everything is possible.

I seek solace in writing, from the torments of questions with answers that go on for 20 pages.

It doesnt matter if academia kills me.
Writing will revive me.

think before you talk. google before you tweet. (Re: Salleh G. Samsa)

Human reflex and emotions have always been fascinating to me (though sometimes it baflles me more than it should).

If you observe enough, you can always differentiate those who take the time to think and those who uses their brain merely as an accessory. Academic intelligence have nothing to do with it. You either base your actions and conversations on your thoughts, or you dont.

We are a bunch of very angry species. And egoistic too. Come on, dont tell me you havent noticed?

For me, whenever anybody tells me something that i dont particularly agree with, something stirs inside of me, urging me to express my disagreeing thoughts. Now, im sure the same thing happens to a lot of you.

(Ke tak? Ke its just me?)

The thing is, how many of us stop to think before saying or doing anything? How many of us actually tries to consider what the other person is saying or doing before arguing rebuttals in reflex?

Phoebe Buffay once said to Ross Gellar (oh hello there fellow FRIENDS addict!)

Ok, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?

You know what got me thinking this far?
A few days back i came across a story of an unfortunate unbeliever who goes by the name Salleh Gregor Samsa.

This dude insulted the fact that he is forced to fast just because he was born Muslim. He also said a lot deal more but i wont be wasting my blog space to go on about it because that's not the point of my story. Nak tahu, pergi Google sendiri.

Anyway, this Salleh dude has provoked a lot of unnecessary wrath from Muslims, nationwide. Out comes the

ish murtad dah budak ni.

Hey Salleh! Kau ni confirm masuk neraka tahu tak?

Mak bapak kau tak ajar ke? Apasal bodoh bengap (include more cussings) sangat kau ni?

My point is, is this how we preach to unbelievers? Seriously? Orang tu dah la dah takde faith dekat religion and fellow believers. Is this seriously the way to make him change his mind? 

Try and google his name, tonnes of people are blogging about him (benci betul bila rasa macam i am conforming to a sick Malaysian pop-cultureish issue). Anyway, you can analyze sendiri the public's opinion on this dude.

Not really knowing why, (perhaps sebab terlebih banyak masa lapang or perhaps sebab memang i was born a busybody) i looked Salleh up and read his writings. Amongst many, i found one that i find intriguing.

Sebabnya, aku percaya, setiap manusia pun punya dosa dan jika manusia lain boleh dibiarkan hidup dengan gelumang dosa mereka, kenapa aku tak boleh?

Jadi, aku tak akan peduli jika aku dikatakan sedang hidup di dalam dosa yang akan membuatkan aku terbakar di api neraka nanti. Aku tak peduli, sebab aku tahu, pada masa tu, dia yang akan malu, sebab dia pun akan sama menyertai aku di dalam neraka. Dan, lebih ironi bila kami tinggal bersebelahan dan berkongsikan api neraka yang sama.

Jadi, jika manusia yang sedang berteriak kepada aku menidakkan keupayaan aku kepada pilihan aku sendiri, aku hanya akan berkata dan berharap untuk bertemu lagi dengannya, satu hari nanti di pintu neraka. Dan, aku yang akan bentangkan permaidani emas panas yang emasnya masih menggelegak pada kepanasan melampau yang tak pernah kita di bumi sekarang, rasakan. Dan, aku akan bayarkan kos meraikan kedatangannya di sana dengan limpahan kenikmatan yang dihinanya dulu, yang selalu dijadikan sebagai satu set pengukur yang membezakan antara jahat dan baik, hitam dan putih, bersih dan berdebu.

Before i continue, let me make it clear (sebab kadang kadang ada je golongan tak faham bahasa). I am NOT justifying or in any way agreeing to the points of Mr. Salleh. Tapi, you have to admit, it would suck if the scenario described above jadi betul betul kan?

Memang lah, as a Muslim, we have an obligation to tegur if we come across benda benda atau orang orang atau perilaku perilaku yang menghala ke arah kesesatan. But then again, are we doing it right?

I myself, honestly loathe it bila ada orang yang nak menegur, tapi bunyi teguran tu dah iras-iras bunyi insult dan cemuhan. Seriously beats the purpose. Intention tu dah baik dah, tapi methodology FAIL!

All i'm saying is (and ini juga peringatan untuk diri sendiri), sometimes you have to stop and think before you say anything. Even though you are right and the person is wrong, it doesnt mean you have the right to say 'haaaa! take that bitch! you were wrong! i told you so!' Itu memang clearly statement mintak pelempang.

Guna lah otak, The purpose of akal is so that you can think. Bila boleh fikir, takde lah buat statement statement inconsiderate yang bakal mengundang pelempang. Capisce? :)

Arsenal Vs. Liverpool

First game of the season, and already we were facing the losers of last season (or so i thought at the time).

The  first half was sloooooooowww.
Serious tak faham kenapa Arsenal players refused to run.

Sayang sayang sekelian, kalau setakat nak power walk, baik suruh Watson Nyambek je play for Arsenal.

Haaa, macam ni lah bila Fabregas takde,
semua kelam kabut tak tau which direction to head to.
This is the reason behind Wenger's insistence tak nak give in to Barca okaaay.

Tapi tak kisah lah, lari slow pun takpe, sayang still sayang jugak.

Even though I dengar plenty of voices (suara suara murtad) who claims nak give their loyalty to Blackpool after the game, Arsenal tetap di hati ku eceeeh.

ok siapa boleh teka apa tengah jadi ni? heheh

Koscielny, Chamakh and Wilshere made their debut semalam.

(who here thinks that Chamakh looks a bit like C. Ronaldo, angkat tangan!!)

I think it is due to the amount of newbies kot that they kind of fumbled on the field.

Jadi super geram bila ball possession was definitely monopolized by the Gunners, tapi tak boleh langsung nak penetrate Liverpool's defense.

OK lah, their defense was airtight, ill give them that.

Tapi, after Joe Cole got sent off (hehe) and dah down to 10 man pun, Arsenal still couldnt get the ball pass the goal line.

I loved it when they sent in Rosicky and Walcott. And when Persie came in, rasa macam ada newfound hope. As if, Wenger ada some kind of back-up plan, some secret weapon that i had no idea existed.

(hee. but then again, that was just me being melodramatic.)

orang handsome yang wouldve scored if it werent for Reina punya fingertips

Rosicky attempted a very dramatic and cantik shot, but Reina managed to stop the ball by a fraction.

At the time, i dah maki maki dah bising macammana lah Reina boleh on form gila pulak malam ni. Serious stress dengan Reina. (just take a look at my love-hate relationship with Almunia. memang bakar aa)

Tapi tapi tapi. Jeng jeng jeng. What came next got me laughing. Ta-da!

okay. ini Chamakh being violated by Reina. ngahahaha.

ok look closely

i said LOOK! ni dah slow motion habis dah ni.

aaaaaaaaaaaaanddddd... GOAL!!!!!!

Wahaahah. epic okay Reina!
serious boleh gang dengan Rob Green! LOL.

p/s : i read another review by Ms. Aisyah Ezral and loved it. Suka sangat sampai naik bulu roma satu badan baca. Hahahaha. Click HERE to read.